6 Deep Resentments Husbands Have Toward Their Wives, According To Experts
Resentment in marriage builds up over time.
Alex Green | Pexels Frustration can cause us to get caught in a cycle of complaints and poor treatment of the one we love. It's no secret marriage is a struggle, especially when both spouses carry the burdens of work, family, friends, society, and then the marriage. Frustration leads to reacting, reacting can harm, and harm feeds resentment.
The funny thing about resentment is it builds up over time, yet it doesn't have to accumulate. Before a husband builds up a relationship-corroding level of resentment, you can redirect your frustration and address the issues.
Here are 6 deep resentments husbands say they have toward their wives:
1. He feels like he can never do anything right
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It's the classic tale of the husband's groan, "Why can't my wife be as passionate and fun as she was when we started dating? Why is she always nagging and complaining?"
He complains about her complaints when they should be listening to each other's issues and finding ways to complement one another, as explained by a study in the Journal of Family Psychology.
— Susan Allan, CEO of The Marriage Forum, Inc.
2. He feels an unfair burden
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For some husbands, there’s a perception the marriage dynamic placed an unfair burden on them, particularly if they feel their work or stress wasn't fully acknowledged or reciprocated in other ways.
This sentiment can be intensified if they feel their wife’s role didn’t evolve or adjust as children grew older and more self-sufficient or if they believe their spouse could have worked but chose not to. A study in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences suggests that in mediation, it's important to address these feelings by acknowledging each spouse’s contributions — both financial and non-financial — to create a fair agreement that validates their efforts.
— Scott Levin, Family Law Attorney Mediator CDFA
3. He feels inadequate
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A deep resentment husbands often feel toward their wives stems from a sense of inadequacy, particularly when they feel their efforts aren't appreciated. Many husbands want to be seen as capable providers and strong supporters, but when wives focus on what they feel is lacking or criticize their husbands' efforts, husbands can feel unvalued and discouraged, as explained by a study in Behavior Therapy Journal.
This resentment builds when husbands feel that no matter what they do, it's never quite enough. By acknowledging and appreciating even small efforts, wives can help husbands feel competent and cherished, leading to a more balanced, harmonious relationship.
— Richard Drobnick, LCSW, DCSW
4. He feels like he's treated poorly
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Never does treating someone badly give you what you want — at least not in a healthy relationship based on trust and safety.
You can fight. You can yell. You can withhold. You can sit there in your judgment and self-righteousness, running the narrative in your head over and over again about how you’re right and how he’s wrong, wrong, wrong, how he’s selfish. A frustrating idiot. An uncaring egomaniac.
But let me ask: How’s that working for you? Does that ever really get you what you want? I know this damaging, dysfunctional pattern far too well. I used to be that woman who felt hurt, angry, unseen, and unheard. I also didn't feel loved enough by my husband.
What did I do? Looking back, I admit that I did some illogical things. Why did I ever think that punishing my husband by turning away from him and harboring resentments would ever get me what I wanted? How could I possibly think that punishing him and withdrawing from him would magically give me more love, attention, praise, and affection? It’s nuts. It’s self-sabotage, as described in the Journal of Relationships Research.
— Andrea Miller, Founder and CEO of YourTango
5. He feels disresepcted
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I had a boyfriend once who hated how hard I slammed the door of his truck. I didn’t know that I was slamming it. I thought I was closing it like I closed any old car door. But I guess I was closing it too hard, and he didn’t like it.
Of course, I thought he was being ridiculous. It was a big, huge truck, and, really, how could little old me cause it any real damage? We bickered about it all the time.
A study in the Social Science Research Journal helps me understand why closing the truck door with such force was a cruel, thoughtless act. He loved that truck and wanted to take care of it, and he felt like my slamming the door would harm it — and, by extension, it harmed him each loud, forceful time.
I pushed back every time, but it should have been important to me to respect this was important to him and do everything I could to try to remember to close the door more softly.
— Mitzi Bockmann, Life Coach
6. He feels ridiculed
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One of man’s greatest fears is being ridiculed. I still remember being in a room with my mother and several neighbor friends. They were talking about their husbands amid derisive laughter about the various shortcomings of the men. I was six years old. I can’t remember the details of their complaints, but the feelings of pity, contempt, and disrespect remain burned into my psyche nearly seventy years later. I felt deeply ashamed of my father for not living up to my mother’s expectations.
James Gilligan, M.D., one of the world’s experts on male violence and author of the book Violence: Our Deadly Epidemic and Its Cause, says, "I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed." Most often, men turn the shame inwards, become depressed, and suicidal, but the anger that comes out at women is often shame-based and related to feeling overwhelmed by feminine power.
— Jed Diamond, LCSW, Ph.D.
A marriage does not have to be a tug of war, push and pull, complain and retreat until resentment bubbles up and explodes. You can face the issues without poor treatment, ridicule, dismissiveness, disrespect, or playing on his fears.
Take the time to examine frustrations and check in with your husband to co-create the nurturing and supportive love you want by giving it to him.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.