Exactly What To Do When She Says, 'I Need Space’
How to keep her close while still respecting her feelings.
KrakenImages via Shutterstock | NoName13 via Pixabay | William Joseph via Canva When women say 'I need space', it can be one of the most confounding relationship moments for men. Often, they have no idea what to do next. Do they really want physical space or is it metaphorical? Worse, many worry that it's a test ... and that they'll fail it.
Yes, "space” could be a euphemism for “I want to break up with you”. But for many women, things are way more complicated. Most of the time, when a woman asks for space, she truly means that she feels a need to step back and take some time to evaluate what is going on. And that's OK! That means she's listening to her instincts and only wants to proceed if things feel right.
Here's exactly what to do when she says, 'I need space’
1. Ask her why she needs space
Just like with anything else, understanding “why” someone needs something is the best way to understand what your next steps might be.
Think about when you are at work. If your boss asked you to take on a complicated project without telling you why, would you get stuck? After all, understanding the goal of the project is key to doing it successfully. So, you ask your boss, all is made clear, and you can figure out the next steps.
So, before you do anything else, ask her why she needs space. If she says, “I just do,” explain to her you want to make sure you give her what she needs, and understanding would help you do it!
2. Ask specifically what she means
The next thing to do is to ask her what she means when she says she needs space. Does it mean she wants you to disappear and leave her alone?
Does it mean she wants you to be around but to give her time to consider whatever she is dealing with before she talks about it with you? Does she mean she wants to have you close so when she is ready, you are there?
Women wanting space can be complicated because if you don’t give them the space they want, the way they want it, you can get yourself into hot water.
3. Don’t try to talk her out of it
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I have a client whose girlfriend found out he was cheating on her, and she is, understandingly, not happy.
While she is talking to him again, she continually tells him she needs space to get through this. To find herself again. To get strong and to move forward.
He doesn’t want to hear this. He wants to fix things right now (as men so often do). He doesn’t want to live in limbo.
What I can promise you is if you try to talk her out of it, you will only make things worse. She will think you aren’t respecting what she is asking for, and that will only get you into deeper trouble!
4. Do what she asks
This same client is not doing what his girlfriend has asked him to do. Even though she has asked over and over and over to give her some space to figure things out, he continues to reach out to her, to ask her to do things, trying to make the whole situation go away.
As a result, she is getting more and more upset. On one hand, she likes how he is being so remorseful and chasing her and that is lovely. On the other hand, she can’t think clearly, and she is worried that acting quickly is the wrong thing to do.
Unfortunately, because he won’t give her space, she has gotten into the habit of interacting with him, sometimes even reaching out herself. But, they aren’t getting anywhere.
He continues to beg, and she continues to be confused, and they aren’t moving forward in any way. They are stuck in the precise limbo he wants to get out of, as suggested in an exploration of the development of felt constraint in romantic relationships.
5. Remind her you will be there to talk
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Once you understand what your wife or girlfriend needs from you, you must assure her you will always be there for her as she goes through this process. You might be out of sight, but she is never out of your mind.
Why would you do this? A model of risk regulation system in relationships says it's because people like assurance that if they take some space, the other person isn't going to disappear. They can have confidence their man is respecting their wishes, and they can feel safe that taking this time won’t destroy their relationship.
Of course, if this space thing isn’t working for you, you must explain to her, too. She needs to know this step in your relationship is not OK so she understands and you can figure out something that works for both of you!
6. Don’t go too far away
When you give your girlfriend or wife some space, make sure you don’t go too far away. Don’t go on an extended trip and be unavailable when she needs you. Don’t keep yourself so busy you won’t be able to be there if she calls.
A study on conflict resolution and specific needs suggests that much like the assurance you will be there emotionally when she is ready, make sure you are close by when she is ready to talk.
I know the need to escape and get away from this period is intense, and running away always feels like a good idea, but I don’t. Stay put, ride out the discomfort, and be there when she is ready to talk!
7. Don’t see other people
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I am not sure if you have ever seen the TV show Friends, but in it, when the super couple, Ross and Rachel, decide to take a break, he starts seeing other women. When Rachel wants to discuss getting back together, it all gets hilariously derailed when she finds Ross has been seeing other women, as detailed in Gender Stereotypes in the Sitcom Friends.
I know the inclination to date if your person wants space is strong. You are probably feeling lonely and also perhaps want to ensure you aren’t alone if your person decides they want to make the space permanent.
But I can’t understate enough that if you want to have hope for this relationship, how important it is you are patient while your person gets the space they need.
After all, they haven’t broken up with you, they are just trying to figure some stuff out!
Knowing what to do when your partner asks for space can be confounding. Especially for men, the desire to fix things in things at the moment is instinctual. Being patient is hard. But, sometimes, things just can’t be fixed right away.
So, if she asks for space, do what I suggest above. Doing so will be the best insurance no matter how things turn out, you will be OK!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.