The Rare Relationship Skill Used By People Who Are Easy To Love
Most people already have this psychological skill, but they don't know how to use it right.
Edward Smith | Canva Who doesn't want to be easy to love? After all, for many people, the goal in life is to find love and to live happily ever after. On top of that, we want to be loved by our friends and our family and respected by those around us.
To that end, we try many things. We try to do things for people, we try to give people gifts, we try to take care of them when they're not feeling good, and we try to do things we know would make us feel good and loved. And all those things are great!
But there is a tiny psychological trick people who are easy to love use every day.
What do easy-to-love people do differently? They listen.
It's not rare to listen, but it is rare to listen so that people feel truly heard. To listen in a way that grows trust and connection.
I have clients tell me all the time the reason I am such a good life coach is they know I am listening and they feel heard. They know they can trust me with the things they are saying because I am willing to listen carefully and process.
When my kids were little, their friends always sat at my breakfast bar, eating Oreos, and sharing their woes. It amazed me how many parents didn’t listen to their kids. They brought their agenda and baggage to their conversations with their kids and these kids often felt misunderstood.
As to my love life, when I used to date, men would always tell me I was a great listener and they appreciated it. Of course, they did. Men like to be heard.
Think about the dates you have been on:
How many times have you come home from a date and thought to yourself the other person just didn't listen to a thing you said? All they did was talk about themselves. Did you go on another date with them? Probably not.
Why is listening the most important relationship skill? Because, if you truly listen to someone and they feel heard, you will make them feel loved, and they will love you in return.
Knowing how to truly listen is a learned skill. For many of us, we think we're good listeners but we aren't as good as we could be. The number one key to being a good listener is to listen to the person talking to you and not to think of what you want to say to them while they are still talking. Many people do this and therefore don't hear what someone is trying to say.
Listen without trying to change or fix them
Another thing people do, especially men when listening to a woman, is trying to fix them. Instead of listening to and empathizing with them, they listen to them and then try to offer solutions for fixing them. Women, especially, want to be empathized with as opposed to fixed.
I always suggest to my male clients when they talk to a girlfriend to listen to what she has to say. Tell them you understand how they're feeling, and ask if they want help to fix something. Girlfriends are always much more accepting of this after being empathized with and often welcome the advice after the fact.
Listen without multi-tasking
It is also important when someone is trying to talk to you, you give them your full attention. Don't putter around the kitchen while your person is trying to talk to you. Stop what you're doing, sit down across from them, look them in the eye, and truly listen.
Don't interrupt them with your comments. Don't bring your agenda into their issues. Just sit down across from them and listen. Make them feel heard.
Listen and then clarify
Finally, if you don't understand what someone is saying, definitely ask for clarification. There's nothing worse than getting a response from someone who has nothing to do with what you were trying to say. If there's any doubt in your mind about what was said, or if you just want to be sure you understand, repeat what they said before you respond.
All of these recommendations can work in every kind of relationship in your life. With your friend, with your coworker, with your sister, with the hopeful love of your life. Knowing how to listen to someone, to make them feel hard, is a small and subtle way to be the kind of person who is easy to love.
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.