Why Women Are Quietly Quitting Dating — And There’s Nothing We Can Do About It
From harassment on dating apps to traumatic dates, it's no wonder women are giving up on relationships.
zimmytws | Getty Images / AlpakaVideo | Canva Editor's Note: This is a part of YourTango's Opinion section where individual authors can provide varying perspectives for wide-ranging political, social, and personal commentary on issues.
Today, I took a bath and got a phone call. And, I answered it. It was my best friend, and she was in a bad spot. She is currently stuck in her house, without her cell phone or any way to access her finances because of a bad date that went horribly wrong.
She, like many of my friends, desperately wanted to find that special someone. However, for the past couple of years, dating has been specifically marked by pain. Bad breakups, abuse, and several assaults left her feeling at her lowest.
"Ossiana, I think I need to stop," she said.
"What do you mean?" I said.
"Dating," she said. "I can’t do this anymore. Every single time I go out, I end up being victimized. It’s getting to the point where I’m afraid to go to nightclubs. Dude, I think I might be better single."
My heart broke for her, but at the same time, I both understood and was not surprised. She is not the first of my friends to shrug off men as a whole, nor do I believe she will be the last. Rather, she’s a part of a very quiet movement happening underneath society’s nose.
I’ll let you in on a secret that’s not being televised too frequently: Women are getting fed up with men — often to the point that they wash their hands or even try to get a relationship.
It’s not just my observation either. According to multiple sources, women are increasingly choosing to stay single rather than date or marry a man. This is particularly true for women over 30 who experience dating fatigue as well as women who have already divorced once.
If you haven’t been hearing the news, I can give you a good explanation for that. Most women don’t talk about their decision to avoid men altogether. They just do it. A switch clicks in their mind, and from that day on, they plan a life around being single.
Women don’t discuss their decision to avoid dating for a variety of reasons. Some don’t want to be derided. Others just feel too hurt to bring it up. Even more feel like everyone around them will try to convince them otherwise, despite them having their mind made up.
Why are women quiet quitting dating?
Honestly? Men won’t like my answer. I’m prepared for the hate I’ll get my way. The reason most women quit dating is that men don’t seem to want to behave like decent people. I wish I could say it’s something else. I wish I could say it’s because girls chase after the wrong guys, but it’s very clearly systemic.
I mean, look at the situation that women face in the dating scene. It’s not surprising that many women are traumatized and afraid to approach men. Heck, even accepting dates is a bit scary for those of us who aren’t "done."
Here are 4 reasons why women are quietly quitting dating:
1. Dating apps suck
It’s no secret that women have a bad time on dating apps. Women constantly have to face crude harassment from men in the form of lewd messages and unsolicited pictures.
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not as easy as "just be skinny and guys will hit on you." It’s just bad. Romance is kind of dead. Getting guys to pay for a dinner date feels about as easy as pulling a cow up a tree.
2. Too many men have too little to offer
The market for a decent life partner is slim AF, and most men who hit women up dangle a wedding ring like a carrot on a stick. Some will allow themselves to live with women for decades, with no commitment on their end. Women don’t want that. They want a real companion.
Women have to deal with men who expect sex all the time with little in terms of affection, commitment, money, or even enjoyment in return. It’s become the norm, and women are getting tired of it. They do not want to be a "ride and die" for someone who will throw them under the bus in a heartbeat.
If a woman asks for a man to pay for a dinner, he might wax poetic about how she was "hustling him for money." (Okay, so I guess y’all just want us to put out, shut up, and leave? Nothing for us? That sounds pretty unappealing.)
Women risk getting abused, sexually assaulted, or even killed by partners. If this happens, the woman will be blamed for "choosing the wrong guy."
Ladies are starting to realize that most marriages are a raw deal. If a relationship does progress, women will categorically work more at home than men — despite also being increasingly expected to have a job.
So what would a woman gain from wading through 100 entitled men who won’t even pay for a coffee? A chance at the rare guy who’s worth it? After a certain amount of rejection, it’s easy to see why women don’t want to invest time into finding Mr. Right anymore.
3. Bad experiences
Most women I know end up having at least two men refuse to take them on proper dates, "accidentally" bring up a fancy restaurant they suddenly can’t afford, or worse, "lose their wallet" at said venue.
Men laugh about putting in minimal effort to get a woman to sleep with them. At times, women find themselves stigmatized by a "player" who made sure to tell everyone they slept with them. Sometimes, a handful of bad boyfriends is enough to have women say they’re done.
The negging, the poking at women, the way men pick them apart, and the way women always get scolded for speaking up about the way they get treated are pretty horrible. I would say it’s traumatic.
When I dealt with this kind of stuff, I had a period of time when I said that I wouldn’t date again. While I may have changed my mind when I met my spouse, women are totally within their right to choose to stay single out of fear for their own safety and mental health.
4. No need for a partner
Women who want families have the opportunity to get their own child whenever they want. A fertility clinic is just a call away. Women can have their own jobs. And they can also nurture entire social lives for themselves.
In the past, women were not given a way to support themselves. Their entire status depended on who they married. This is no longer the case, and the stigma towards singledom is starting to fade.
What now?
Honestly? I don’t know. I do not expect the men pushing women to quit dating to empathize with ladies. If the trend in Korea takes hold in America, we’re going to see more and more women choosing singledom for the rest of their lives.
Is this a bad thing? To a point, yes. Many women will mourn the lives they looked forward to that never came. So will a lot of men who end up perma-single because their Ms. Right gave up before they met them.
However, I try to be hopeful. Maybe this is the push we need to turn dating into something enjoyable again. Or maybe, it’ll be the reason that makes people realize that being alone is better than being with the wrong person. Who knows?
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.