To Overcome Rage That Feels Impossible, Follow These 4 Steps
Rage attacks canhappen to anyone, from little old ladies to muscle bros at the gym.
Getty Rage is sneaky. Often, we think of The Incredible Hulk, a monster with bulging veins and overgrown biceps. But rage attacks can strike anyone, from the most petite woman to the biggest man, and regardless of someone's size, rage makes people feel out of control. Eventually, these bursts of anger that destroy relationships and sabotage your success.
If you’re stuck in the cycle of rage attacks, you need to look at what’s underneath your behavior to break free. When you do, you’ll not only find inner peace but also heal your relationships, as well.
Four simple steps to overcoming rage that feels out of control
1. Notice your behavior
We all want someone to be there for us, but you need a process to be there for yourself.
Stop bottling things up and get to the core of what’s happening inside you. This process involves directing your energy toward what’s underneath an uncomfortable feeling before it becomes an outright rage attack.
The first step is to become aware of any uncomfortable feelings you have long before they become rage. Noticing this brings more consciousness to unconscious behavior.
Maybe you have a glass of wine in response to a stressful incident. You’re shifting your behavior simply by noticing and acknowledging that you’re having the glass of wine due to an uncomfortable feeling.
This may seem easy, but it’s the hardest step. You need to become diligently aware of your behavior. It takes effort to notice and be willing to do something about it at that moment.
Practice noticing the small, uncomfortable feelings so that you won’t have a buildup of emotions that turn into a rage attack. By noticing, you now have a choice to take it to the next step.
2. Name your uncomfortable feelings
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Once you start noticing your uncomfortable feelings, learn to name them. This is a turning point.
You’re letting go of the old, destructive pattern of outward drama, and instead, turning inward to identify and name the feeling. To name it, ask yourself, “If I’m having an uncomfortable feeling, what is it?”
Your emotions are complex. Rage is when your emotions have become out of control. You want to deal with your emotions long before then.
Understanding that your more vulnerable emotions get covered up by rage will help you heal the destructive behavior of rage attacks.
For simplicity, I’ve categorized feelings into six different types or categories. This is my method. Others have their own. There’s quite a variety.
The six types of feelings you can name are:
- Sadness
- Anger
- Happiness
- Fear
- Shame
- Numbness ("Numb" is technically not an emotion, but when people start “learning to feel,” the first thing they often feel is numbness or a lack of feeling.)
Name the feeling, be present, and turn it into your feeling. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?" All your feelings want is your attention and love, similar to what a child wants and needs.
"Most commonly, anger is directly linked to frustration," explained therapist Miyo Yamanaouchi, "We feel frustrated when things aren't happening in exactly the way we want them to and that people in our lives that we come into contact with on some level — whether it be family, work, social events, or online — don't act in the way we believe they should be. It's important to understand that anger is almost always attached to other negative feelings or is a response to negative feelings we are having."
Your feelings inform you that something isn’t quite right. They discharge when you acknowledge them in a compassionate and non-judgemental way.
Become aware of the different types of emotions and how they feel in your body. Where do you feel them? In your stomach, your heart, or your head?
Your powerful emotions reside in your body. Once you’ve felt and found them, it’s time to nurture them.
3. Nurture the uncomfortable feelings
Become present in your body. Start to breathe into the feeling. Give it your undivided attention.
This is where your feelings are — in the body. With your hands on your heart and your belly (or wherever you have placed them), you’re holding the feeling.
Then as you hold the feeling, begin to breathe into it and be present with it. Nurture the feeling as a loving parent would. Hold the uncomfortable feeling like a baby. Bring the light of your consciousness to that emotional energy within you.
This is compassion in action. Developing this self-nurturing skill is very transformative.
The next time you find yourself with the impulse of a rage attack, you’ll have this skill behind you, supporting you to choose a different path. A path with more compassion and awareness. Because underneath every strong emotion is simply an unmet need.
4. Discover your core needs
The fourth step is about uncovering unmet needs. Now that you’ve noticed the emotion, name it, and nurtured it, you can now get to the core of it: Your unmet needs.
As you nurture yourself, ask, “What do I need?”
This is a powerful question to ask yourself when you’re triggered. Raging attacks are destructive and ultimately give your power away.
Your power comes from understanding what’s underneath your emotions. And not staying stuck, frustrated, disempowered, and angry.
Psychologist Abby Medcalf suggested, "The problem is that a lot of people think they’re experiencing anger, but what they’re really experiencing is rage! And rage is an unhealthy emotion. This is because rage = anger + helplessness. It’s the combination of the two that’s the problem, not anger on its own. Feelings of anger come and go. Rage stays with you all day. "
When you understand your core needs for understanding, space, patience, or support, you can address those unmet needs. This is not only soothing to your emotion, it's stabilizing and grounding, as well.
Core needs are normal and natural. Everyone has them. This doesn’t mean you are needy. Getting connected to them and giving them a voice is how you create healthy communication with those you love.
When I refer to knowing your needs, I’m not referring to your desire to have someone change their behavior. You can never control another’s actions. The only actions you can control are yours.
- A core need is not saying to your partner, “I need you to stop being a jerk.”
- A core need comes from within you. It’s a heartfelt desire that others typically don’t challenge. Your need for gentleness, or your need for space. Maybe it’s a need for understanding.
Letting those you love know what your core needs are doesn’t cause conflict. Moreso, it creates a connection.
Coping with rage — or any other uncomfortable emotion — is an ongoing journey
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To deal with your rage attacks, you'll need to first look at your uncomfortable emotions and how to deal with them. This is not a one-time deal, but a lifelong journey. Knowing how to manage your emotions and building greater emotional awareness is an empowering skill.
"Ironically, it’s as if self-awareness drives self-awareness. It’s like a positive-feedback loop — the more you have, the more you develop it. Likewise, the opposite is true for those who aren’t self-aware," advised life coach Karen Finn.
Rage is often a mask for deeper, more painful emotions
The first concept to understand is that rage and anger are uncomfortable emotions covering up vulnerable emotions. In other words, rage is a wall keeping you from feeling a deeper emotion.
Typically, the deeper emotion is fear or sadness.
Bottled-up emotions will eventually explode, manifesting in anger and rage
Emotions are part of being human. They are not meant to be ignored.
When you’ve come to a point of rage, it’s because you haven’t tended to previous uncomfortable emotions. You’ve bottled them up, and it has finally exploded in a rage attack, as suggested by the APA.
Rage is an emotion coming out sideways. It’s been repressed. Emotions are big energy, and repressing them doesn’t make them go away. Dealing with them does.
Start to notice your emotions, name them, and feel them inside your body
Take time to nurture them and be present with them, instead of repressing them. And lastly, understand underneath your rage is simply an unmet need.
Anna-Thea is an author and certified divine feminine educator who educates people on how to claim their power lovingly.