12 Phrases People With Serious Anger Issues Say Often
Being around someone with anger issues can feel dangerous and terrifying.
dabyki.nadya | Shutterstock Anger is the kind of feeling people try to tamp down, out of fear that it will ignite and explode. Pretending your anger doesn't exist causes it to compress itself, making a home in the small space of your body, until something sets it off.
While there's no such thing as a bad feeling, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express anger. There's a difference between sharing how angry you are and letting your anger transform into aggression, which is toxic and dangerous. Being the object of another person's wrath can make you feel unsafe. The phrases people with serious anger issues say often can act as a warning sign that they're unable to manage this difficult feeling.
Here are 12 phrases people with serious anger issues say often
1. 'I can't deal with this anymore'
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Feeling angry is part of being a person in relationship with others, and it's the way we navigate anger that matters most. People with serious anger issues let the feeling consume them, which means they reach their breaking point constantly.
According to psychologist Bernard Golden, PhD, recognizing anger when it's still small is a key part of handling it with grace. Having high emotional intelligence is crucial in helping people deal with anger in constructive rather than destructive ways.
A healthy way to manage anger involves pressing pause and reflecting on what you're thinking and feeling, while immediately reacting is a sign of unhealthy anger management.
The higher a person's emotional intelligence is, the greater their capacity for self-regulation is. It's not easy to sit with hard feelings, yet people who hold space for discomfort can stop their anger from ramping up and taking over.
2. 'Get out of my face'
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There's nothing wrong with needing space during conflict; in fact, asking to take a time out is a sign that a person knows how to de-escalate tension. Stepping away from an argument and forcefully telling someone to get out of your face are very different things.
This phrase shows a level of emotional immaturity that's to be expected in kids and teenagers who are still learning to manage their anger. Psychologist Tamar Kahane told Parents Magazine, "There is no such thing as a child's anger being outside of the realm of normal as different kids experience their feelings differently, and there is no right or wrong way to feel."
Kids often have a lower distress tolerance and less developed skills to adaptively express anger and frustration, but parents can model strategies to teach them anger management.
Identifying triggers and naming feelings provides a safe space for kids to share how they feel. Finding an appropriate outlet for their anger lets kids release the feelings in a way that doesn't hurt themselves or others.
3. 'Don't test me right now'
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This phrase reveals a subtle aggression that could quickly boil over. It's a low-key threat that indicates a person has uncontrolled and serious anger issues.
According to the American Psychological Association, uncontrolled anger can be difficult to define, since it looks different for everyone. Some people with serious anger issues turn their anger inwards, holding grudges and ruminating on negative thoughts. They experience a quiet, seething rage, hiding under the surface at all times.
Other people's uncontrolled anger is more explosive. Their extreme turmoil eats away at them, turning into aggressive outbursts over seemingly unimportant issues. They frame their anger as something other people cause, which is why they say phrases like "Don't test me right now."
4. 'I'm about to lose it'
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"I'm about to lose it" is a phrase people with serious anger issues say often. This phrase operates as a double-edged sword. It shows the person is aware they're triggered, which is the first step to dealing with anger constructively, but declaring they're on the edge of losing their cool shows they haven't reached the next steps required to diffuse their anger.
A study from Ohio State University discovered that a commonly-held approach to anger management is so ineffective, it could cause greater harm. Psychologists have long believed in "catharsis theory," which holds that venting anger out loud allows people to move through it. Yet the study's findings proved this theory wrong.
"I think it's really important to bust the myth that if you're angry you should blow off steam — get it off your chest," said Brad Bushman, the lead author of the study. "Angry people want to vent, but our research shows that any good feeling we get from venting actually reinforces aggression."
The only effective way for people to get anger out of their bodies is by lowering physiological arousal, which is an intellectual way to say that cooling off and calming down decreases rage. The techniques used to manage stress also help with anger. Deep breathing, meditating, and practicing mindfulness or yoga help people release anger and find some sense of inner peace.
5. 'You just don't understand, do you?'
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This phrase seems like a question, but it's actually a declaration that implicates other people in their anger. There's no correct answer for this alleged question. Saying, "I don't understand," proves them right, giving them permission to stew in self-righteous rage, but saying, "I do understand," could cause them to blow up.
Educator and coach Hakima Tantrika shared that her approach to anger management involves helping people "befriend" their anger, noting that "Anger can be used in a positive capacity to better understand yourself... to guide you through disagreements."
Tantrika further explained, "Take the time to look past the anger. Anger is the only emotion that is normally accompanied by another... Your emotions are the warning signs, and they will pinpoint you in the right direction."
6. 'Everyone else is so incompetent'
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This phrase lifts the veil of a person's polite facade to reveal the hostility they carry with them at all times. People who say this phrase think they're better than everyone else. They use their superiority complex to justify their serious anger issues. Their lack of empathy shows their low emotional intelligence, which directly affects how they handle anger.
Cognitive empathy helps people recognize and understand someone else's feelings. Emotional empathy leads them to feel what they're feeling, which can bridge the gap between anger and acceptance.
Empathy can act as a safeguard against destructive anger. Empathic people acknowledge that we all share a common humanity, which guides them away from bitterness toward generosity.
7. 'I don't have time for this'
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Someone with anger issues has low tolerance for frustration, which means they feel triggered by things that other people would let slide. People who say, "I don't have time for this," put pressure on everyone else to meet their needs and standards, without any intention of reciprocating.
Their sense of self-importance is the definitive aspect of their personality. They don't have time to wait for a friend before leaving a party, even though that friend gave them a ride over. They don't have time to listen to their partner share uncomfortable feelings.
They don't have time for anything besides their own anger, yet they can't see how that anger is holding them back from feeling truly connected to everyone else in their life.
8. 'I wouldn't have to yell if you would listen'
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This phrase represents hostility in action. It shows how the angry person sidesteps accountability and casts blame for their own behavior. People with anger issues say this phrase because they refuse to see that they have agency over their actions.
Psychologist Nick Wignall pointed out that since "anger isn't a very socially acceptable emotion, many people end up masking it," which leads them to yell when it becomes too much to hide.
"It's perfectly healthy to feel frustrated and angry. But how you deal with those feelings can be very unhealthy," he explained. "The healthiest way to deal with anger is to acknowledge it, validate it, act on it assertively if you need to, or just let it be if you don't."
Yelling might be misconstrued as a method of assertive action, but really, it's a cruel form of communication that makes people feel attacked.
9. 'I'm not the problem, you're the problem'
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People with serious anger issues often say the phrase, "I'm not the problem, you're the problem." Anger can stem from feelings of inadequacy or insecurity, which make people lash out anyone around them.
When someone with serious anger issues exclaims the other person is the problem, it shows that they struggle to own their own feelings, so they project their emotions onto others. Projection, also known as blame-shifting, can be described as "a defense mechanism where individuals put their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings and actions onto others."
Everyone has flaws and feelings they'd rather ignore, but avoiding those things is the antithesis to healing. Pushing away the parts of ourselves we don't want to acknowledge means we're not accepting our full selves.
Hiding from ourselves keeps us disconnected from our authenticity and distances us from the people we love. Once we're able to admit that we are the problem, we gain the strength and wisdom to change.
10. 'I can't believe I have to deal with this again'
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People with serious anger issues say this phrase when someone brings up unresolved problems. They can barely hold space for their own feelings, let alone anyone else's. Saying, "I can't believe I have to go through this again," shuts down emotionally charged conversations before they start.
Life coach Alex Mathers shared that people who separate from their anger create a "sacred gap" that allows them to reflect on their next move in a less reactive way.
"You must develop the gap, the space between angry thoughts and the need to act on said angry thought," he explained. "You must breathe. When you nurture a large enough gap over time, you will rarely fall into the trap of being carried away in a rage that will put those around you in danger."
"It takes awareness and continually re-directing your attention away from your mind and towards consciousness," Mathers revealed, emphasizing mindfulness as a way to make sure you don't get lost in the darkness of your heavy emotions.
11. 'How hard could it be to do things right?'
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This phrase indicates that a person's anger is about to spill out. It starts as a small leak, but before long, the floodgates will open. They'll go from wondering why people won't do things according to their standards to screaming so they'll get their own way.
Wignall pointed out that being hyper-critical is a sign someone is angrier than they seem. "When you criticize someone else, you implicitly communicate that you know better, which temporarily makes you feel good about yourself," he explained.
He framed the act of passing judgment on others as misplaced self-directed anger and resentment. "You can only deal with your insecurities and self-anger if you are aware of it and are willing to explore it," Wignall concluded.
12. 'I'm over this'
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Everyone has their limits, and establishing exactly what those limits are helps manage expectations. But saying, "I'm over this," isn't about setting a boundary; rather, it's about airing their grievances in a blunt and impolite way.
People with serious anger issues say this phrase without any plans to remove themselves from whatever situation is annoying them so deeply. If they were really "over it" in a constructive way, they would take space or offer suggestions on how to shift gears.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.