If You Want To Raise Well-Adjusted Kids, Parenting Expert Says You Should Use These 10 Phrases
Things every child needs to hear.
Graphic Node | Unsplash As my children arrived, I wanted to share with them some of the most important things that I have learned in life. It took me almost 40 years to learn them.
I know that a list will never take the place of their own personal experience, but I’m hoping it will at least guide them in the right direction. And that other parents might benefit, as well.
If you want to raise well-adjusted kids, parenting expert says you should use these 10 phrases:
1. 'You are worthy of one love'
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Regardless of what you do or don’t do, you are always loved and worthy of love. Nothing can change that.
2. 'You have a purpose'
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You arrived on this planet with something unique that only you can bring to this life. This changes as you go through life so don’t look for one particular thing. Just trust your heart to guide you and keep doing the things that fill you with joy and energy.
Never let anyone else tell you that what you love doing is not okay, not worth pursuing, or a waste of time. Only you know what works for you. Never try to be like anyone else. You are here to be you.
When parents actively encourage their children to believe they have a purpose in life, this can significantly contribute to positive outcomes such as increased self-esteem, intrinsic motivation, a stronger sense of identity, and greater resilience in the face of challenges. A study published in Contemporary Educational Psychology explained that this is often linked to concepts like the self-determination theory, where parents foster a child's sense of autonomy and competence by providing support and believing in their potential.
3. 'These are your traits and none of them are bad'
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You will sometimes be naughty and sometimes cooperative. You will sometimes be stingy and sometimes generous.
There will be times when you are happy and times when you are sad. You’ll be energetic and lazy, rude and polite, quiet and noisy, clever and confused, mean and kind, embracing and rejecting.
None of these are good or bad and they all have their place in the world. Never judge yourself for something you do or don’t do. You are always perfect, always lovable, always balanced.
4. 'The universe is balanced and loving'
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At every moment, everything is perfect, balanced, and loving. There is nothing you can do that isn’t balanced out by someone else. We are all connected in a much greater web of intelligence and order.
You can’t do anything you’re not meant to do, you can’t be anywhere you’re not meant to be, and you can’t save anyone you’re not meant to save. You are part of a much bigger picture.
Parents can effectively teach children about balance by utilizing a balanced parenting style. This style involves striking a balance between setting clear limits, providing warmth and support, and fostering autonomy.
It allows children to develop a healthy understanding of boundaries and self-regulation while feeling secure and empowered. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology showed that this approach is linked to positive outcomes, such as improved self-esteem, better academic performance, and strong social skills in children.
5. 'There is only one kind of free will: the choice to accept the present moment or to reject it'
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If you accept it your life will be filled with joy, love, and flow. If you reject it your life will feel difficult and miserable and stagnant.
Choose to accept this moment. If it looks bad, find the benefits and gifts in it. If it looks good, find the drawbacks to you.
That way every moment will stay balanced and you won’t be attached to having a "good" time or fearful of having a "bad" time. That way, you are free to really appreciate life.
6. 'Negative emotions are there to serve you'
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You may feel bad sometimes. Anger, fights, criticism, depression — they’re there to help you.
If these negative emotions come up, stop and feel them. There’s no need to run away — they will pass. Then ask your mind what it is trying to tell you.
Your emotions are your unconscious mind’s way of sending you a quick message. Your body doesn’t have email or instant messaging, so this is it.
Usually, you’ll find that when you feel one of these then you are not living your purpose (or you’re not letting other people live theirs) or you’re trying to be one-sided (to have "good" traits and no "bad" traits) or maybe you’re expecting that of others.
Get the lesson and the emotion will go. Ignore the lesson and it will stick around, not to hurt you but to help you to get back on track.
When parents actively teach their children to acknowledge and understand their negative emotions rather than suppressing them, this significantly contributes to their emotional development. A study published in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders explained that this approach fosters better emotional regulation and resilience in facing challenges. It is often referred to as emotion coaching.
7. 'You need to put yourself first'
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It is not bad or selfish or unkind to put yourself first. In fact, it is essential. We can only give to others what we already have and if you haven’t been loving, kind and giving to yourself you won’t be able to love or help anyone else.
When you look after yourself, when you honor what is important to you, when you say "no" to things that don’t feel right to you, and when you care for yourself, then you naturally help those around you. When you care for yourself, you are filled with light, energy, and love and this transforms everyone in your space.
8. 'You don't 'need' to do anything'
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You are not a human doing, you are a human being. There is nothing you must do here. You just have to be. Follow your heart and enjoy your life. You will transform the world through your very presence.
Watch out for the words "should" and "shouldn’t." Whenever you hear yourself saying that you should or shouldn’t do something, stop.
Those words are like little red flags telling you that you are subordinating your own truth to what someone else wants or thinks is important. Live your truth and let others live theirs.
When teaching children about "should" and "shouldn't" behaviors, parents can effectively use active ignoring. In this technique, parents deliberately withhold attention from undesirable behaviors, essentially teaching children that certain actions will not garner a response and are therefore not encouraged.
However, a 2023 study explained that it's crucial to use this strategy carefully, considering the child's age, developmental stage, and the context of the behavior. Excessive ignoring can lead to negative emotional outcomes, like feeling disregarded or disconnected.
9. 'Never take another person's opinion to heart'
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We are all filtering the world through what we already believe and through the things that we ourselves need to work on. And life is always in balance.
So whatever you do or say, there will be people who support you and people who will challenge you.
They’re both there, in balance, as an expression of a loving universe that wants you to grow and evolve and express yourself to your max. You need both to do this.
So love and appreciate those who tell you you’re wonderful and love and appreciate those who criticize and attack you. Together they will help you to reach your goals.
People will see in you the things they have disowned in themselves. They will see the traits that they are too humble or too proud to admit that they have.
You have them all, so no matter what they say about you, it is true. But it is not something to feel proud or ashamed of. It is just part of being human.
10. 'There is nothing to fear'
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Everything that happens to you is for your own highest growth. There are no arbitrary events and you are never a victim.
Everything happens for a reason and everything is there to serve you in reaching your ultimate truth of who you are. Even the things that happen that look really bad have incredible gifts for you.
Parents can significantly influence a child's level of fear by actively teaching them that there is often no reason to be afraid. They do this primarily by modeling calm behavior, providing reassurance in fearful situations, and helping children understand and manage their anxieties by addressing them directly and rationally. However, a 2023 developmental model explained that overprotective parenting can sometimes hinder this process by inadvertently reinforcing children's anxieties.
If you take the time to find those gifts, you will only ever have love and gratitude for everything that happens in your life. Even death will only happen when it is the right time for you.
And it is just a transition, a return to the home you came from before you were born. It is not something to fear, but something to look forward to. There is no ultimate punishment.
As I said before there is nothing you can do that is "bad" so there is no need for punishment, Hell, karma, or retribution. Everything is perfect. Including you, as you are, right now.
Mia Von Scha is a transformational parenting coach, author, and counselor who helps parents overcome the fear of failure and navigate anxiety, as well as other mental health issues.