7 Red Flags On A First Date That Point To Someone Who's A Bad Person
These signals suggest someone is not worth a second date.
Rachata Teyparsit | Shutterstock You know the basic first-date don'ts by now: checking your phone, focusing only on politics, bringing up your ex, etc. But these aren't even the rudest things you can do on a date. This got me thinking about the red flags on a first date that point to someone who's a bad person.
The immediate mood-killers. The moments where you go from "This is going so well!" to "I want to go home. Now!" The behaviors you may not have realized were red flags, but when push comes to shove, and your date just freaked out at the server for not bringing a lemon wedge properly deseeded, you know there will never be a second date.
Here are the red flags on a first date that point to someone who's a bad person:
1. Overreacting
We all overreact. But, when you're first getting to know someone, and their response to something you say is so extreme, it can be a total turn-off. And in some cases, it'll destroy the date.
I once went on a date with someone who couldn't get over the fact I was a vegetarian. I didn't think it was a big deal because we were at a restaurant with plenty of options. And, I wasn't complaining, I just mentioned it when we started talking about food. He suddenly became noticeably stressed and started asking things like, "What do you even eat?" As many times as I tried to change the subject, he repeatedly brought it up.
And it's not just our food choices that have our dates acting irrationally. "I once mentioned to a girl that I was thinking of moving back home (30 minutes away) for a year to save money, and she first showed utter disgust and then almost broke down in tears," says James, 26. Her reaction to his news was a red flag, and he never did move back — or call her for a second date.
2. Being rude to the waiter
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Sure, no one wants their date to be rude to the waitstaff, but for a lot of people, it's the very thing that takes the date from decent to disaster.
Sarah, 26, says she knew it was time to head home when her date snapped at their waiter. Alex, 27, agrees, "yelling at a waiter or waitress is 1000% a dealbreaker." A series of studies in The Journal of Positive Psychology agreed with Sarah in showing the importance of humility for initiating romantic relationships.
Duncan, 24, says if he's out to dinner and his date doesn't like her food and takes it out on the waiter, it's a major turn-off. "It makes her seem like a shallow control freak."
3. Not sharing
Being a bad sharer has been frowned upon since pre-school, and on a date, it's not any different — especially when there's wine involved. Dino, 26, knew it wasn't going to work when his date ordered an entire bottle of wine for herself, drank it, and didn't offer him a drop.
4. Being self-centered
Of course, you don't want your first date to feel like an interview, but you have to ask the other person questions.
As nice as her date was, Elizabeth, 24, knew it wasn't going to work when she couldn't get a word in. "He started telling me about his job, and I was asking him all kinds of questions about his employment, where he lives, etc. Well, there never really seemed to be a break in the conversation and he just kept going on and on about himself."
5. Being clingy
Sometimes it's the behavior right after the date that ruins the whole thing. It's the first time you're hanging out, but somehow several men and women have had their share of stage 5 clingers.
Lindsay, 22, went on a blind date with a guy her brother set her up with and then had a difficult time getting rid of him. "He talked about marriage and what he would do if I dated another guy. The night after, he sent me 20 texts. He said he loved me!" There are various emotions mixed up in starting a romantic relationship, per The American Psychological Association (APA), and some people have a difficult time navigating the emotional landscape, even at the first step of the journey.
A few months ago, Mahwash, 25, went on what she first considered a good date. Immediately after, her date wouldn't stop calling and texting her. "When I asked him to stop, he called me again asking to talk because he thought we were 'distant' and he never has 'real connections with women' but I was 'different'. I had to yell at him and ask him to stop contacting me."
6. Revealing too much, too soon
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An APA study explored the importance of self-disclosure to build trust, so it's important to feel comfortable on your date, but there's a time and a place for everything. Revealing something too personal, even if it's not a big deal, can be a big mood-killer. Andrew, 27, said his date was ruined after five minutes when his date mentioned she had only one ovary out of the blue.
Sarah knew there would be no second date when her date complained about how broke he was. She didn't mind that he wasn't loaded, but talking about money problems on date one was a major don't.
7. Lying about something big
On the other side of oversharing, there's straight-up lying about a major part of your life, like having children. And when you're caught in a lie during your first date, there's no going back, according to the APA.
Christina, 29, met a man at the grocery store and spoke on the phone with him for a few weeks before going on a date. She asked if he had children and he said he didn't and then their date happened. "While we were at dinner, a ticked-off woman walked into the restaurant, looked around, and headed straight for him.
She yelled at him about being a deadbeat, dropped a kid in his lap, and left. He tried to tell me that it was his little cousin and that he had forgotten he was supposed to babysit, but I had seen enough and left.
I later found out that his ex had gone to his mom's house (yeah he still lived at home), his mom had told her where he was because she was tired of always watching his son when he was supposed to have him, so the girl came and dropped the kid off so she could go out."
Michelle Toglia is the Executive Editor at Elite Daily, overseeing the site's entertainment, news, style, dating, and experiences coverage.