Women Who Always Find The Right Guy Tend To Do These 5 Things Right, According To Research
Women who attract emotionally available, long-term partners follow these habits to a T.
Wirestock | Canva The quest for romantic love is one of the most primitive and powerful urges we have. More than a simple feeling or emotion, love is what the ancient Greeks called “the madness of the Gods.”
Today, the late biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher's research, published by the American Psychological Association, has helped us know love as both a natural addiction and a physiological drive like hunger or thirst. With so much primal brain power at work, it is no wonder that finding true love can seem like an overarching goal. Yet love is elusive, and the harder we try to find it, the more it seems to slip through our grasp.
Here are five things women who always find the right guy tend to do right, according to research:
1. Embrace themselves
Many people have a running, nit-picking, internal commentary on themselves. You might be constantly plagued with critical thoughts about your weight, your face, your habits, your personality, or some other aspect of yourself. These negative thoughts can torpedo your search for true love by convincing yourself you are not worthy.
The first step in the journey toward true love is to learn to love yourself exactly the way you are. Certainly, we all have things we would like to improve about ourselves, but try looking at yourself as you would a friend. Recognize yourself as a wonderful, worthwhile, lovable person, and be kind to yourself as you work to reach your ideals.
Positive affirmations are a great way to do this. Write down a few positive statements about yourself, such as “I am a kind, loving, gentle person,” or “I am beautiful inside and out.” Every morning, repeat those statements while looking at yourself in the mirror. Over time, you will come to believe them.
If you are young, say 18-22, and have not fallen in love or found true love, give it a little time. It happens when you least expect it. But if you are older and have been through several relationships, and you are dating a lot without finding love, you may want to face past relationship difficulties.
2. Face past relationship difficulties
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We would all rather put difficult past relationships behind us, but examining them objectively can reveal patterns that need to be broken.
Take an honest assessment of what caused your worst relationships to break down.
- Were there communication issues?
- Mistrust?
- Dependency?
- Did you and your partner bring out the worst in each other instead of the best?
Look for issues that seemed to repeat across multiple relationships, and take a critical look at their likely causes. Do you have relationship-based anxieties, a tendency to become jealous, or trouble communicating your needs?
Facing your negative relationship tendencies is the first step toward ensuring they do not repeat themselves. As you search for true love, keep your eyes open for signs of old patterns returning, and be prepared to do the hard work necessary to nip them in the bud. Dr. Fisher's work on romantic love as an addiction explained, "Individuals in the early stage of intense romantic love show many symptoms of substance and non-substance or behavioral addictions, including euphoria, craving, tolerance, emotional and physical dependence, withdrawal, and relapse."
Remember, some issues can be solved through mutual effort, while others reflect a tendency to choose psychologically unhealthy partners. If a potential mate is unwilling to work on issues with you, they are probably not the best choice.
3. Forgive their exes
While this can seem impossible, going through with it releases your baggage and helps you feel emotionally ready to move forward. Depending on the circumstances, you might want to talk directly with certain exes, write letters to others, and forgive still others only in your mind.
Whether your conversation is real or imaginary, take responsibility for your part in what happened without bearing the emotional weight of the entire breakup. Hold your ex accountable for what they did, but forgive the behaviors.
Note that forgiving does not necessarily mean opening yourself up to further pain. You can forgive someone without reopening a friendship, and sometimes that is the kindest way to handle things.
4. Identify their deal-breakers
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We all have a mental image of our perfect mate, but holding out for someone who precisely matches an ideal could mean missing out on someone perfect for you. Dr Fisher participated in a 2015 study that found, "Dealbreakers were associated with undesirable personality traits and unhealthy lifestyles," and "were stronger in long-term vs. short-term relationship contexts, and stronger in women vs. men in short-term contexts."
Take a few minutes to write a detailed description of exactly who your perfect true love would be — everything from height and hair color to likes and dislikes, and even personality quirks. Then put the list away for a few days before revisiting it.
The next stage is a two-part process.
First, revisit every single item on your “ideal partner” list and ask yourself whether you would rather be alone than with someone who does not meet that particular requirement. If not, then cross off the item. If so, leave it on the list.
After you finish, go through the list again. This time, for each item, ask yourself whether you would walk away from a potential partner who had all of the other qualities on your list, but not the particular one in question. If you would walk away, leave the item on the list. If not, then cross it off.
What you have left are your true deal-breakers — the qualities that absolutely must be present in your partner. Stop searching for someone who meets your ideal, and focus on finding a true love who fits your deal-breaker list instead.
5. Learn to say yes
Whether you believe in a higher power, the universe, karma, or something else, having the faith to say yes to the opportunities around you opens you up to real love. Rather than automatically reacting with fear and doubt, try saying yes to new experiences.
Pursue a hobby you always wanted to try, take a random trip with your friends or on your own, or simply learn to connect with your daily experiences fully. Living an active and dynamic life not only increases the likelihood of meeting your true love but also ensures that you are an interesting and well-rounded person in your own right.
Although there are no surefire methods for discovering your true love, science shows us that certain elements need to be in place before it can happen. "Romantic love is one of three discrete, interrelated emotion/motivation systems that all birds and mammals have evolved to direct courtship, mating, reproduction, and parenting," explained Dr. Fisher in The New Psychology Of Love.
You need to have a loving and open relationship with yourself and an innate understanding of what you need and desire from your ideal mate. Focus on solving these mysteries, and you will open the door for true love to find you.
There is no magical formula for finding your true love.
Instead, focus on creating an excellent relationship with yourself, forgiving your past, and learning what you require in a partner, and you will be in a wonderful position to recognize that person when he or she appears.
Neuroscientist Lucy L. Brown, Ph. D., and the late biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., are the writing team behind the Anatomy of Love. Their work focuses on matters of the brain and romantic love.
