9 Things Men Need In Marriage But Rarely Know How To Ask For
Marriage is rarely what men expect, but that doesn't have to mean the end.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Marriage is long and can be very hard. For many men, it is very different than what they thought it would be.
When people get married, we feel madly in love and assume we'll live happily ever after. And then marriage happens. Time goes on, and people start taking each other for granted.
While both members of a marriage can feel disheartened by what has happened, men are particularly vulnerable. Women have friends to process things with. Men, not so much. So, it's important that wives are aware of what their men need and that men work toward communicating those needs better.
Nine things men need in marriage but rarely ask for:
1. He needs to feel like you respect him.
Maples Images | Shutterstock
First and foremost, your husband and any person in the world need to feel respected.
Perhaps you think, “Of course I respect him,” but think about it. Do you really? And if you do, do you show him that you do?
I know that when I was married, I did not have much respect for my ex-husband. I did in the beginning, but that respect faded as time went on. The reasons why will surprise you.
Over the years, my husband has not been great at following through on his promises. When he did do something, I gave him a hard time for doing it wrong (read: my way). I wasn’t happy with his parenting style at times. There were so many little things that just got on my nerves.
As a result, I lost respect for him. Even worse, I let him know that I had lost respect for him by treating him with contempt. I was passive-aggressive and condescending and never made him feel welcome.
It was not good for him, that I know.
I always encourage my clients to work hard to keep up the respect for their husbands. The key to that is clearly communicating what they need, putting issues to bed that arise and recognizing that we are all human beings just doing our best!
You can do it too!
2. He wants you to desire him.
All women know that men have strong desires. They often crave intimacy and can get frustrated when it feels out of reach. What my male clients revealed to me that was surprising was not just their desire for intimacy but also the need to feel desired by their wives.
They want their wives to actively show interest in being close to them. They want their wives to initiate moments of intimacy, to enjoy time together, and not see those moments as another obligation.
This desire doesn't stop at intimacy alone. Men also want affection. They long for their wives to hold their hands, give affectionate hugs, or even lean against them while watching TV. Most men appreciate any form of physical closeness.
Unfortunately, as marriages evolve, women may stop feeling as inclined to express that kind of affection or forget to do so. So, pay attention to how often you touch your husband. Small, meaningful touches throughout the day can make a difference in how loved he feels and might even rekindle your feelings of closeness.
3. He needs to feel like he makes a difference in your life.
I always used to tell my ex-husband that he was rendering himself obsolete.
He wasn’t giving me what I needed, couldn’t do things the way I wanted him to, couldn’t show up when I needed him, and didn’t trust him to always be honest with me. As a result, I put him on the sidelines. I embraced my friends as the people I needed in my life and relied on them and myself to get things done.
And this devastated my husband. I know that it did.
Yes, my husband wasn’t always as reliable as I would have liked him to be, but when he was around, he truly wanted to make a difference in my life. Whether it was doing chores, spending time with me, or bringing me small gifts, he did things for me, things that he truly hoped would make me happy. He knew that my life was difficult, and he hoped that he could make a difference positively.
Unfortunately, by being passive-aggressive and contemptuous, I definitely didn’t make my husband feel like he made a positive difference in my life. Instead, I made him feel like he was always in the way and that I would truly be better off without him around.
Eventually, he got the hint, and he left.
4. He wants to make you laugh.
Malysheva Liudmyla | Shutterstock
One of the things that I hear most often from my male clients is that they wish that they could make their wives laugh. After all, when they were first together, he could make her laugh all the time. Not so much anymore, and it makes him sad.
So let me ask you: Do you find your husband funny, but you don’t laugh the way you used to because you are usually distracted by something else? Or perhaps you smile but then move on? Or do you find your husband’s sense of humor incredibly frustrating, something not funny at all?
Either way, I am guessing that you aren’t laughing with your husband as much as you did when you were first together. If you still find him funny, then you are just used to his sense of humor and don’t react as vocally. If he drives you nuts, know that its often the thing that made you fall in love with someone (like how funny they are) is the thing that can ultimately drive you apart.
If you find your husband funny, let him know by laughing. Don’t fake it, but make sure he knows it if you find him amusing.
5. He wants you to watch the football game with him.
Your husband probably doesn’t actively want you to watch the football game with him, but he does want you to share some of his interests.
When we first met, I loved helping my husband work on his car. I was the person who gave him the tools he needed and whose small hands could fit into places he didn’t. I amused him with my observations. I would give him a kiss when he emerged from underneath the car.
Now that we are in year eight together, I don’t help my husband when he works on his car. I let him go to the garage, and I continued doing whatever I was doing. While he hasn’t said anything, I am guessing that if I showed up in the garage to hang out and hold tools, he would not be unhappy.
Are you involved with the things that your husband takes an interest in? Even if it's just sitting on the couch a few hours a week to watch whatever sport is in season, having some interest in what he is passionate about is something that a husband really needs in a marriage!
6. He needs you to make him feel like a man.
Ground Picture | Shutterstock
I know, I know. In this day and age, why is it a woman’s job to make a man feel like a man? Isn’t that on him? Well, let me ask you this - I am guessing that you do feel like a woman for the most part, but does the attention of your husband make you feel like more of one? And does it feel pretty good?
It is the same with a man. Men want to feel like men. They want to feel like they are needed because they are strong or tall. They want you to appreciate the results of the workouts they are so committed to. They want you to want them to take care of you. They want to feel like they are the focus of your attention, at least some of the time.
Again, I know that women feel like men can be babies and need to be flattered so that they can feel more manly, but truly if you can make him feel more like a man, at least some days, you would be absolutely making his day!
7. He needs to be given some benefit of the doubt.
Okay, I am not telling you you must tolerate lying or deception in your marriage. Absolutely not. What I am asking you to do is give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Do not immediately assume that he is trying to put something over on you when it is not necessary.
After years of marriage letdowns, it can sometimes be difficult to trust your partner 100%. Therefore, when something goes awry, it’s hard not to go to the worst place.
For example, if your husband is late home from work again and he shows up with some seemingly lame excuse, try not to jump down his throat. What probably happened is that he lost track of time or got held back by a co-worker. What probably didn’t happen is him having dinner with another woman or looking at porn or whatever horrid thing that you could make up in your head.
Men are the kings of white lies. They lie to protect their women. They lie to keep themselves out of trouble. They lie by omission to not upset the apple cart. But, more often than not, your husband won’t maliciously lie to you - to try to pull one over on you in a harmful way.
So, I would encourage you to give the man who you are married to the benefit of the doubt if warranted. Unless your gut instinct is that his lie is a big one, let those little fibs go. They aren’t worth the hassle.
8. He wants you to not take things personally.
Jelena Zelen | Shutterstock
This is a big one for everyone, but particularly with women - we tend to take things that aren’t personally personal.
I have a client whose husband was supposed to stop on the way home from the office and check out some doors that they were going to install in their renovated house. He was distracted, and he just forgot (which, of course, was unfortunate).
How did she react? “If you loved me, you would have remembered to stop at the store.”
The reality is that her husband loves her very much; he just flaked this time around. He did not look at doors because he didn’t love her or because he wanted to upset her. He did it because he plain forgot.
So try not to interpret your husband's actions as a reflection of how much he loves you. Doing so will only cause you and your husband more pain than necessary.
9. He needs you to understand that he can’t always give you what you need.
Modern perspectives on marriage often include the belief that spouses should give their partners everything they need. They should be best friends and soulmates and anticipate each other's every desire.
Unfortunately, no one can be everything to any one person.
That being said, we all have women friends who come pretty close to giving us what we need. They are there for us when we need them. They never let us down. They are willing to listen and be empathetic. They anticipate our needs. All of these things that make us feel loved and respected.
Unfortunately, men aren’t so good at doing most of the things that your girlfriend can do for you. Of course, they want to be there when we need them and to never let us down but they aren’t always good at that. (And, to be fair, we probably have higher expectations of our husbands than we do of our girlfriends)
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.