11 Things Husbands Want Their Wives To Appreciate About Them, According To Psychology
While men may not ask for much, there are some things they wish their wives made them feel appreciated for.
Vera Arsic from Pexels via Canva Marriage is a contract, rooted in love. Healthy marriages derive strength from the promises spouses make, including the promise to show up for each other consistently, however the future unfolds. Yet promises on their own aren’t enough to carry a marriage, and there are several things husbands want their wives to appreciate about them, according to psychology.
Husbands and wives alike have to combine intention with action and hold onto grace and compassion whenever mistakes are made. As they settle into the rhythm and routine of being married, it’s common for spouses to take each other for granted. For all the frustration they might feel, centering gratitude is the only way to keep their marriage from dissolving.
Here are 11 things husbands want their wives to appreciate about them, according to psychology
1. Their sense of humor
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Many husbands take great pride in being funny. There’s no better feeling than making the woman they love laugh, that bright, full-body, deep-belly laugh that magnifies how beautiful she is. Laughing together brings couples closer, reinforcing the connection they have.
A study published in the journal “Personal Relationships” found that a shared sense of humor is a key indicator of relationship satisfaction.
“Playfulness between romantic partners is a crucial component in bonding and establishing relational security,” communication professor Jeffery Hall explained. “Shared laughter is an important indicator of romantic attraction between potential mates.”
Having a sense of humor is a love language, but as with all things, context is key. Humor that comes from a place of joy is different from an aggressive sense of humor. Weaponizing humor to tear people down is purposefully hurtful. Using humor to hide or deflect how you really feel is an avoidance technique, one that makes it impossible to truly know one another.
Professor Hall emphasized that the most important part of using humor in a relationship is doing it together. The value comes from “finding what’s funny in the everyday and enjoying it together [and] relishing in the absurdity of life.”
2. Their goals for self-improvement
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Husbands want their wives to appreciate the goals they set to grow into their best selves. An emotionally mature husband understands that his wife’s feedback isn’t an attack on his character or his worth. At its core, feedback is a request for a person to implement change or shift their approach to how they manage specific parts of life.
When husbands are able to hear feedback and integrate it into their behavior, it shows they’re self-aware, receptive, and truly want to work on self-improvement. Psychologist Nick Wignall pointed out that “self-awareness isn’t something you’re born into. It’s something you build through practice.”
Asking for and accepting feedback builds self-awareness, but it’s only one part of a much larger puzzle. Wignall shared that “true self-awareness comes from genuine interaction with other people — from conversation.”
Self-improvement is a slow process, one without a definitive finish line. Husbands want their wives to acknowledge the emotional labor it takes to learn and grow as an individual, which will help their partnership develop in a profound way.
3. Their reliability
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Husbands want to be appreciated for their reliability. They want their wives to value their role as a provider, on both practical and emotional levels. Their steady presence and consistent support is a foundational part of the life they’re building with their wife. A husband’s abiding loyalty creates a safe container where he and his wife can tackle tough conversations without fear of judgment.
Husbands who want to be fully present in their relationship don’t just say they’re going to do something, they step up and do it. When a husband is truly dependable, it anchors the love he and his wife share, and men like this want to feel appreciated for the continuity of care they provide.
4. Their quiet displays of affection
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The longer a marriage lasts, the easier it is for husbands and wives to put romance on the backburner. Daily life can be chaotic and draining, but partnerships run on passion. A spark can’t catch fire without being tended to, and marriages can’t flourish without some spark of romance.
Husbands want their wives to appreciate their quiet displays of affection. They want to be recognized for the little things they do, like bringing their wives coffee in bed and sending sweet texts throughout the day.
It’s easy to overlook subtle expressions of love, but they often hold more meaning than sweeping romantic gestures. Being whisked away to Paris for a weekend is exciting, but fancy vacations aren’t a tenable way to keep love alive longterm. Husbands want their wives to realize that they’re paying attention to the small details. They want to be appreciated for the romance of their everyday actions, which have true staying power.
5. Their listening skills
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Listening is often a point of contention between husbands and wives. Wives get upset that their husbands aren’t really hearing them, while their husbands insist that they are. Even if their listening skills are still a work in progress, husbands want their wives to appreciate that they’re putting in the effort and trying their best.
Professional certified coach Janelle Anderson revealed that radiant relationships don’t just appear out of nowhere, they develop when couples "cultivate their connection.”
Listening is a tried and true pathway to a stronger connection, because “Everyone longs to be heard, understood, seen, and known.”
“Deep, intuitive listening can repair and revolutionize even the most broken relationships,” Anderson explained. “When we experience another person genuinely listening to our hearts, we feel valued and know that we matter.”
Husbands who truly, fully hear their wives, “Listen between the lines [and] reflect on their words to validate and acknowledge that they are being heard and understood.”
6. Their accepting mindset
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Practicing acceptance is essential to weather the storms in any relationship, but that doesn't mean it comes easily. Husbands want their wives to appreciate all the ways their love manifests, including how they accept their wives for exactly who they are. Just as no person is perfect, no relationship is perfect, either. People are made up of inconsistencies.
Loving someone involves learning to accept their imperfections and cherishing the whole of who they are. Acceptance is a major part of what makes a marriage work. Husbands might not like all of their wives’ habits, but they have enough patience and perspective to let some things slide. They know that they can’t control their wives’ behavior, but they can control their own emotional reactions.
Husbands want their wives to know that they’re inherently lovable, flaws and all. They want their wives to see that their love isn’t conditional, and they want them to appreciate how deep their acceptance goes.
7. Their vulnerability
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Being vulnerable is a challenge for everyone, yet men face extreme societal pressure to keep their feelings to themselves. They’re raised to believe they can’t show their emotions, because being vulnerable means they’re weak. They spend most of their lives shoving their emotions down, which makes them disconnected from an essential part of themselves.
Vulnerability is scary, but it’s the only way to find true intimacy. Husbands want their wives to appreciate how much work they put into being vulnerable, even if they haven’t fully mastered it yet. Opening up and sharing their feelings goes against every message they’ve ever received about what it means to be strong.
Yet as relationship expert James Michael Sama pointed out, “Real strength is being able to show all sides of yourself without fear of being judged or without being deeply hurt if you are judged. Real strength is honesty. It’s exposure. It’s risk. It’s being genuine in a world that doesn’t always seem to appreciate it.”
Men want their wives to appreciate their emotional needs, “To be loved, listened to, and heard. They need to be able to express themselves both to each other and to women, without being thought of as ‘less of a man.’”
Every difficult conversation and tender moment that husbands share with their wives is a step forward to breaking the cycle of shame they were raised in, and embracing their true selves.
8. Their emotional regulation
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Many men struggle to regulate their emotions, which is a side effect of bottling them up for so long. Emotional regulation is crucial, both for individual well-being and for relationships. Emotional regulation can be defined as “the process of managing emotions to maintain balance and respond appropriately to challenges.”
A healthy approach to emotional regulation involves stepping back from the intensity of an emotion, interrupting the negative thought process that follows, and reengaging with the situation from a calmer place. Self-regulation requires people to allow their painful emotions without judgment and expressing them in a constructive way.
Husbands want their wives to appreciate them for breaking patterns and relearning how to handle their emotions. They might not get it right every time, but they’re working on it, and they don’t want their progress to go unnoticed.
9. Their daily acts of service
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Husbands want their wives to appreciate how they show their love through daily acts of service. When they take out the trash and load the dishwasher and get the car serviced, it’s not only to keep their lives running smoothly. Taking on those tasks is also their way of saying “I love you.”
Dr. Stan Tatkin shared relationship advice on YourTango’s “Getting Open” podcast, noting that love isn’t actually the answer to the difficult questions couples have to ask each other.
“Why do you exist as a couple? What’s the point of the two of you?” he asked. “What do you do for each other that nobody would ever want to do unless they got paid a lot of money? What makes this relationship pay out for both of you? What purpose do you serve each other?”
While love is an invaluable part of relationships, it’s far from the only thing that keeps two people together. Husbands want their wives to see their acts of service for what they are: A continued expression of care and devotion.
10. Their accountability
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Taking accountability is a muscle that grows stronger with practice. It takes humility and self-compassion for people to own their mistakes and pledge to do things differently in the future, and husbands want to be appreciated for committing to change. Accountability is the antidote to defensiveness, which has the capacity to destroy any relationship.
Defensiveness does nothing to solve conflicts, it only exacerbates them. According to The Gottman Institute, “when you become defensive in a conversation with your partner, you react to their words without listening to what they’re saying.”
Defensive reactions are a way to blame your partner for issues you had a part in creating. Taking responsibility for your role in the conflict shows how much you care about your partner’s feelings. Once you accept accountability “you will find that you can have a real dialogue with your partner. You become a team working through the problem together.”
The act of holding oneself accountable deepens the connection two people have. Husbands who hold themselves accountable demonstrate how strong their emotional intelligence is. They want their wives to appreciate that they’re putting love into action as they pull their own weight in the relationship.
11. Their commitment
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Men want their wives to appreciate how committed they are to making their marriages stronger, every single day. They know that good things don’t come easily, which is what makes a relationship worth fighting for. Of all the things to focus on over the course of their lives, husbands are acutely aware that the connection they have with their wives is the most important one.
A good marriage builds on itself year after year, as long as both partners are in it to win it. A husband's commitment to his wife is an investment worth making, again and again, because it makes his life richer in every way.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.