15 Marriage Vows Most Couples Learn The Hard Way
The wedding vows I didn't know I needed to make.
FluxFactory | Canva Six years ago this December, I stood in a wood-paneled courtroom and awkwardly exchanged wedding rings with my boyfriend. I was wearing a brown dress, the only dress that fit over my 8-month-pregnant belly, and he was wearing a casual button-down shirt.
We recited the promises to make in vows, the lines we were told to say — for better or worse, in sickness and in health... yada yada yada. And that was about it. Married. To be honest, the marriage vows were a means to an end, the end being a marriage certificate and then a new family of three with one cozy last name.
Knowing what I know now, marriage vows are important at a wedding ceremony. They are solemn "I promise" vows that don't just say, "I love you unconditionally for the rest of our lives." Instead, these vows — that must couples learn the hard way — remind us to keep holding on, or they raise red flags about aspects of a relationship that need some attention.
Here are the marriage vows most couples learn the hard way:
1. I promise to encourage, support and believe in you
I promise to say, "Yes, you can do it!", to recognize your strengths, and to see your potential, especially when you can't see it yourself. Why should we be with someone who only cuts us down, criticizes us, and makes us smaller?
2. I promise to speak to you and about you with kindness and compassion
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Because the true essence of love — at its very core — is kindness. If it isn't kind, it isn't love.
Promising to speak to your partner with kindness is crucial because it fosters a strong emotional connection, builds trust, enhances overall relationship satisfaction, and creates a safe space for open communication. A 2021 study explained that kindness is a foundation for a healthy relationship by promoting feelings of care, understanding, and respect between partners.
3. I promise to love myself as much as I love you and to never expect you to complete me
And I hope you can promise me the same because we can never truly love each other if we can't love ourselves.
4. I promise to respect your boundaries, and I expect the same in return
We'll both be healthier and happier because of it. Respecting your partner's boundaries is crucial because it fosters trust, promotes healthy communication, preserves individual autonomy, and ultimately contributes to a more fulfilling and balanced relationship by ensuring both partners feel safe and respected within the dynamic.
Failing to do so can lead to resentment, decreased intimacy, and potential emotional harm, a study published in Imagination, Cognition, and Personality found.
5. I promise to never intentionally hurt you, and I expect the same in return
Because love is reciprocity. Promising never intentionally to hurt your partner is important because it fosters trust, builds a foundation for a secure relationship, and demonstrates a commitment to prioritizing your partner's well-being, which are all crucial elements for a healthy partnership.
However, a 2021 PLoS One study found it's essential to understand that avoiding unintentional hurt is often impossible due to human nature and the complexities of relationships.
6. I promise to listen with an open mind and an open heart
I can never judge you. The critical importance of listening with an open mind is emphasized, emphasizing its role in fostering positive interpersonal relationships, enhancing understanding, promoting empathy, and facilitating effective communication.
A 2014 study explained that allowing individuals to consider diverse perspectives without immediate judgment leads to better decision-making and personal growth. This concept is closely linked to active listening practices, where the listener actively engages with the speaker's message without interrupting or prematurely forming conclusions.
7. I promise to allow you to be your best self and to step back if I interfere with your well-being
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We both deserve to be our best selves in this marriage.
8. I promise to be a safe space for your secrets and vulnerabilities
We're in this together. Research from The Gottman Institute found that creating a safe space within a romantic relationship is critical.
Feeling emotionally secure with your partner is foundational for fostering intimacy, vulnerability, and overall relationship satisfaction. When individuals feel safe expressing their true selves, it allows for deeper connection and personal growth within the partnership.
9. I promise to forgive you for who you are and to forgive myself for my flaws
There's nothing you can do that would ever make me turn away from you.
10. I promise to honor your dreams and fears and to understand who you are, right in this moment.
Not who I want you to be or how I expect you to change.
11. I promise to have patience through the dark times
The darkness always comes, and it's always temporary. But I'll be holding your hand the entire time while we go through a rough patch.
12. I promise to make time for you
I will never be too busy for you. A 2022 study showed that couples who regularly spend quality time together experience greater relationship satisfaction, closeness, and stability. The key focus is on quality time rather than just quantity, where both partners are present and engaged with each other, even if it's just for a short period each day.
13. I promise to never keep score
The scales won't always be perfectly balanced, and that's okay. Keeping score in a relationship where one partner meticulously tracks perceived imbalances in contributions or favors is highly detrimental.
A 2024 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that keeping score leads to resentment, eroded trust, and a significant decrease in relationship satisfaction. This highlights the importance of not keeping score with your partner to maintain a healthy connection.
14. I promise to choose love
Even when it doesn't feel like an option.
15. And if one day we realize that the most loving choice in our marriage is to part ways, to grow in different directions, with different experiences, I promise to be okay with that
While I'll never threaten divorce out of anger or fear, I promise to be honest about the health of our marriage and to always hold love and kindness for you in my heart.
Michelle Horton is a writer and advocate. Through the Nicole Addimando Community Defense Committee, she speaks out for her sister and the countless other victims of domestic violence criminalized for their acts of survival. She's the author of Dear Sister: A Memoir of Secrets, Survival, and Unbreakable Bonds.