10 Traits Of A Truly Good Husband, According To Psychology
The longevity of your marriage depends on it.
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock As a couples counselor, the majority of marriages are already failing, or at least heading down a dangerous road. My female clients often reflect on the red flags that they realize, only in retrospect, meant that their then-boyfriend would not make a good husband.
But there are other times when women get incredibly lucky, and end up with a husband who is everything they want and more.
Here are 10 traits of a truly good husband, according to psychology
1. He has the desire to be a team player
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Although it may seem endearing if your partner sits on the couch while you bake him cookies and clean up afterward, this trait is going to make you resentful one day.
As a loving partner, you think everything is cute because your hormones are racing, and it feels like playing house if he watches the game while you make dinner. It's all part of the honeymoon phase, after all. But this behavior can signal self-centeredness as well.
If you're up and moving much more of the time than your partner is, this chasm will only widen over time. And him not being a team player will eventually trickle down to your kids and your own home.
2. He has good hygiene
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It may sound silly, but many women find their husbands' lack of basic hygiene (e.g., daily showers, brushing teeth) to be a total attraction-killer and a source of contention in their marriage, some of which is unspoken.
According to research, a spouse's personal cleanliness and hygiene can predict the stability of a marriage. The study also concluded that "personal hygiene and intimacy work together to forecast stability of marriage."
If your partner isn't regularly taking care of their hygiene and it makes you uncomfortable, he's likely to become even less hygienic as time goes on. But a partner who pays attention to their hygiene makes for an incredible husband.
3. He's flexible about gender roles
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If your husband believes that women shouldn't work outside the home, unless this idea is a core tenet of your personal philosophy as well, this is a major red flag. That also goes for anything else where he feels that women deserve or should want things that are different than what men deserve or should want. It could be a clear indicator of misogyny.
You may think it's romantic that he's a breadwinner when you're 25, but your mind may change down the road. And the signs of a good husband include him being supportive, and considering that men and women to be fairly similar in their basic needs and drives.
On the flip side, if you ever feel shamed by your partner about your history, get out quick, because this attitude may not go away, and it can also shape the ideas he conveys to your children or family members.
4. He has financial generosity, however you define it
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You can tell pretty soon into a relationship or marriage how your partner wants to spend, or not spend, money.
Some couples bond over their frugality, and that's great! Unfortunately, if you feel that you're always paying for your partner and he spends no money to make your life better, this becomes worse after marriage.
Money is a point of conflict in marriages. One landmark study found that disagreements over finances are the number one indicator of a future divorce. Additionally, a survey determined that many couples argue about money at least once per week.
But a key indicator of a good husband is the attitude he has towards spending money. A man who is financially generous makes for an excellent husband. This means there's a harmony about financial values.
If you're very frugal and your generous husband is always buying rounds of drinks and coming home with gifts, you will likely argue, although not as much as if he were more "careful" with his finances.
5. He uses substances in moderation
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Another indication of a truly good husband is the way he uses moderation with not just technology and his diet, but substances as well. It may have been cool in college to drink everyone under the table, but in a marriage, it's not fun.
You need to be able to count on him when you need him most: when the baby is crying, when he needs to go to work to pay the mortgage, when you need some emotional support. Otherwise, it can spell trouble in your marriage.
Things change as you, as a couple, mature. If your husband can't keep it together, you may feel frustrated and this will build resentment.
6. He truly enjoys being around your friends and family
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When you marry someone, your family and friends become their family and friends, and vice versa. Having a husband who enjoys being around your loved ones is a great indicator of your marriage going the distance.
Many men just tolerate their partner's friends and family, but you know in your heart if it's just tolerance or real affection. If real affection isn't present for at least the five most important people in your life, it's likely to bother you a great deal over time.
If your husband retreats to the basement whenever your mom comes by, or makes snide remarks about your best friend, this will be an ongoing source of unhappiness and embarrassment for you, and one which frequently leads to tremendous arguments. Hopefully, you have a husband who doesn't do this.
7. He has the same desire for kids as you
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Relationships fluctuate over time; that's to be expected. And, yes, things can change when a couple has a child. But this is an essential conversation to have before getting married and settling down together.
If you never want kids, the man you choose to be with should also want to be child-free. The same goes for if you do want kids; the man you marry should want them, too.
When women want a child and their husband doesn't, it usually comes out that he said all along that he never wanted kids, but she just felt she could change his mind, or that he would change his mind as he matured. If this doesn't happen, the wife can feel cheated out of the most important thing she ever wanted, and the husband can feel blindsided and betrayed.
It's a good indicator if you and your husband feel the same about whether or not you want children. Remember that you shouldn't try to change a man who does or doesn't want kids into the opposite. Your marriage depends on it.
8. You share the same primary love language
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As defined by Dr. Gary Chapman, the love languages refer to very general ways romantic partners receive and express love, which are divided into five categories: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
The signs of a truly good husband include him sharing the same love language as you. For example, if you adore verbal expressions of love, your husband does this regularly. If you enjoy acts of service, your husband makes you dinner when you're tired.
Of course, having different love languages doesn't make your relationship more likely to fail; however, it's important to make sure you complement one another's preference.
9. He's able to verbalize emotions
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Communication is one of the most important components of a healthy relationship or marriage. Unfortunately, many men aren't open or vulnerable with their feelings. And that's due to numerous factors, including societal pressures and gender stereotypes.
In fact, one survey found that nearly one-third of men feel pressure to be "manly" or "masculine," 38% don't talk about their feelings with others, and 30% have never cried or shown emotion in front of other people.
Despite these findings, studies have determined that men experience emotions at the same level as women. But when men avoid those emotions, it can create mental health issues.
In marriage, it's essential to have a partner who isn't afraid to be vulnerable with the person he trusts most: you. Otherwise, if he can't express his feelings, it will unwittingly lead to significant sadness and loneliness for you.
10. You have incredible chemistry
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Some women marry their best friends, and this can work out if they themselves have no great desire for passion or chemistry. But most women want to experience memorable encounters with their partner.
There are certain factors that cause chemistry between romantic partners, including having genuine empathy, being in sync with each other, instinctive emotional communication and, of course, physical attraction.
Chemistry is much more than physical intimacy. Does your husband have the same core values as you? Does he respect your opinions and want you to be genuinely happy? Can you two talk about anything without walking on eggshells?
If so, you have undeniable chemistry with your partner. And it indicates that you've landed yourself a truly good husband.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten is a clinical psychologist and the founder of DrPsychMom. Her work has appeared in numerous online publications, including Medium, Scary Mommy, Huffington Post, The Washington Post, and The New York Times, among many others.