8 Things Gen-X Was Taught About Marriage That Have Since Been Disproven
Gen-X was taught fairytale love makes the world go round. Wrong, among other beliefs.
Syda Productions | Canva "Do as I say, not as I do," the words of so many Boomer parents echoing in Gen-X ears have almost come full circle. Gen-X, who often rejected the ideals of the past to experiment with new marriage dynamics, still had to use the tools of their parents to shape new ideas for better or worse.
Some of these experiments proved successful, while others, not so much, which brings us full circle as we learn things Gen-X was taught about marriage that have since been disproven. Perhaps this gives Gen-X a chance to twist their parent's phrase and proclaim to younger generations, "Don't do as I did or said."
Here are things Gen-X was taught about marriage that have since been disproven:
1. The belief in a fairytale marriage
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Therapist Gloria Brame watched how "former generations believed that once you got married, everything, including intimacy, would naturally work out well. Gen-Xers and younger know better.
Today's generations are more deliberate in their choices and understand that marriage is not a free pass to lifelong happiness. It will take effort, commitment, and a realistic assessment of whether or not they have a healthy relationship, as research from The American Psychological Association confirms.
2. The belief that you should stay in a bad marriage for the kids
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People don't view marriage as an institution for which they will sacrifice their happiness and fulfillment for their kids' sake. Generally, I think people [from Gen-X on] choose to stay in the marriage because the marriage is fulfilling at some level, explains divorce attorney Jennifer Hargrave.
A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family supports this sentiment, suggesting that people know they have options, and suffering in a marriage is not something most people choose.
3. The belief that being vulnerable makes you weak
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"Gen X grew up being told that being vulnerable made them weak when the opposite is true. Showing vulnerability is a sign of strength, and it’s the only way to make a relationship last. Gen Xers weren’t given the tools they needed to navigate having complex emotions, which means they went through life being fairly disconnected from their feelings. As a result, their relationships weren’t rooted in vulnerability, which is essential to keeping connections strong," suggests human interest writer Alexandra Blogier.
Blogier elaborates, "Gen Xers were taught not to talk about how they feel, so the amount of emotional distance in their relationships grew wider. Avoiding emotional conversations just because they’re hard to have is a relationship lesson Gen X followed that Gen Z should avoid at all costs."
4. The belief that you should marry within your religion
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Millennial deputy editor Andrea Zimmerman explains the pressure she felt from older generations. "The concept of marrying within your religion felt heavily pushed on me by older generations when I was young and attending Catholic grade school," Zimmerman explains.
"Now I'm 38, and the idea of limiting yourself to a person within one organized religion — a problematic concept in and of itself — and is completely outdated. Younger generations are more open-minded when it comes to what they're looking for in a partner. Shared values aren't necessarily equated with the place of worship you attend. I ended up marrying a Jewish guy, which proves my point exactly."
5. The belief that all you need is love
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As a Gen-Xer, therapist Mary Kay Cocharo "was taught to believe I should marry whoever I fell in love with and our love would be enough to sustain a multi-decade marriage. False! It takes much more than love."
Research from the American Psychological Association agrees, explaining that modern couples seem to understand marriage also requires deep respect, friendship, compatibility, similar life goals, shared activities and interests, mutual friends, shared values, and more!"
6. The belief that you should never go to bed angry
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Career coach Lisa Petsinis has learned how "Reconciling a disagreement before bed might seem like the path to a peaceful sleep and a happy marriage, but this doesn’t always lead to bliss. Anger, though uncomfortable, can be a signal of what’s important to you. Rather than fearing it, couples can benefit from acknowledging their emotions and working through them. "When emotions are high, trying to force a resolution can escalate the conflict, leading to hurtful words or one partner suppressing their needs to avoid further friction."
A study in Annual Review of Psychology suggests instead, agreeing to a cool-off period allows both individuals an opportunity to reflect, regain composure, and approach the discussion with a clearer mindset.
"You might introduce this idea by saying, 'I love you and I want us to have a productive conversation about this. Can we revisit it tomorrow after dinner when we’ve both had time to think?' This approach reassures your partner, sets a specific time limit, and fosters a constructive resolution," Petsinis continues.
7. The belief that one person will meet all your needs
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"Gen X’ers were raised in a community of failed marriages. Where divorce had been the exception before the 1970s, it became the norm for many of my peers as we grew up in the 1970s and 1980s," recalls divorce attorney Jennifer Stanton Hargrave.
"As my friends shlepped their stuff back and forth between our parents’ houses, many of us wondered whether marriage would be worth it when we grew up. The notion one person would meet all your needs was romantic. Remember the line from Jerry Maguire where the girl tells the boy, 'You complete me.'"
But we’ve learned that one person should never be saddled with the responsibility of meeting your needs. In fact, after years of therapy, personal coaching, and enlightenment, the truth is no one else is responsible for making you a complete person. That is your work and yours alone. If you are miserable in your relationship, your parents probably taught you to blame the other person for your misery. But that is a destructive pattern that gives other people way too much power over your own life.
Staying in a relationship with someone who causes you misery is not healthy either. If you leave that relationship without changing yourself it’s more than likely that the misery will follow you to your next relationship.
It’s a great investment to spend time learning how to enjoy your life on your own. And odds are, you will likely find you enjoy the people you’re surrounding yourself with when you are in a better place! Two complete people in a relationship make for a much better marriage."
8. The believe that marriage is the end-all, be-all
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Gen-X married person and social media director Mary Rindlesbach knows marriage is all about choice. "If my current marriage doesn't work, I'm done. I'm decidedly, 100% not interested in ever getting remarried if my marriage fails. I would be perfectly happy to get a couple of additional dogs and spend my time doing what I like. I have no problem going out to eat alone, going to the movies alone, traveling alone, etc.
My marriage almost failed about 10 years ago, and I made the decision I was happy not to have a partner if that was the case, and it does fall into the fierce independence Gen-Xers are known for. It's the whole 'we were told to go play outside and not come home until the street lights came on' so we are fine being independent and on our own.
"We are happy to have and choose a partner, but if it doesn't work out, we are also just as happy to be on our own. I've told my husband many times we're married because I want to be married to him. If that ever changes, I'll let him know."
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.