11 Things Couples Think Are Normal But Are Actually Signs Of An Incompatible Relationship
You might think your relationship is healthy, but there could be warning signs of incompatibility you don't recognize.
Photoroyalty / Shutterstock All couples want to believe that they’ll be the ones to make it and have a lasting relationship filled with love and happiness. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. Some people just aren’t meant to be together, and many find that they simply aren’t happy together. It's not necessarily that they did anything wrong, but rather that there are many things couples think are normal but are actually signs of an incompatible relationship. Not knowing what those things are can set us up for heartbreak down the road.
Sometimes, a relationship that seems solid really isn’t. Licensed psychologist Kristen Davin, Psy.D., said, “Although there are times when relationships are more challenging and can feel hard — it’s a struggle. However, a relationship should not feel like it is always a struggle.” But for some, it does.
Here are 11 things couples think are normal but are actually signs of an incompatible relationship
1. Overthinking everything they say
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Overthinking can be bad in almost any situation, but is especially true in relationships. A lot of couples consider this to be normal, and at some stages in the relationship, it is. Who hasn’t put way too much thought into how to respond to a text when you’ve first started dating someone? But if this is a consistent pattern that continues throughout the relationship, it’s probably a sign that things are off.
According to Alisha Powell, Ph.D., LCSW, “Overthinking in relationships can lead to numerous challenges. When you overthink, you’re either dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, making it difficult to be emotionally present for your partner. This can result in significant emotional distress and anxiety.”
If a couple doesn’t feel comfortable sharing their honest, unfiltered thoughts with each other, it’s a sign that their relationship is incompatible. No one deserves to remain stuck in a relationship like this, where you have to overthink everything you say.
2. Always feeling misunderstood
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Another sign that a relationship is incompatible that could be mistaken for something normal is feeling misunderstood by your partner. No relationship is perfect, and no two people will ever be exactly in sync. However, a complete lack of understanding shows that your partner simply doesn’t care enough to see where you’re coming from.
Steven Stosny, Ph.D., said that one factor that can often lead to feeling misunderstood is the “illusion of sameness.” This, he explained, is the belief that everything you experience is experienced in the exact same way by your partner. “The great irony of the illusion of sameness is that we’re most attracted to partners who differ from us,” he added.
It’s normal for you and your partner to just not get each other sometimes, but if this is a recurring theme in your relationship, it’s probably a sign that you’re incompatible. In a healthy relationship, you will feel seen, heard and understood. You’ll know that your partner always has your back.
3. Feeling lonely even though they’re together
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We all hope that we’ll feel like we’re a united front when we’re in a relationship, but that isn’t always the case. Sometimes, even though a person is part of a couple, they feel distinctly lonely. This is a sure sign of incompatibility as no relationship should leave you feeling this way.
VeryWell Mind writer Barbara Field stated, “If you feel lonely while in a relationship, you might not be sharing your fears, worries and vulnerabilities with your partner. Or you might be relying too much on your significant other to help you find meaning in life during trying times.”
Sometimes, however, this isn’t the case. It’s entirely possible to be sharing a healthy amount with your partner while also balancing not being too dependent on them, and you still just feel lonely. This is an indicator that the relationship may not be meant to be, and that you deserve to feel supported, not alone.
4. Having different dreams for the future
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If you and your partner plan on entering the future together, it’s important to have a clear picture of what that looks like — and to be on the same page. If you want one thing and your partner wants another, neither of you will ever really be able to be happy because someone will not get what they want, or you’ll both end up compromising.
One situation that may be an exception was highlighted by authors David and Constantino Khalaf. Writing for the Gottman Institute, they shared how they realized that they do share the same dreams for their future. However, they each had very different timelines in which they hoped to achieve those dreams. If that’s the case, it may be possible to work through any misalignment.
But, if you truly see an entirely different future than your partner does, chances are you aren’t meant to live that future together. You’ll have to each find your own wings to follow your own dreams independently, and find the right person to do that with.
5. Feeling dismissed by each other
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Do you ever feel like your partner is dismissing you and your concerns? It’s actually a common experience. Robert Taibbi, LCSW said, “This is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples I work with: One partner feels that they have no voice, are not heard, and by the time they see me, they’re fed up.”
If you don’t feel like your partner is there for you and actively supporting you, then your relationship quite simply isn’t working. If they regularly dismiss you and the things that matter to you, it’s a sign that you’re incompatible and just not meant to be. Trying to force that kind of relationship to work will only lead to more pain and heartache.
6. Avoiding certain topics in conversation
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If a couple is right for each other, they’ll feel like they can discuss anything and everything. Having to keep certain topics off-limits is a sign that a relationship isn’t working. If you have to avoid certain topics, you’re simply not compatible.
Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., shared that this is something he often sees in his work with couples. “Unable to amicably discuss such issues, the couple — assuming they’ve already given up arguing about the topics, despite being continually frustrated by them — have developed the ‘tactic’ of begrudgingly resigning themselves to a situation, or are in some sort of hopeless denial about its existence,” he said.
If you’re finding yourself unable to broach certain topics in conversation with your partner, it’s a definite indicator that the relationship isn’t healthy. If it’s not something you can work through together or with outside help, it’s probably best to end things, as you’re really incompatible.
7. All of the effort is one-sided
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Maybe it feels like your relationship is working, but only when you make it work. One-sided relationships are dangerous because they leave one person with all of the responsibility and hardship while their partner gets to coast by doing virtually nothing. If only one of you is putting in all of the effort, the relationship is definitely incompatible.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Scott Bea, Psy.D., said some of the signs of a one-sided relationship are feeling exhausted, lacking a connection, your partner never making any sacrifices and always being the one to apologize. “It’s any relationship where it feels like the effort, energy and tasks are imbalanced, and where one feels as though there’s not a reciprocity that they would necessarily like,” he described.
If you think you’re the only one doing anything to make your relationship work, or perhaps you recognize that in your partner, it’s time to reconsider the relationship. Because, at its core, you don’t have a relationship at all. That would require two people to be actively working together.
8. Feeling like something is wrong
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It may be a cliche, but if you feel like something is off, it probably is. Sometimes, your gut reaction is all you have to go off of. It’s important to give it the attention it deserves. If you feel like something is wrong in your relationship, lean into that feeling and consider it. What could it be trying to tell you or point you to?
Teresa Lodato, CPCC, explained that one of the most essential times to trust your intuition is when it’s telling you something about a relationship. “If … you feel there is something off with your relationship to your partner, don’t ignore that,” she said. “Be curious instead and seek to understand what is going on that has you wondering if something is up.”
If you feel like something is off in your relationship, use it as an opportunity to investigate why you feel that way. There may be a simple, innocent answer for why you feel that way. But if it’s truly not a right fit, you’ll know. It’s best to leave these incompatible relationships behind.
9. Not feeling like you can be your authentic self
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When you’re with someone, you should feel like you can share anything with them, including who you truly are. If you’re struggling to do that, it could very possibly be a sign that your relationship is incompatible. If you can’t be yourself with your partner, then do you really feel safe to be your true self at all, in any situation? Chances are the answer is no.
Leah Aguirre, LCSW, pointed out that pretending to be someone you’re not so you fit in better in a relationship is not only disingenuous but also dangerous to your sense of self-worth. “It is so important to embrace, accept and love yourself, flaws and all, for who you are at your core,” she explained. “When you try to pretend that you are someone else, you are … essentially at odds with your true self and subconsciously (and also maybe consciously) reinforcing the belief that who you are ‘is not good enough.’”
If you don’t feel comfortable being who you truly are with your partner, it’s time to move on. You deserve to feel like you can share your authentic self in all situations, and especially those that involve the person that is supposed to love and support you more than anyone else in the world.
10. You no longer feel fulfilled
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Feeling fulfilled in your relationship is one of the most important aspects of a partnership. It means that you not only feel loved, but feel happy in that love. You don’t question where you stand with your partner, and the two of you are simply content together. Unfortunately, sometimes these feelings can change, or not even be present in the first place.
Author Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr., Ph.D., described it this way: “Your relationship feels almost incomplete, like something is missing. It’s not like your partner treats you poorly, and you’re not totally unhappy. But if you’re honest, you’re not super happy either … You don’t feel great. You don’t feel terrible. Your situation isn’t ideal, but it’s also not a dealbreaker.”
If you feel this kind of apathy and neutrality where you’re not upset but you’re also not happy, it could be time to move on from the relationship. This is a sign that you are likely incompatible since you aren’t truly happy with each other — at least not deep down.
11. Their support is inconsistent
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If you’re in a relationship with someone, they should be there and show up for you. It’s really their job as your partner. Not feeling like you have a consistent level of support from your partner can be detrimental for you and your relationship. It sends the message that you’re not worth consistent, unwavering support, when you most definitely are.
Psychologist Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., pointed out that it is important that support be something that is consistent in a relationship. “Mutual support, and mutuality around differences and decision-making are necessary for a healthy relationship,” he shared. Furthermore, if you’re open to receiving support, it can improve your health, he added.
Support is a two-way street, and it’s essential that both partners be willing to receive and give it. If you feel like you’re the only one offering support and your partner just isn’t there for you the way they should be, the relationship is likely incompatible. It’s okay to move on to something that’s better for you.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.