12 Signs You're Forcing A One-Sided Relationship That's Not Meant To Be
A relationship should be equal and both partners should pull their weight.
Josuha Rawson | Unsplash Few things are as emotionally damaging as being in a one-sided relationship with someone who doesn’t pull their weight.
When you’re with someone who isn't pulling their weight in your relationship, you often start questioning what’s wrong with you. The more they neglect you or just “ride the gravy train” without putting effort back in, the worse it hurts — and in most cases, the needier you get.
What’s weird about being in a one-sided relationship is that you often don’t realize how bad it is when it’s happening to you. Make no mistake about it — if he’s doing any of these things, he’s not putting in effort and you should pull the plug because the relationship is not meant to be.
Here are signs you're forcing a one-sided relationship that's not meant to be:
1. You regularly feel like you’re the one doing all the work
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Generally speaking, if you feel that way, you probably are doing an unfair share of the work. For example, if you do most of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, date night planning, and financial providing for the two of you, then yeah, he’s not pulling his weight.
2. You have to give ultimatums to get your partner to do anything
Do you have to threaten him with leaving just to get him to do the bare minimum? Does it feel like you may need to resort to that, even if you haven’t already? Chances are that he knows he’s being lazy, but that he’s hoping you’ll just huff and puff about it rather than just leave.
Relying on ultimatums to get a partner to take action is a strong indicator of a one-sided relationship. Research by the Gottman Institute found that it demonstrates a power imbalance, a lack of healthy communication, and an attempt to control the other person's behavior through manipulation and coercion. Forcing them to act only under threat of the relationship ending rather than through mutual understanding and respect.
3. You regularly wonder if your partner's even listening to you
There’s a difference between hearing and listening. Sure, he heard you say that you needed something done, but did he listen? If you don’t get the feeling that he considers your opinion, it’s probably a one-sided relationship.
4. When you sit down to discuss what needs to be done, your partner agrees but nothing ever comes of it
This is a lot like the concept of “fairy food:” It looks great, but in the end, it’s not satisfying you and nothing ever changes. If you find him doing little but providing lip service that “he’ll change,” it’s time to call it quits. He won’t change, no matter how much he’s trying to convince you otherwise.
5. You feel unreasonable for asking your partner to do basic things
This is particularly toxic behavior, because in this case, they know they are not pulling their weight, and rather than change for the better, they decided to just blame you for having reasonable expectations. For example, if you ask them to be intimate once a month, and they say something like, “It’s always about intimacy with you, isn’t it?”
If they shame you for asking them to do the bare minimum, then guess what? It’s abuse, along with them not pulling their weight. You may want to get this leech away from you.
Research by the University of Oklahoma explained that when a partner makes you feel unreasonable for asking them things, this is often linked to a psychological concept called emotional invalidation. In this case, your feelings, needs, or concerns are dismissed or downplayed, making you question your perspective and feel like you're being overly demanding or irrational.
6. You’re pretty sure your partner wouldn't do half the things you do for them
You want to believe otherwise, but deep down inside, you probably have that hunch. More often than not, the vibe you get about how committed a guy is will be correct. If you feel like they wouldn’t do the same for you, chances are they really, truly wouldn’t.
7. You end up saying things along the lines of, 'Never mind, I’ll do it'
This is one of those phrases that angry parents tend to utter when their kids are lazy pains in the butt, and if you find yourself saying that around your partner, that says volumes about what’s going on in your relationship.
8. You do the majority of the work hoping that it’ll get better
I swear, sometimes it feels like “it’ll get better” is one of the most toxic phrases in the world when it comes to relationships. If your partner doesn’t do much of anything and you’re doing most of the work, hoping they’ll eventually change, I’ve got news for you: They have no reason to change, and probably never will.
Consistently doing most of the work in a relationship with the hope that your partner will eventually reciprocate can be detrimental to your well-being and relationship quality. It often leads to feelings of resentment, decreased satisfaction, and potential relationship instability.
This dynamic is usually referred to as an imbalanced power dynamic within a partnership. A 2022 study recommended clearly expressing your needs and expectations to your partner, including how you feel about the current dynamic.
9. You are resentful of your partner
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I’m a firm believer that, once resentment starts to make itself present in your relationship, the relationship is over. The reason why is that, even if you overcome the issue, the resentment will still be there. If he’s done enough to make you feel resentful over his lack of effort, it’s time to break up.
10. You find yourself resorting to manipulative behavior to get things done
Once again, this is a very similar point to the resentfulness issue. Do you want to have to be manipulative and underhanded just so that you have a partner who will pull his weight? That’s an exhausting way to deal with a partnership, and frankly, it’s never worth the effort.
11. You wonder why you’re not enough
Do you feel used or depressed because you can’t seem to get your partner to pull their weight? Well, the good news is that it’s not your fault. The bad news is that you can’t do anything to solve it and that the relationship has run its course.
When a partner consistently demonstrates a lack of effort, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy and the belief that you are not enough, often tied to concepts like self-worth, attachment styles, and the perception of a relationship's balance and equity. Research suggests that women may be more likely to report feeling inadequate when their partner doesn't put in effort, potentially due to societal expectations regarding relationship dynamics.
12. You have become way more needy, even though it’s not like you to be that way
Most people don’t become needy overnight. Neediness tends to mean that certain needs are not being met, and if you find yourself acting that way, chances are it’s because you feel like your partner isn’t putting in the effort or showing that they care. Should this happen, you’ll find your neediness dropping once you split up with them.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.