The 5 Stages Of Getting Back Together With An Ex That Almost Guarantee Success
How to go backward so you can finally move forward.
Happy Pixels | Canva Every relationship leaves its mark and has a lesson to teach. You may need to break up with someone to learn from other relationships. Or maybe you needed a breakup in order to gain the emotional maturity it takes to be ready for the right person. And maybe the right person is your ex.
Depending on the circumstances of who left whom, why, and how long ago it happened, there are crucial things that must happen to establish a solid foundation for the relationship. There are some general rules for getting back together with an ex.
Five stages of getting back together with an ex that almost guarantee success of some sort
1. Acknowledge and attempt to first fix the root of the problem
If you get back with an ex, you already know the issues. You know what you are signing up for and what it will take to make it work this time around.
If those issues contributed to the end of your relationship the last time around, they must be either accepted or addressed.
2. Acknowledge the damage that leaving may have caused
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Maybe the time away gave you a new perspective. Maybe you did some work, had some therapy or coaching, did some soul-searching, and redefined your priorities.
Maybe you grew up and realized that you are OK with your ex's baggage, idiosyncrasies, weirdness, problems, weaknesses, personality differences, and lifestyle disagreements.
Or, maybe the time away allowed them to reevaluate themselves, do the work, re-prioritize, change, grow up, evolve, and get to a better place, as well as accept their issues.
Regardless, something has to give — either the issues or your attitude around them. The damage that remains after the breakup of a relationship doesn't just disappear because you decide to reappear, as shown by a study in the Stress and Health Journal. You must first fix the distrust and issues that tore you apart in the first place.
You need to go backward before you can move forward.
3. Be empathetic with one another, and try to put yourself in each other’s shoes
Getting back with your ex can be healthy if it's for the right reasons and you have a game plan for changes you want to make moving forward.
However, just because it's healthy doesn't mean everything will be smooth sailing. It's normal to have doubts after getting back together. It's also totally normal to feel a bit awkward after getting back together. You might be worried about falling back into old patterns or repeating previous mistakes.
Being aware of each of your communication styles, love languages, and needs will help you navigate your relationship.
4. Re-build trust
When getting back with your ex it's important to remember this is not a new rosy relationship.
You're going to have to put in a lot of work and engage in honest communication. Own your mistakes, address past issues, seek counseling or relationship coaching if you feel it is necessary, and focus on the positives from your prior relationship.
"Trust is not like a light switch that you can just turn on again after it’s been turned off. It is more of a dimmer switch that grows brighter over time," explained couple counselor Nicola Beer, "However, this doesn't come with verbal reassurances alone. You must keep your word and follow through by acting on your best intentions."
5. Create new healthy habits as a couple
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There are reasons you are getting back together, something drew you to one another when you started dating and both of you have something positive to contribute to the relationship and each other's lives, as suggested by an American Psychological Association study. There are also reasons your previous relationship worked, and you can't write those off if you want to get off to a good start.
Whether the issue that broke you up was cheating, losing interest, bad timing, or something else, you broke up because you were broken, not bent. You need to take a hard look at whether or not there's enough glue in the world to repair you as a couple.
You should never get back with an ex if you broke up due to abuse of any kind. The abuser might make excuses and promises to change, but abuse breaks trust and the sense of safety you should feel in a relationship and creates an unhealthy dynamic. Some red flags just cannot be sorted out.
You may also have personal deal-breakers you need to honor by staying away. In such cases, it may be best to establish a no-contact rule.
Before you can move forward, you have to address the issues, fix the break, and regain trust.
Now, get back with that ex and what your "new" relationship has to offer!
Laurel House is an international celebrity dating and relationship coach, a dating coach on E!’s “Famously Single,” and a writer who has appeared in Oprah, Vogue, The Washington Post, and 500 other media outlets. Find out more about her new dating course, Love Actually Academy
