9 Signs You’re A Top-Tier Husband (Even If She Hasn’t Handed You A Trophy Yet)
What a responsible, mature, and loving man looks like in a relationship.
Samuel Borges Photography | Canva I am sure my wife wanted a top-tier husband, but I still have no idea what I was thinking while married to her. Who was that man who showed up during the 10 years of my marriage? I wasn’t a man, but an immature teenager in behavior and attitude. It’s not that men don’t want to grow up — we don’t know how. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what a responsible, mature, and loving man looked like in a relationship.
I believe more men would “man up” if they knew how. No one teaches us this stuff. If all we have is our parents’ relationship, we’re screwed. The non-communicative, unemotional, and practical relationship of my Indian parents’ marriage hardly applies today.
Here are 9 signs you’re a top-tier husband (even if she hasn’t handed you a trophy yet):
1. You actually listen to her
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Women want to express themselves and their emotions. They want their partner to hear them. For them, to be heard is to be seen.
If you’ve never practiced the art of listening, now is the time. By listening, I mean not responding, not butting in, or cutting her off.
Also, listening means active listening, asking questions to help her express her emotions better and to help her release what’s weighing her down, as research in Current Opinion in Psychology suggests. Listening means uninterrupted listening in which you focus only on what she’s saying. You’re not texting or reading a magazine at the same time. Listen when you’re looking at her and in her presence.
2. You open your heart to her feelings
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Yes, go there. Go to the hard conversations and say yes to the “talk.” We tend to fear these conversations because we don’t want to face blame, accusations, or emotional investment. I’ve found this a mistake, as supported by a study in The Journal of Psychology.
Manning up is getting involved emotionally. Women want us to be receptive to their feelings. For women, having an emotionally supportive man is worth more than a year’s supply of roses and chocolates. (Well, still buy the chocolate!) Once again, listen without judging. Open your heart without resisting. Let her emotion speak to your heart.
3. You're comfortable expressing your emotions
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Let emotions wash over you. Practice this in other areas of your life. It’s not something we are used to doing. We are used to running away from our emotions, suppressing our feelings, or denying our emotions. However you’re feeling with the woman in your life or other parts of your life, acknowledge and embrace those emotions.
Being comfortable with our emotions is the key to creating space for another person’s emotions. If your emotions are too much to bear, write them down, share them, and talk them out with an emotionally supportive friend.
4. You are compassionate and understanding
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Similar to how we should practice listening, be willing to extend compassion to your partner. While your mind may want to judge or condemn, try to see where your partner is coming from. Take her upbringing, her life experiences, and her view of the world into account. Strive for understanding instead of division.
Even if her language is harsh or accusatory, step past your emotional triggers and move towards understanding. What is she saying? What is her message? What does she want to convey to you?
Relationship coach Erika Jordan recommended, "When you are triggered, stop. Acknowledge the trigger, acknowledge what caused it, and then think about why it happened. Attempt to communicate to your partner while keeping in mind they didn’t intentionally trigger you, and there is a big chance your trigger is irrational."
Being compassionate takes regular practice. You have to be willing to use this skill in all parts of your life. Practice putting yourself in other people’s shoes and seeing the world from other people’s perspectives.
5. You don’t try to fix or cure her
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Listening isn’t fixing or offering a solution. We are innate fixers, but strive to listen without fixing. Keep your solutions to yourself. Ask her what the solution is — she will always know the answer.
Often, there is no solution. She is just expressing her emotions to share an important part of herself. You are not the fixer-upper. You might have thought that throughout your life, but when it comes to relationships, listening and presence are better than advice and solutions. Hold back the attempt to save the day. Ironically, you can save the day by not saying or doing anything.
6. You apologize when you mess up
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You might hate feelings and emotions. You feel weak. Ditto with apologies and saying sorry — whoever wants to be wrong and feel bad? Yet women are much better at forgiving others and value forgiveness greatly.
It’s not just empty forgiveness and flowers they want. True forgiveness is recognizing a hurt, apologizing for having caused it, and doing your best not to repeat it, as an article in the Journal of Family Theory and Review explains. If you apologize and continue to blunder, you’re not doing yourself any favors.
I will not only say sorry but also take the follow-up action to correct the situation and avoid repeating it. Saying sorry is taking responsibility, not appearing weak. Putting intention and action behind that apology is manning up.
7. You say what you feel
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Say what you feel when you’re not in listening mode. It’s your time to communicate. Holding onto emotional pressures and complicated feelings doesn’t do you any good. You’re not more of a man because you hide and suppress your emotions.
If something is bothering you, give yourself time to process it and share it in the way you know how. Don’t hide the feelings, change the feelings, or lie about the feelings. If you’re going to be vulnerable, a study in the Journal of Research in Personality suggested making sure you trust the person you’re being vulnerable with. But do share your feelings with the woman you trust and who will emotionally support you.
8. You're never petty and always take the high road
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In relationships and love, your partner will often push your buttons. It’s easy to get agitated and frustrated, and it’s easy to yell. Fighting and harsh words are natural and something we all did as teenagers. Avoiding the harsh rhetoric, getting to the root of the problem, and taking the high road, on the other hand, is a challenge. That’s manning up.
When conversing, stay out of the small and petty. Avoid negativity and criticism. Don’t go there when you want to hurt or infuriate your partner. It’s always better to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, believe she is acting in the highest good, and take the high road. Look to avoid conflict, try to reduce put-downs, and look at how to resolve the conflict so you both come out satisfied.
"Your mind is wired to find evidence for what you already believe and to reject evidence that contradicts your beliefs. Taking time to examine your negative attitudes and making an effort daily to shift to a more positive attitude will shift your experience exponentially. You don’t have to change everything all at once," advised holistic dating coaches Orma and Mathew Walters.
9. You're gentle and kind
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Don’t get caught up in power struggles or showing domination regarding your partner. As young men, we grow up in competitive environments where we must prove ourselves and put ourselves ahead of other men. It’s not the same in relationships. Your partner doesn’t think much of you when you get your way, prove your point, or win the argument. Harsh words and criticism are a turn-off and a soul-crusher.
Let’s look to uplifting the women in our lives. Let’s speak to them with gentleness and kindness. Use softer tones and deeper intentions behind your words. Don’t kill her with your words — kill her with kindness, generosity, and love.
Women don’t want us to hide. They don’t want us to shut down. They don’t wish to receive one-word answers texted to them. They don’t want hostile temperaments, temper tantrums, or silent treatment.
While I did all these things in my marriage, the breakup was so chaotic that it brought me to my senses.
Instead of dating immediately or jumping into the next relationship, I took the past few years of post-divorce life to understand myself and women better. Through friendships, listening to women, and understanding myself better, here’s what I’ve learned.
Women want us to be the men we are capable of being.
Being that man means accepting our vulnerabilities, being comfortable with emotions, and learning to communicate with them healthily.
You might feel that manning up in this way is losing your place in the world as a man. You might think of it as a weakness. I will argue that this side of manning up will make you more of the man you are.
Manning up isn’t toughening up — it’s about softening up.
You may not be the stereotypical image of a “man’s man” when you “man up” in these ways, but you will undoubtedly be your woman’s idea of a “real man.”
Vishnu Subramaniam is a writer and coach who helps people overcome breakups to rebuild their lives and live with purpose.