10 Clear Signs A Partner Is Not Your Soulmate, No Matter How Great They Are
Some relationships are high-intensity affairs, not soulmates.
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock One of the most common mistakes I’ve noticed is people tend to assume very intense, passionate relationships are a sign that someone is your soulmate. When you think of soulmates, passion is there. That passion is because it’s meant to be. But, you can also have an intense relationship that’s a total train wreck.
Here are the clear signs your partner is not your soulmate, no matter how great they are:
1. The intensity is mostly from arguing, cheating, or abuse
Traumatic bonding is a thing, people, and it often happens during abusive relationships. With traumatic bonding, you’re passionately attached to a person who is terrible for you because your brain is hooked on the “love chemicals” your body produced during the courtship phase.
Psychologist Tarra Bates-Duford explained, "While the idea of bonding tends to bring up implications of something good and beneficial, trauma bonds are both unhealthy and dysfunctional. A trauma bond is a term used to describe how the 'misuse of fear, excitement, and intimate feelings' can be used to trap or entangle another person. Thus, trauma bonds occur when you go through periods of intense love and excitement with a person followed by periods of abuse, neglect, and mistreatment."
If you find yourself crying too often or wondering why they can’t be nice like before, they are not your soulmate. They are an abuser who has high-intensity outbursts.
2. People often tell you the two of you shouldn’t be together
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If your friends have sat you down, pleaded with you to forget your partner, and straight up said that you need to dump them, you might want to listen. People only do this when they’re scared of the grip someone has on them and when they feel like they may be putting themselves in danger.
3. You have little to nothing in common
You have no common goals. You don’t value the same thing. You hate their favorite TV shows. Soulmates have something in common aside from physical intimacy. So, if this is true for you, they are not your soulmate.
4. The passion is one-sided
If you’re the only one of the two of you showing that passion, they are not your soulmate. You’re just obsessed with them and wasting energy. For your own sake, stop it!
"A healthy, fun relationship feels good and flows easily," advised life coach JoLynn Braley. "It's the same easy feeling you have with your body and mind once you've healed the inner root that drives your unhealthy emotional behaviors today. There's no reason to obsess or overwork a relationship when it's healthy but to attract your ideal [partner] for that type of relationship, you first must be your ideal you, in mind, body, and spirit."
5. The qualities you love about them are superficial
“They are my soulmate because they have a Lamborghini and inherited a large endowment,” said no one ever. Soulmates have a deeper connection than things you’d find in a typical music video, so if you can’t come up with anything you like about their personality, it’s just an intense lust you’re feeling.
6. You know you couldn’t make a long-term relationship work
You’re not soulmates if you two can’t agree on the most basic things you need as far as long-term relationship goals go. For example, if you can’t stand kids and they want them desperately, it’s not meant to be.
Your “one” will want to be child-free, just like you. When “no compromise” factors clash, it’s clear a relationship won’t work without one of you being miserable.
7. The relationship is abusive
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If they hit you, publicly humiliated you, or got you fired intentionally, they are not your soulmate. They are an abuser, and you need to bail.
"Even if it was never physical abuse or violence your abuser used against you, abuse can take many shapes and forms. A healthy relationship shouldn't make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells or be in constant fear every time your partner walks through the door," asserted relationship coach Wendy Kay.
8. One partner constantly pressures the other
Intense relationships can be intense because of the pressure that one partner may exert on the other. If they are constantly criticizing how you look, what you say, and what you do, it’s probably not meant to be.
A soulmate will inspire you to better yourself but will do it in a way that makes you happy with yourself. Similarly, don’t call them a soulmate if you’re aggressively determined to make them change to suit your needs or lifestyle.
Therapist Gloria Breame explained the dynamics of trying to change your partner, "You cannot help someone to change if they aren't committed to making change. It's a partnership and they are 50% of the equation in successfully evolving to a better place in their lives."
9. It’s a continuous uphill battle
Not a good sign at all. Healthy relationships rarely ever involve uphill battles, especially when it comes to commitment, as explored in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. If you’re struggling to get them to close the deal and buy a ring, they are not the one for you.
10. The relationship just feels wrong on so many levels
Maybe they don’t really “get you,” or maybe it’s the sinking feeling you’re getting. Whatever it is, a good relationship won’t give you those bad vibes. If it doesn’t feel right, they are not your soulmate, no matter what they may say.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.