9 Subtle Signs Of A Couple Who Is Just Going Through The Motions, According To Experts
If these signals sound familiar, a couple is likely half-hearted about their relationship.
Moijtaba Mosaye | Unsplash Going through the motions in a relationship can signify that the connection and investment between partners has dwindled. It often manifests in routines without passion or effort, leaving both individuals feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.
Honest conversations with your partner about the state of your relationship can help you understand each other’s needs and desires. It is important to acknowledge the truth, even if it is hard to admit and express it openly. But how do you know where to start — or if you, yourself, are part of a couple who is just going through the motions?
Here are the signs of a couple who is just going through the motions, according to experts:
1. You don’t communicate
The number one thing that continues to be a marriage counseling red flag is communication. If you find yourself unable or unwilling to communicate with your spouse, if you’re hiding things from them (financial worries, a firing), or if you just don’t feel the desire to open up and talk, then you should head to counseling ASAP.
“There are numerous reasons for couples to lessen or cease speaking to one another — fear, anger, depression — and these are all good reasons for the couple to seek help,” says Melissa Fecak, a divorce attorney based in New Jersey. “Communication is key in keeping a marriage together.”
Similarly, if you find that little conversations blow up into massive arguments, then you should see a counselor.
“Couples often report feeling blindsided by how their communication can go from 0 to 100 so quickly,” says Tracy K. Ross, a licensed clinical social worker. “They don’t know how they get to this volatile place and don’t know how to navigate their way back.”
2. You can’t resolve arguments
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If you find yourselves having the same arguments, then there’s something larger that isn’t being dealt with. “It’s difficult or impossible to repair after you fight so you just brush it under the rug but it never actually feels resolved,” explains Ross. “You have a recurring issue that follows a cycle but leaves you both feeling unheard.”
Through counseling, you both can get to the core of what is making you feel hurt or frustrated and resolve that, as opposed to having the same fights over and over again.
3. You never touch
Lack of touch means a lack of intimacy or connection, which can continue outside the bedroom into other facets of your married life. This is a touchy subject for many couples, Ross notes, which often leads to it getting ignored, which then creates more problems.
She says to be on the lookout for issues with your love life that have always been there, specifically that one or both of you are unhappy with your intimate life, but there’s a lingering fear that if you bring it up you’ll only make it worse.
4. You aren't on the same page about how to parent
This is quite common in any parenting situation. One parent is the good cop, the other is the de facto disciplinarian. If this is discussed and agreed upon, that’s fine. A big problem occurs when it’s not.
In time, resentments can fester — especially if the frustrations are not acknowledged or discussed. “When you avoid talking about it or, even worse, you undermine each other thinking your way is best for the child,” says Ross.
5. You are disconnected
When it feels as though you and your spouse are just going through the motions of living together, paying the bills, doing the chores, and taking care of the kids, rather than actually connecting and working on your lives together, that’s a sign that things need to change.
Sometimes, that sense of disconnection can be so pervasive that you both can feel alone and isolated even when you’re together.
“Feeling alone with your mate indicates the loss of warmth and togetherness often found in good marriages,” says Dr. Gail Gross, a nationally recognized family and child development expert, author, and lecturer. “There is nothing as lonely as being alone in a marriage.”
6. You fight dirty
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Even the healthiest marriages have disagreements. Those disagreements even turn into full-blown fights at times.
But, if you hit below the belt during an argument, or fall back on using remarks that are designed to hurt, as opposed to constructive comments that address the problem, that’s a sign that the marriage is in trouble.
According to Gross, “Phrases such as, ‘I hate you,’ ‘pack your bags,’ ‘I never want to see you again,’ or ‘I want a divorce,’ can force you into a situation from which there is no return.”
7. You hold grudges
In a marriage, you have to let things go. You’re not always going to agree, you’re not always going to get along, and inevitably, one of you is going to make the other one mad.
The key is, when that happens, to be able to let it go. If you hold on to resentments or harbor bad feelings, they will infect every other aspect of how you and your spouse relate to each other.
If you’re harboring grudges, then it’s time to get help.
“This failure to resolve or to forgive needs to be worked out,” says Marin County-based marriage and family therapist Jacob Brown, “or it can inhibit any communication and affection between the partners.”
8. You fantasize about leaving
Okay, let’s be honest. In the wake of a particularly frustrating argument, we’ve all thought about just packing up and splitting town. But, once the anger has passed, those thoughts dissipate, and you and your spouse move on with your lives.
However, when those feelings begin to become more persistent, and you start imagining life as a single person, or with another partner, it’s a sign that you’ve checked out of this relationship.
“If one of the partners is thinking about [leaving] regularly,” says Brown, “checking apartment listings, going online to search for information on divorce, this represents a significant problem.”
9. You don't have the same vision about the future
This might represent the rock-bottom moment in a marriage that needs counseling. When you look ahead to your future, do you imagine sharing it with your spouse?
Can you see yourself growing old with this person and living with them every day? If not, then you need to ask yourself what has changed and why.
“If you can no longer visualize a life together filled with happiness and optimism,” says Gross, “your marriage can’t be happy.”
Jeremy Brown is a writer and editor. His writing has appeared in many magazines, websites, and newspapers around the world and he has authored special issues for TV Guide and the Discovery Channel, among more.