Psychology Says Couples Who Stay Together Never Ignore These 3 High-Risk Complaints From Their Partner
Never ignore these gripes if they're coming directly from your partner.
Danik Prihodko | Canva One of the most common clues that a couple is about to break up is when one partner stops complaining about something that matters to them because their previous complaints about it have been ignored.
They might stop complaining, but because the issue remains, they continue to accumulate resentments and/or drift emotionally until the relationship is in full crisis. To be clear, few ignored complaints are important or meaningful enough to cause a breakup, but some are.
In more than twenty years of working with couples, I’ve identified three kinds of what I call "high-risk complaints" — ones that are most likely to cause relationship erosion if they are habitually ignored.
People who want to stay together never ignore these three high-risk complaints from their partner:
1. Complaints about intimacy
Complaints about not having enough intimacy or feeling unsatisfied with their current love lives are very common in relationships and are typically voiced many times in one form or another (some subtle, some more overt).
When the other partner makes only minor and short-lived efforts or, more commonly, responds with excuses, dismissiveness, or minimizing, it can cause a real emotional wound because of the nature and frequency of the rejection it causes.
Every night going to bed with nothing happening will feel like a stinging rejection, one that impacts mood and self-esteem, as well as other aspects of emotional health. In order to protect their feelings and self-esteem, they are likely to withdraw emotionally, and over time, the emotional gulf that gets created becomes impossible to reverse.
Frustrations regarding intimacy can lead to a range of adverse effects, including increased stress, anxiety, depression, irritability, difficulty concentrating, lowered self-esteem, relationship conflicts, and, in some cases, even aggression, mainly when the frustration is prolonged or unaddressed. A 2021 study published in the Journal of Criminal Justice found that unmet intimacy needs can result in feelings of loneliness, isolation, insecurity, and a sense of being unloved, contributing to negative emotions like sadness, anger, and frustration.
What to do instead of ignoring the problem: When your partner voices intimate frustrations or concerns, take them seriously. Discuss them honestly, work on finding mutually satisfying resolutions, follow up, deliver on promises, and if you’re stuck, get educated. There is lots of information out there about this issue.
And remember, if your partner used to voice intimate complaints and stopped, it by no means guarantees they are no longer upset about it or affected by it. They probably are.
2. Complaints about in-laws
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Marriage involves the formation of a new family unit (even if there are no children) that becomes a priority in terms of loyalties and obligations.
When in-laws create conflict (e.g., the in-law has an overtly hostile or critical attitude; ignores and shuns; or disrespects boundaries, for example, by ignoring requests to check before unscheduled drop-ins), it is up to the other partner to set limits with his or her parents. Not doing so and ignoring the complaint or minimizing it erodes feelings of loyalty and safety, and can lead to an early breakup or a tense and unsatisfactory marriage.
What to do instead of ignoring the problem: As difficult as it is to set limits with parents who might feel offended or betrayed by such actions if the boundaries are reasonable and clear, most in-laws learn to respect them in time.
Keep in mind that they are likely to test the boundaries first, so it is important to address any violations and reinforce the stated expectations. The most effective way to do this is to respond to the very first violation (testing of the limits), as failing to do so will make the boundary violations and clashes continue.
3. Complaints about technology use
Our phones and tablets are doorways to the world, but in relationships, they function more like walls than doors.
Studies found that higher levels of technoference were associated with greater relationship conflict and lower relationship satisfaction, as well as depressive symptoms and lower life satisfaction.
What to do instead of ignoring the problem: Create device-free times (e.g., during dinner or after 9 p.m.) and zones (e.g., the bedroom or restaurants).
When our partner voices a concern, we should always listen and take it seriously, especially when it involves a complaint in the high-risk category. Responding calmly and fairly isn’t always easy, but it will increase both relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Guy Winch is a distinguished psychologist and acclaimed author. His work has been featured in The New York Times and Psychology Today.