7 Selfish Reasons To Choose Monogamy, Even When Other Options Are Available
Monogamous people deserve just as much joy as everyone else.
PeopleImages.com by Yuri A via Shutterstock In my common law marriage of more than two decades, I have not cheated. As far as I know, she hasn’t either. It seems clear we will live our lives together.
We work on the relationship and it has gotten better with each passing year. I feel lucky to have such an amazing partner and proud of what we have survived and how, as a couple, we have thrived. One big surprise? How well monogamy has served me in my life. Some men may find this surprising, thinking more partners equals more happines, but here are the reasons why.
Seven selfish reasons I choose to be monogamous
1. Monogamy can keep life simple
If you want drama, have an affair. For the life of me, I don’t know why people don’t break up before the affair. Saves so much pain and sorrow.
Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but when an affair happens, life can get seriously crazy. I have seen kids kidnapped, visitation rights ignored, cars destroyed, and people assaulted. Most of this could have been avoided if there had been no affair.
(Actually, I do know several reasons people have an affair and don’t tell their partner. We will leave that for another article. Please send me your reasons.)
2. Monogamy can be safer
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Yup, having physical relations with only your partner pretty much eliminates the possibility of contracting a virus or other germ. You would be surprised how many people don’t practice the basic practices we all learned in Health class as teens!
3. Monogamy can promote health
Stress is brutal on your physical and mental health and the stress of keeping secrets like cheating is unhealthy for both you and your partner. The offending party takes a hit on their self-esteem and the offended often sense something is wrong but are met with denials when they question their partner, which makes the offended party doubt reality.
Doubting your reality can be caused by gaslighting, which a 2019 study argued "should be understood as rooted in social inequalities, including gender, and executed in power-laden intimate relationships. When you have enough stress from being gaslit, hiding infidelity, or managing multiple intimate relationships, your body takes a hit. Not so much fun.
4. Monogamy is an incentive to cultivate deeper intimacy
It may not be a guarantee, as you could just let the physically intimate aspects of your relationship fade away, but if your desire is intact, there will be an urgency to find a solution.
My partner and I have had to deal with huge stressors because of illness, finances, career change, moving, and personal change. These experiences affected our intimate connection and we had to evolve to stay involved.
The good news is we are closer emotionally and intimately today than we have ever been. This is due in part because we have focused on our relationship without the distraction of an affair.
5. Monogamy can help promote fairness
I don’t like sharing either, my wife that is. Call me old-fashioned but I just don’t like the idea of my wife making out with another person. It only seems fair that if I want my wife to be faithful, I should do the same.
A 2003 study on the benefits and doubts of monogamy explained that "Like most mammals, humans are not strictly monogamic. A tendency to social monogamy has evolved, however, and is subject to strong reinforcement by cultural factors, particularly religion. As a result, in a number of cultures, monogamy is the predominant mating system."
6. Monogamy can be sacred
In today’s world, much of what we do is on public display. I am highly engaged with my clients, friends, and business associates. Social media is a medium that keeps me connected personally and promotes my business.
My intimate relationship with my wife is something special that only we share. It is not just the act of intimacy. We have had relationships and been with other people before we met.
Yet, the people we are today, our shared history, and the unique combination of our personalities are unprecedented. Much like fingerprints, there is no other relationship like ours. Not now, not ever.
Kinda cool when you think about it.
7. Monogamy can show respect
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I respect myself enough to keep to my ideals and commitment. I respect her enough to value her commitment, her word, her dream, her vision, and her faithfulness.
I do myself and my partner a disservice when I break my oath. An oath I made to myself, her, and when married, to the community.
Counselor Elisabeth LaMotte advised, "A monogamous relationship is the right move for many, but not for everyone. The decision to be exclusive should be made when both partners are ready for it. If you want a monogamous relationship, take things at a reasonable pace!"
Well before I met my current partner and decided on long-term monogamy, I was in a long-term relationship and left when my partner wanted an open relationship. Been there and done that in an earlier relationship and was not interested in repeating the experience. For me, it was not based in respect.
Yes, we are human and make mistakes. Sometimes they are not mistakes but deliberate actions to get us out of situations we believe we cannot leave without an incident, such as an affair.
These things happen all the time. I see it in my practice every day and it grieves me to hear and see all the pain that happens when people don’t communicate how they are feeling about life, the relationship, and about themselves.
And that is why I choose monogamy.
Steven Lake is an author, speaker, and relationship coach.
