7 Core Reasons You're Still Single Even Though You're A Catch, According To Psychology
It doesn’t mean that you are broken. It just means that you need a new approach to love.
stockfour | Canva Do you know being cynical can keep you from finding love? Do you even know how to stop being cynical, so you can give your love life the boost you so desperately crave?
It’s been said that inside every cynical person is a disappointed romantic. It’s okay to be suspect if you have reason to be, but what if that cynicism — and other core factors — are keeping you single?
Here are seven reasons you're single, even though you're a catch:
1. You're closed off to new experiences
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As a cynic, you’ll be less likely to meet new people because you’re not open to new experiences. Meeting new people is essential in the dating process, and sometimes just breaking out of your routine is required. When you’re cynical, you find yourself saying “no” to new experiences.
Why go to that party if you’re not going to meet anyone worth talking to? You better avoid online dating and dating apps; they’re full of fake people and scammers.
It’s better to just stay home and binge another TV show. That way, if you’re disappointed with the show, you can stop watching at any time and find something else interesting.
If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. If lasting love has eluded you thus far, staying open to new experiences is essential.
It will take effort to break out of your old patterns. The key is to take a risk but keep your expectations simple. You’re not going to meet your soulmate the first week you download a dating app. It’s going to take time. If you don’t want to spend your life as a cynical person lonely and alone, then the effort is worth it.
Research by the National Institute of Mental Health suggests that avoiding new experiences is often driven by a fear of the unknown, leading to feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. This is particularly heightened when potential adverse outcomes are perceived, causing individuals to prioritize staying within their comfort zone to avoid possible risks, a behavior rooted in evolutionary psychology where uncertainty could signify danger.
2. You're jaded against potential partners
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Do you ever find yourself making blanket statements about men, as if all men were basically the same? Maybe you spend time with your friends sharing your dating horror stories, convincing each other that it's all a waste of time.
A cynical person is suspicious and jaded. If you think all men will cheat, or the good ones are all taken, or that men only want a physical relationship, you’ll create a self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps you single.
Don’t judge a whole gender just because you’ve met a few crappy people. A good partner is not a unicorn, so stop expecting that you have to meet a mythical creature to find love. Focus on the positive qualities of the people you meet.
You should never excuse bad behavior or give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Approach dating with an open heart and an open mind, curious to meet a new person. Keep your expectations in check and allow yourself to get to know this new person.
A philosophical analysis published by Philosophical Studies suggests that jadedness arises from a combination of factors, including repeated negative experiences, unmet expectations, disillusionment, and a tendency to interpret situations cynically, often leading to a pervasive sense of negativity and disengagement from previously enjoyable activities stemming from a protective mechanism to shield oneself from further emotional pain.
3. You can never be satisfied
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When it comes to romantic love, you want to feel that deep connection to another person. The cynic is incapable of this experience because they can never be satisfied.
If you have a list of criteria no one can attain, you won't find anyone worth dating. Finding fault with every person you go out with is an excellent strategy for never having to risk your heart.
Just because a man hasn’t read the same personal growth books as you or isn’t interested in yoga, doesn’t mean that he’s not a good man looking to improve himself.
You’re looking for a man you're attracted to who shares your values. Someone willing to do what it takes to make a relationship work. There are plenty of people who fit this description. Let your guard down, so you can meet them.
4. You're too focused on what you don't want
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You can’t create the opposite of what you don’t want. Manifesting 101 teaches that you have to get clear on what you really want and what inspires you.
If you're feeling cynical about love, it will be difficult to know what inspires you. Knowing what you don’t want keeps your focus on the negative and will only draw in more of what you dislike.
Certainly, you want to avoid dating addicts or narcissists, and probably should know the warning signs if this is an issue for you. Putting your focus on the type of men you want to avoid only lets you see what you don't want.
Your subconscious mind is good at recognizing and avoiding danger for your survival. If you wish to thrive in life, you cannot keep your focus on what you wish to avoid.
Think about the people you know who are always focused on the negative. Are they happy? Are they successful? Success in life and love requires that you focus on what inspires you and on what brings you joy.
2024 research found that focusing on what you don't want in a partner is primarily driven by negativity bias, where people tend to weigh negative information more heavily than positive information, making them more likely to fixate on potential flaws or undesirable traits in a potential partner, even if they are minor compared to positive qualities.
5. You push away positive people and experiences
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Openness and curiosity are attractive qualities. When you're feeling cynical, you aren’t open or curious. Instead, you’re stuck in judgment and come across as a skeptical person.
You can't enjoy yourself when you are stuck in judgment. And you’re certainly not very fun to be around. The truth is all judgment is self-judgment. And when you are cynical about love, you’re really judging your inability to make love last.
Open to compassion for yourself and the fact that you’ve had disappointments in love. Allow yourself to grieve the past and learn to let it go.
Embrace a little positivity. Look for the good that exists around you. Put your focus on happy couples, so you can rekindle your hope. Allow their love to be proof for you that love is possible for you, too.
6. You aren't sincere
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Sarcasm is the language of cynics — and sincerity is the language of lovers. Sarcasm and joking allow you to speak your truth while hiding under the cover of a “joke” when your truth is rejected.
Intimacy requires sincerity and authenticity. That is how you connect to another human being.
When you're being sarcastic, you can't connect with others. You won’t feel seen or understood. Instead, you’ll set yourself apart from others and feel even more disconnected.
To feel seen, understood, and ultimately accepted by another person, you’ll need to speak your authentic truth. When you're authentic and that person responds in kind, you’ve created a true connection. This is the real intimacy that the romantic in you desires, and there's no better feeling in life.
According to the Canadian Journal of Experimental Psychology, sarcasm is a conversational implicature in which speakers use context and nonverbal cues to communicate an intended meaning beyond the words themselves. When you take the sarcastic pathway to communication, you risk seeming impolite and offending your conversation partner, even if it is the person closest to you.
7. You're trying too hard to protect your heart
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Ultimately, cynicism is a strategy for protecting yourself from further hurt. You’re attempting to cover the disappointment that things haven’t worked out the way you wanted.
And while your heart may be protected from feeling any further disappointment, you are also preventing yourself from experiencing love and connection with another person.
Love requires that you open your heart and take a risk. You may experience more disappointments on your journey to love, but these are temporary.
Just because it hasn’t worked out for you, doesn’t mean that you are broken or that love isn’t meant to be for you. It just means that you need a new approach to love.
Research from the University of Cologne indicates that cynicism can function as a defense mechanism by allowing individuals to protect themselves from disappointment, hurt, and potential betrayal by adopting a distrustful view of others and their motives, creating a barrier against emotional vulnerability, and maintaining a sense of control in uncertain situations. This can be particularly prevalent when someone has experienced repeated negative experiences or feels powerless to change their circumstances.
If you’re a disappointed romantic, you may find it difficult to reconcile your own desire to share your life with someone alongside the experiences you’ve had that broke your heart.
It’s time to take a look at how your self-fulfilling prophecy is keeping you from the one thing you desire most of all — someone to share your life with.
Orna and Matthew Walters have been soulmate coaches for over a decade and helped thousands of readers create long-lasting love.