If A Man Brings Up These 3 Topics Too Soon, Psychology Says To Proceed Very Carefully
Is he just nervous or secretly being manipulative?
Shlomi Glantz | Unsplash Men and women who overshare early in dating may do it out of anxiety. They may be anxious about many different things, but they are anxious nonetheless. Your date may feel anxious about whether you will be attracted to them, whether you will think they are successful enough, whether you think they are interesting enough, and so on. Even though they may not seem anxious when you are with them, trust me: they are anxious under the surface.
Most men and women who overshare are aware that they are getting deep quickly, but they want to seal the deal with you and they do this by forcing emotional intimacy that really shouldn’t be there early in a relationship. They try to concretize a connection with you, and they believe that revealing a lot very early will make you want to get closer to them and will make your connection or relationship stronger.
In essence, you can probably read between the lines and guess what my ultimate position on the issue is. If you start dating someone and they overshare in the first couple weeks of the relationship, you should probably move on and look for someone who uses more caution and better emotional judgment.
If a man brings up these topics too soon, psychology says to proceed very carefully:
1. Oversharing about past relationships
Early in dating, you should reveal very little about your past relationships. Sharing details about what your ex did or why the relationship ended is way too much, too soon. People who overshare about an ex or exes come across as defensive, critical, or angry. Most of all, they come across as if they’re still hung up on or preoccupied with that situation.
Research suggests caution is warranted when encountering men who overshare about their past relationships, as it can signal potential issues like unresolved emotional baggage, a lack of boundary awareness, or even manipulative tendencies. It's crucial for women to be aware of these potential pitfalls and to set healthy boundaries in such situations.
When you start a relationship, you want to feel like you and the person you’re with are starting fresh. Oversharing about an ex smears the past all over the present.
2. Oversharing about finances
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Sharing too many details about how much money you earn or have in the bank should be avoided early in dating. Sharing details about the kind of car you drive, the house you have, or vacations you take should be avoided, too.
Caution is warranted when men overshare about their finances, as it can signify insecurity, manipulation, or a need for validation. Oversharing may be a way to project a particular image, control the relationship, or make someone feel inadequate. Research has found that it's essential to consider the context, timing, and nature of the information shared to determine if it's a genuine connection or a manipulative tactic.
When healthy men and women go on a date, they don’t want to feel like they are with someone who feels the need to prove their financial situation. If you stay together, there is plenty of time to get to know each other’s financial circumstances. Focus on emotionally connecting instead.
3. Oversharing about the personal lives of close friends or family members
Oversharing the details of someone else’s life — someone who is close to you and whom your date could potentially meet in the future — shows poor boundaries and a lack of respect for the privacy of that individual.
If the two of you commit to a serious relationship, there will be plenty of opportunities to talk about your friends and family members. Rushing things and revealing information that is not your own comes across as gossipy and critical, and healthy individuals won’t feel comfortable listening to such private details.
This can be a sign of manipulation or boundary violations. A 2019 study suggested that oversharing can be used to gain sympathy, manipulate others into sharing their details, or indicate a lack of empathy and respect for privacy.
Most of all, if you overshare about someone else early in the relationship, your date will understandably wonder, what would he say about me when I’m not here? Part of being an adult involves having good boundaries and knowing when the right time is to get extremely personal.
The takeaway: On a date, it should only feel like there are two people in the room: the two of you! If you spend time talking about other people on your dates, you’re not doing what you should be: focusing on getting to know each other better. Remember, if it works out between the two of you, you will have many years ahead to get acquainted with everyone in your date’s life.
Dr. Seth Meyers is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and TV guest expert. He treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He is the author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
