The Subtle Red Flag I Nearly Missed On A First Date With A Narcissist
I made excuses for him.
Mikhail Nilov | Canva I’d like to blame it on being nineteen and young and dumb. But the real reason I missed our first date red flag was that I tended to make excuses for people. Combine that with covert narcissism and the warning was less obvious. I was in school in Scranton, Pennsylvania when I met my husband.
We had a chance meeting at a college kegger and for the next month, he seemed to pop up everywhere I went. I had no interest in him which makes my tolerance of his first date screw-up even more baffling. I said yes because he made me laugh and he wouldn’t relent.
Enter the subtle first date red flag: I got dressed to go out and I waited to hear from him, but nothing, not a word.
Now, this guy had chased me for a month and tracked down my number through other people. You see when I finally succumbed and said yes, he followed me outside the bar to get my phone number. But after swearing to memorize it, a few Genesee Brews got in the way.
He ends up calling my old freshman dorm number and unbelievably, the girls call another 'Colleen' to the phone. Eventually, she realizes the mistake and gives him my new number.
He’d gone to a lot of effort to get me to say yes. But yet I sat in my apartment waiting for the phone to ring. I was irritated and angry. Finally, at a little past eleven, he calls and asks me to meet him at a party.
This is his version of asking a girl out. Invite her to that night’s college kegger. He is seriously clueless. He has no idea what he has done is rude, offensive, and not how you treat a woman.
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I told him I wouldn’t be meeting him. I know what you’re thinking, why did I ever agree to a second date?
Even now, when my roommate and I discuss it, we both believe he was just a young dumb college boy. He was too nice to believe otherwise. He was the farthest thing from a rogue player. We were sort of boys will be boys and all that ridiculous thinking.
And here’s the thing. Narcissism is hard to spot, covert narcissism is nearly impossible. According to statistics, roughly 6% of the American population are narcissists.
They don’t present as arrogant difficult individuals. Their passive-aggressive form of control makes them appear laid back and almost innocent. A super easygoing charmer.
They are not as obvious as the covert narcissist. I had no clue I was attaching myself to one. But here’s where I went wrong, narcissist or no narcissist. Red flags don’t have to be extraordinary they can be ordinary. Even if I wanted to make excuses for my husband and rationalize he was too nice a guy to have sinister intentions, I shouldn’t have.
Even if all the other factors made it appear he was clueless, not disrespectful. I should have walked away the first time someone didn’t treat me in the manner I deserved. Instead of mistakenly believing a boundary was saying no to that particular date.
It’s funny, we eat at restaurants and don’t enjoy the experience so we don’t go back. We try hiking or yoga and decide it’s not for us. But when it comes to actual human beings, we will give them chance after chance.
Red flags don’t have to be massive. They can seem innocent especially when we tend to make excuses for the bad behavior of others. But the truth is, it might not have been harshly extraordinary, but I knew something wasn’t right. Hence, why I sought to make excuses for him. (What are some examples of red flags according to research? Some include being rude, apathetic, and constantly late.)
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Yet underneath that handsome frat boy exterior lurked a narcissist.
He wasn’t oblivious. He was selfish and in his own world. That’s why he hadn’t thought to call me until the party was in full swing. Even more alarming? The narcissist had begged for me to share a night in his world — and still forgot about me.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national relationship columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes bout love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.