11 Phrases A Narcissist Would Say To Their Partner If They Were Actually Being Honest
You might not want to know what your narcissistic partner really thinks of you, but you probably should.
Just dance / Shutterstock One of the most damaging aspects of a narcissist is their unbelievable talent for lying. As masters of twisting the truth, these individuals will truly have their partners believing they have only the purest intentions. Unfortunately for their partners, this is all an act, as narcissists don't feel empathy, let alone care about anyone outside of their own selfish desires.
One can't help but wonder what a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest. Would they truly admit to never loving or caring for their partner? Though their partner will likely never get the answers that they seek, there are some common things a narcissist would have said to their partner if they were upfront with them from the beginning.
These are 11 phrases a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest
1. 'I don't love you, I love controlling you'
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The first phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I don't love you, I love controlling you." The first thing people should know about narcissists is that they'll always put themselves first. As a result, it's hard for any narcissist to love anyone themselves.
Ericksonian hypnotherapist Elinor Greenberg Ph.D. explained, "They are not in love with the real you. They have fallen in love with their own carefully constructed fantasy about you."
2. 'I only care when it's convenient for me'
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There's probably no worse feeling than feeling used by someone. From friends who only use people when they're feeling down to coworkers who abuse their hard work ethic and use it to their advantage, nobody likes to feel taken advantage of. Unfortunately, narcissists are masters at using others.
Now, they'll never outright say, "Look at me, I don't truly care about you." However, deep down inside most people know when someone else is using them. From the sweet words they utter to the transition of, "So, I need a favor," people can tell when their loved one is being insincere.
So, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I only care when it's convenient to me." Let's face it: narcissists don't care. Marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT said it perfectly, writing, "Grandiose narcissists sacrifice getting along to get ahead, while partners of narcissists sacrifice themselves to get along."
Though it might be hard for people to tell when they're being manipulated, there is one thing everyone should know: a narcissist's demands are never-ending. So, if a partner is hoping that their narcissistic partner will ever change, know that only caring when it's convenient will always be a behavior they'll revert back to because, in actuality, that's all they ever wanted from others in the first place.
3. 'I don't want to heal you. I need you to stay broken'
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In a healthy relationship, both partners only want one another to be happy and healthy. As a result, they'll encourage one another towards therapy or other healthy outlets. That said, narcissists thrive when their partner is utterly dependent on them. Because of this, narcissists don't aim for their partner to heal or thrive in life. No, they want them to stay where they are — completely broken. So, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I don't want to heal you. I need you to stay broken forever."
Healing in a relationship with a narcissist is nearly impossible. Even the most confident person can be crumbled to ashes with their hurtful words and manipulative tactics.
Psychotherapist Carol A. Lambert, MSW stated, "They can be antagonistic in their interactions with or without provocation. They show no genuine sensitivity or empathy for the other."
Yet, most of their partners wouldn't notice this. She explained narcissist's love to lovebomb in order to get people to fall and stay in love. This leads to complete confusion, causing their partner to never heal and perhaps even get worse.
4. 'I don't need to change; you do'
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Everyone has bad habits. Some might emotionally shut down when being confronted by their partner. Others might have a horrible way of expressing themselves, causing their partner to feel frustrated or ignored. Still, If someone truly adores someone then they'll be willing to change for the better.
Changing behavior is far from easy. Many people will continue to experience failure after failure before they ever succeed. However, as long as they're actively trying to change and hold themselves accountable, even the worst behaviors can be corrected with consistency. A study published in 2012 noted that working on a behavior for two to three months is the best way to make a behavior feel like second nature.
That said, narcissists don't want to change. Content with their own ways, a narcissist will demand that their partner plays by their rules and changes because everything needs to go their way. But, if a narcissist were to be honest, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I don't need to change; you do."
5. 'I'll blame you for everything because I don't want to take accountability'
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Nobody likes to take accountability. According to Professor Tyler G Okimoto Ph.D., taking accountability actually damages people's self-esteem, which is why most people would prefer to avoid it at all costs. But still, there will always be a moment or a time when taking accountability is a must.
When hurting a friend or most importantly, a partner, people must suck up their pride and apologize sincerely. That being said, narcissists could care less about other people's feelings as a result of their uncaring nature, causing them to avoid accountability at all costs.
After all, despite their pretend confidence, most narcissists are very insecure. As a result, things like shame can make a narcissist feel even more insecure, causing them to place blame on others, explained Lancer.
So, if someone is dating a narcissist, then a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I'll blame you for everything because I don't want to take accountability."
But since a narcissist will never be honest, trust that someone who never owns up and takes accountability is not worth your time. Not only will they never change, but they might just ruin your confidence and self-esteem for their own benefit.
6. 'You're lucky I'm with you'
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The next phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "You should be lucky I'm with you." Narcissists aren't called narcissists for no reason. Coming from an ancient Greek myth, the word narcissist is derived from Narcissus, a man who fell in love with his own reflection.
So, most people shouldn't be all that shocked that a narcissist would think highly of themselves. So deranged from reality, most of these individuals can't fathom their partner doing any better, causing them to secretly think these thoughts. That said, there's a difference between someone who's a narcissist and someone who's just full of themselves.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Lancer, "To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the person must exhibit grandiosity (if only in fantasy) and lack of empathy."
As a result, it's unsurprising that narcissist thinks the way they do — not only do they believe in their own self-importance, but they cannot understand others as a whole, causing them to essentially dehumanize them and view them as lesser than themselves.
7. 'I don't respect you, but I need you to believe I do'
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Narcissists display a blatant disrespect for others. Truly believing that basic respect and kindness are something earned, not given, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I don't respect you, but I need you to believe I do."
Despite a narcissist's need to feel respected, they truly don't care if others receive that same respect back. According to a study published in 2021, romantic partners who want to maintain a grandiose perception of themselves through disparaging others are increasingly more likely to disrespect their partner.
With this in mind, it's unsurprising that narcissists don't care to respect their partner in the first place. Even if their words promise better behavior, the truth of the matter is that narcissists will only ever change if it benefits them and them only.
8. 'I'll only ever do what I want, and you'll just have to deal with it'
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When someone truly loves someone, they're more than willing to put aside their pride in favor of seeing the relationship thrive. Now, is this always easy to do? Absolutely not, most people would much prefer to give into their own selfish desires and ignore the desires of those around them. After all, to sacrifice means to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. But when someone loves their partner, this discomfort is more than worth it.
On the flip side, a narcissist doesn't want to sacrifice. As a result of their selfish nature, narcissists would much prefer to gaslight their partner than cater to their partner's needs. So, if a narcissist could be honest, a phrase a narcissist would say is, "I'll only ever do what I want, and you'll just have to deal with it."
Knowing that this is what's going through their mind can hurt. As much as people say they are quick to cut others off, the narcissist is one of the most captivating and charming people most would ever meet. Still, staying with someone this selfish will only cause their partners to grow resentful, which according to the Gottman Institute, resentment is classified under contempt, which is the number one predictor of divorce.
9. 'I will never change, but I’ll make you believe I can'
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If there's one thing a narcissist will always convince their partner of, it's that they have a good side to them that's worth clinging onto. Being a master at flipping from nice to unpleasant, these narcissists will have everyone convinced that they can in fact change. Unfortunately, this is a lie.
And if a narcissist were being honest, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I will never change, but I'll make you believe I can." It's sad, but narcissist depends on their partner's emotional dependency to convince them that they're worth saving.
With fake sincerity in their eyes, they'll swear up and down that they're trying and use questionable examples to solidify their argument. If their partner can see through their manipulation, then they'll know that they're being gaslighted. But if they can't, then this toxic relationship will continue, causing irreversible damage in the long run.
10. 'I'm only staying with you because it benefits me'
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Has anyone ever been introduced to a couple only to think to themselves, "Why are they even together?" Well, in the eyes of a narcissist, there are plenty of reasons that they stay in relationships that have little to do with love. From feeling in control to having financial control over someone, narcissists don't need to stay in a relationship because they're in love.
So, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I'm only staying with you because it benefits me." Of course, a narcissist would never say this outright. Knowing how bad it can look on them, a narcissist would much prefer to play pretend.
Yet, if there's one thing a narcissist can't hide, it's their obvious behavior. From the way that they smirk to the way they disregard their partner's feelings, a narcissist would constantly show their partner how little they think about them, showcasing how they're only with them because it benefits them.
11. 'Your feelings and thoughts are unimportant to me'
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Finally, the last phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "Your feelings and thoughts are unimportant to me." Narcissists are great at balancing between sweet and their true personality. Not wanting to reveal too much to their partner, they'll play pretend to listen to your thoughts and feelings — even if they secretly don't care.
For most people who are familiar with the way narcissists operate, this doesn't come as much of a surprise. Despite popular belief, narcissists are actually great at reading people, which is why they know when to listen and when to tune out. So, if someone is wondering if their partner is a narcissist or not they should ask themselves if they believe their feelings are important to their partner.
If they aren't sure, sitting down and discussing their feelings might be a good idea. If their partner seems attentive and understanding, then they're most likely not a narcissist. However, if they are demeaning and defensive, they either don't care, are narcissists, or just have low emotional intelligence.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.