People Who Are In Marriages That Last 20+ Years Usually Have These 20 Traits
Couples in long-term marriages tend to share these powerful traits that keep their bond strong through it all.
Nygi | Unsplash It’s safe to say that when most people get married, they intend to stay married for the rest of their lives — otherwise, why even bother getting married in the first place, right? However, that only seems to work out about half the time — depending on what study or news report you believe.
With the odds of marital bliss hovering around 50-50, maybe it makes sense that Vegas has the most weddings of any other U.S. city at 114,000 per year. Given those odds, a happy marriage that lasts is a “gamble” and not a guarantee.
In a few weeks, my wife and I will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary together and 25 years as a couple. The truth is that marriage isn’t for everybody, but if you think it’s for you and your mate — consider the following 20 common sense tips that might tip the odds in your favor and have helped my wife and I stay together for more than two decades.
People who are in marriages that last twenty-plus years have these traits:
1. They're unselfish
We’re all selfish, but if you want your marriage to last and be a success you need to consider the needs of your spouse before your own needs.
2. They're realistic
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Neither of you is a perfect person, and if you think you are perfect — that’s probably a good sign your relationship might be in trouble. Once you both admit that you’ll make mistakes and disappoint each other, your expectations will be anchored in reality rather than fantasy.
3. They marry each other’s family too
Make no mistake, each of you has dysfunctional aspects of your extended family and you’re both “marrying into” each other’s familial history. Side with each other at all times; otherwise the extended family inertia can drive a divisive wedge in your marriage.
4. They communicate
On-going, bi-directional communication will help build trust, set expectations, and avoid conflicts. There is no substitute for it.
5. They speak kindly to each other
Don’t curse, criticize, or call each other names. Even though you’re adults, coarse discourse only tears each other down — you need to build each other up with your words first, and kind actions will follow.
Couples who cultivate compassion and express kindness are more likely to experience greater satisfaction and stay together long-term. Studies, including those by renowned American psychologist John Gottman, highlight that happy couples prioritize kindness and build it into their relationships, making five times as many positive comments as negative ones.
6. They have common interest and goals
The strongest relationships require common interests and experiences to endure over time. While there are exceptions, most relationships require more commonalities than differences to succeed.
7. They go into the relationship with their eyes wide open
My wife and I dated for five years before I proposed to her so that we both had a good idea of what each of us was “getting into” for the long haul. Save yourself the heartache and avoid getting into a relationship with someone who has a pattern of abuse, addiction, or adultery.
If you choose that for yourself, you’ve increased the odds that your relationship will fail.
8. They are intentional about intimacy
As time passes, as you have kids, as work responsibilities increase, as life happens… etc., it’s easy for intimacy to become an inconsequential afterthought. Don’t let that happen.
While it’s not the most important thing in a long-lasting relationship — it’s still an important and necessary consideration because it keeps you both connected and considerate of the other person and helps foster intimacy as well as faithfulness.
9. They avoid absolutes
Don’t accuse your mate of “Always doing such-and-such …” or “Never doing this-and-that …”, that type of universal language is rarely accurate or helpful.
10. They understand their marriage only has the value they assign to it
Celebrate and honor your relationship because nobody else will if you don’t. Ultimately, if your marriage is valuable in the eyes of you and your spouse, others won’t be able to discount or devalue it.
While couples can maintain a satisfying marriage even with periods of lower satisfaction, recognizing that the value of marriage is ultimately subjective and within their control can foster commitment and longevity, especially when coupled with active efforts to nurture the relationship. A 2022 study concluded that open and honest communication is crucial for navigating challenges and maintaining a strong bond.
11. They don’t keep secrets from each other
While this might be difficult, I can tell you it’s better to share your secrets with your mate. Not only can it be cathartic — sharing difficult or damaging secrets can help you heal and draw you closer together as a couple.
12. They don’t cheat
If you’re not going to be physically exclusive in a relationship, then don’t get married. Marriage mandates monogamy. Period.
13. They set ground rules for disagreements
Every relationship has conflict, here are some ground rules that I and my wife use when we have arguments.
14. They apologize when they're wrong
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This is easier said than done, especially when you know that you’re right. Regardless, delivering an apology will move your relationship forward.
15. They work on themselves before trying to 'fix' the other
This is one of the toughest tips to address and usually requires a trusted counselor or professional. The best book I’ve ever read on this topic was, Marriage Takes More Than Love.
Focusing on personal growth and self-improvement before attempting to 'fix' a partner can positively impact marriage longevity by fostering healthier communication, reducing conflict, and promoting individual and relational well-being. Researchers at the Gottman Institute found that taking responsibility for your actions and reactions minimizes the likelihood of blaming or controlling your partner, leading to less conflict and tension in the relationship.
16. They recognize that their relationship will evolve
The heat, novelty, and passion that was prevalent early on will cool off over time. Keeping your marriage strong when those once-fiery elements morph into smoldering embers will require conscious work by both of you.
17. They don’t keep score
If you constantly “keep score” and remind your mate of the things you do right and all the things they do wrong, I guarantee your relationship will not last. If you have to keep score — flip it — celebrate everything they do right and point out your failings.
18. They make big decisions together
Nobody wants to be blindsided, especially in a relationship. Make sure you both agree on big issues such as job changes, big purchases, having kids… etc. Nothing torpedoes trust quite as quickly as a life-changing decision crammed down your throat by your significant other.
19. They know it's the small stuff that matters
I don’t care what anybody says, little things that go unaddressed become big things—that applies to both good and bad things.
20. They go all in
Don’t expect or look for something better. Push your chips to the middle of the table and let your mate know that you’re “all in” when it comes to your marriage.
A 'going all-in' approach, characterized by strong commitment, open communication, and a willingness to address challenges, is crucial for marriage longevity and leads to increased marital satisfaction and stability. 2019 research recommended providing emotional, practical, and social support to each other during challenging times, which is vital for navigating life's ups and downs together.
A successful marriage takes more than a list of tips. The truth is there are many marriages that are destined to fail before they even start — no matter how much common sense, commitment, sacrifice, love … etc.
However, this list might help tip the odds in your favor if you want your marriage to last. You can bet on that.
Tor Constantino is a former journalist, speaker, best-selling author, and current corporate communications executive with an MBA degree, with 25+ years of experience as a professional writer. He has been featured on Good Men Project, Entrepreneur.com, Forbes, Fortune, Business Insider, Success.com, TIME, USAToday, and Yahoo!.
