20 Healthiest Marriage Habits I've Learned In My 30 Years As A Psychotherapist
Remember what it is like to be deeply in love.
Monkey Business Images | Canva From my experience as a psychotherapist for 30 years and a married man for over 20 years, I think of these rules as everything a couple must learn for an ongoing, happy relationship. If you are unhappy in your marriage or current relationship, print these out, post them to the fridge, and start to act on them.
Though some may seem simplistic and impossible, I promise that if you follow them to the best of your ability, your misery level will decrease precipitously and you will remember what it is like to be in love with your mate.
Here are 20 healthiest marriage habits I've learned in my 30 years as a psychotherapist:
1. Practice kindness daily
Compassion, understanding, respect, and empathy. If you are not using one of these, you are off track.
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2. Fight fair
No yelling, name-calling, sarcasm, bringing up past grievances (stick to the topic at hand), or hitting below the belt. Never throw things at or near the other person.
With anger, don't repress it, but don't let it out immediately, either. Find out what is causing the anger, cool down, and then talk about what you are feeling.
3. Know the difference between criticism and complaint
Criticism is a negative assessment of your behavior to say you have done something wrong and cause the person to become defensive, as shown in research from the American Psychological Association on defensive communication among romantic couples.
A complaint is telling the other person what you want and need moving forward. Complaints are positive and about the future; criticism is negative and about the past.
We can't change the past but we can succeed in the future. There is no such thing as constructive criticism between couples.
4. Avoid contempt, blaming, or shaming
Express anger without the above, and you'll both be better for it, as supported by a 2017 study.
5. Be on the lookout for defensiveness
In yourself, primarily.
6. Turn off the negativity & accentuate the positive
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Take a breath and refocus when you feel negativity coming on.
7. Don't shut down
Refuse to engage in stonewalling or turning away from your partner for longer than twenty minutes. Then come back to the table.
8. Don't play the victim role or the perpetrator
You're equals, you should act like it.
9. Take time to discuss what you want and need from each other
Create a values-based relationship. If you agree on your basic values, you can navigate the conflicts better.
10. Be tender in all your interactions
Start with sweetness.
11. Keep your promises
Remember what matters, write those things down if it helps.
12. Develop and nurture a good sense of humor
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That includes laughing at yourself when you screw up!
13. Acknowledge what your partner is saying before you say your piece
Reflect on what you've heard, so you know you've understood correctly.
14. Show appreciation when your partner does something nice for you
It's simple, say thank you.
15. Be responsible for yourself, your health, and your messes
You're both adults, you should both act like it.
16. Be considerate
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Put your partner's needs first at least half of the time.
17. Own your part in a problem
Even if you think it is 98% and 2%. You can still own your 2%.
18. Commit to do relationship work. Be a part of the solution
Yes, it'll be hard sometimes. Research on forgiveness and conflict resolution in marriage gives us an idea of how much your healthy, solid marital foundation will matter when things get tough.
19. Remember that Connection (with a capital "C") is your top priority
Secrets, silence, and resentment erode that.
20. Practice loving-kindness
Remember that you can't always be right ... but you can always be kind.
Dr. Bill Cloke is an expert in couples and marriage therapy and author of Happy Together, a book about marriage.