5 Words That Can Literally Save Your Marriage, According To Brené Brown
The phrase that will diffuse any difficult marital situation.
Ridofranz | Canva It's difficult to communicate with almost everybody, but it's especially difficult, to be honest, transparent, and vulnerable with our significant others. A conversation can be full of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and misinterpretations. But if we aren't honest, open, and present with our partners, how can we hope that our relationships will continue and be strong?
Author and public speaker Brené Brown reveals her share of misunderstandings, and of projecting feelings and motives onto other people that just aren't there. In Brown's book, Rising Strong, she talks about an easy life hack that can help anybody in a relationship be better understood.
Here are 5 words that can save your marriage, according to Brené Brown: "The story I'm making up."
"If I could give men and women in relationships, and leaders and parents, one hack, I would give them, 'the story I'm making up,'" Brown said. "You're telling the other person your reading of the situation, and simultaneously admitting that you know it can't be 100 percent accurate." (Pssst: Our brains are notorious for lying to us, research from 2019 confirms.)
These 5 simple words can diffuse a tense situation, or be an honest way to tell the person you're talking to exactly where your head is. It helps to check the narrative in your head.
It's a lifesaver for a few reasons. Brown says it's honest, it's transparent, and it's vulnerable. And no one knows more about the power of vulnerability than Brené Brown, as her Ted Talk has over 21 million views.
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When you say, "The story I'm making it up," it shows that you're aware that your version of events isn't necessarily 100% accurate.
"[When you use that phrase you're saying] I want you to see me and understand me and hear me, and knowing what you really mean is more important to me than being right or self-protecting," Brown says.
Brown gives an example from her book of how to use "the story I'm making up." After a harrowing day, where nothing had been simple or easy, Brown's husband opened their refrigerator and sighed. "We have no groceries. Not even lunch meat."
Brown replied, "I'm doing the best I can. You can shop, too."
"I know," he said in a measured voice. "I do it every week. What's going on?"
Brown was cognizant enough to know exactly what was going on: she'd turned his comment into a story about how she was a disorganized, unreliable partner and mother. She apologized and started her next sentence with "The story I'm making up is that you were blaming me for not having groceries, that I was screwing up."
Her husband replied, "No, I was going to shop yesterday but I didn't have time. I'm not blaming you; I'm hungry." Brown's unconscious shame story made her feel that she was failing and that her husband was blaming her when in actuality he just needed some food.
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By taking a chance and telling "the story I'm making up," both Brown and her husband were able to let go of their inner narratives about the situation and see one's another perspective and vulnerability. Vulnerability can help a relationship grow, research from 2020 confirms.
These five little words can cut through your self-protective walls and help you get on the same page with your partner.
Christine Schoenwald is a writer, performer, and frequent contributor to YourTango. She's had articles featured in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, Bustle, Medium, Business Insider, and Woman's Day.