15 Things Men Are Required By Law To Know About Women
Nature writes these rules that men should know about women.
Dmitriy Frantsev | Unsplash Have you ever wondered why men behave the way they do? Silly question. Of course, you have. Like why many men don't seem the least bit thrilled by cute babies (because they aren't their babies) or why they seem perpetually ready to pounce (because they have the equivalent of the female period, it's biologically induced so they can reproduce) — all enlightening revelations.
So, I felt compelled to write some insights into the female brain. To all the men out there, I hope this is helpful.
Here are things men are required, by law, to know about women:
1. We cry for no reason sometimes
It's part of our hormonal makeup. It doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong, according to 2019 research. It just means after drenching our skirts in coffee this morning, and then bombing our work presentation this afternoon, spilling a dish of jelly beans was simply the last straw.
2. We also like to vent
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Just vent, simple as that. You see, Suzy from work gets on our nerves sometimes. (We don't know what we did to offend her, but she seems to actively seek out opportunities to make us look bad in front of the boss.)
We don't need you to fix our problems, just let us tell you what they are. Then, feel free to give us a big hug. That's all we want.
"The fact that she has been listened to assuages her anxieties and dulls the pangs of negative feelings," explained therapist Richard Drobnick. "Sharing with someone who understands and loves her heals her from the inside and equips her with the emotional tools necessary to handle the trials and tribulations of the outside world. "
3. We have fears you might see as irrational
Spiders might freak us out. Yes, it sounds cliché and we know it's ridiculous (we are, after all, the reigning roller derby queen and/or a top financial executive, with million-dollar budgets at our disposal), but spiders can give us the creeps.
So if you could dispose of them and not make a big deal out of it, that would be awesome. Thanks.
4. We love it when you call us
When you call to say you had a good time on our date, to talk about the gig you played last Friday night, or to ask us out again.
So, stop with the games. If we suspect you're playing by the three-day rule, you're going to lose points.
5. We'd prefer you let us know if you're not into us
We can handle it, and we'd rather not waste our precious time. After all, we have an increasingly deafening biological clock to contend with. Yes, it will hurt when you break up with us, but we'd rather not be caught in a relationship for two years if you knew after two months you didn't see it going anywhere.
6. We don't require grand gestures — but they're nice
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Here's the deal with grand gestures: They're nice. We won't object if you take us on a surprise weekend getaway, buy us an expensive necklace we always notice through the shop window or shower the house in rose petals.
None of that is necessary. We love the little things most. Bringing us a coffee at work on your day off is seen as a heroic gesture. You will be rewarded. We will be stoked.
7. We don't define a relationship by the size of a ring
We don't expect you to buy us a platinum-banded, princess-cut diamond in a Tiffany's box, nor do we expect a ring six weeks into the relationship.
You can relax. Breathe. We will consult you when we start fantasizing about taking "till death do us part" vows with you, or will at least drop obvious hints.
8. We love babies, but that doesn't mean we want to rush into things
Most of us find babies adorable. We can't help it. It's our maternal instinct. This particular characteristic will cause us to point out those cute, toothless smiles and little, chubby cheeks to an annoying extent.
That doesn't mean we want to chase a toddler right now. We will consult you when we start fantasizing about nurseries and giraffe-emblazoned onesies.
9. We aren't comparing you to our exes
And you shouldn't compare us to your ex either. We're with you now, not with him, so you've already won.
10. We tend to overanalyze
OK, some of us always over-analyze. For example, after a date, you say, "I had a great time tonight." Our thoughts: "Did he? Was that a slight inflection in his tone? Did I sense apathy? Should I suggest a second date? Maybe he will. Maybe he'll just call tomorrow. Maybe he won't call at all.
Maybe I'll never see him again. What does 'I had a great time' mean? Does it mean he was bored the whole time? Did he enjoy himself? What is it with the mind games?!"
11. We prefer direct communication
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The "I had a great time tonight" followed by an "If you're free, I would love to get together again next Thursday" would be a minor miracle for us.
12. We appreciate courtesy
Opening doors, offering help with a chore, etc, we think it's hot. However, don't forget, we can take care of ourselves and don't need you to lift a box of pillows or pick up every tab.
13. We still want to feel feminine, beautiful, and safe
Knowing you can, and will, stand beside us through anything turns us on, the American Psychological Association even has a study that suggests the same. We have so much confidence in you that we're pretty sure you could save the world if you wanted to.
14. We hold you in high regard
Really. Show us that you feel the same way about us. Show us that we're the most amazing women on the planet. We'd like to know. We're sappy and romantic in that way.
15. We can still tie our shoes and do any number of other complex, Herculean things
Remember that. You know, in case you need some help when it comes to saving the world.
Jenna Birch is a former author, journalist, & editor. She currently leads narrative & communications at a venture capital firm.