15 Signs That Show You're Not Getting The Love You Need In A Relationship
If these signals sound familiar, your love tank is teetering near empty.
Brock Wegner | Unsplash Love is hard, no ifs, and's, or buts about it. Whether you're in a short-term or long-term relationship, there may be a point where you begin to feel that you're not getting the love you need.
You may notice a few things when the honeymoon phase wears off and you begin to become disenchanted in your relationship — the way they snore, where they leave their socks, and definitely, that awful nervous tick they have.
But if you put in the work, there are ways the relationship may be able to be salvaged and you can fall back in love.
Here are the signs that show you're not getting the love you need in a relationship:
1. Communication is lacking
When you begin falling out of love, you both unconsciously and consciously start communicating less. It's often the first sign you are beginning to fall out of love, as you stop sharing your true feelings with your loved one.
"Negative communication patterns replace the ways you used to connect and create intimacy and end up taking a toll on your overall health," explained family therapist Leigh Norén. "Things like not being listened to, passive-aggressiveness, or a lot of conflicts create situations where you feel unappreciated. If you constantly need to defend yourself or feel like your partner has checked out, this can cause low-grade stress and anxiety."
How to fix it: Catching yourself and making a conscious effort to begin communicating again could help this. Therapy may also be an option if this has been going on for a while.
2. 'You' not 'we' matter most now
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When you begin putting "me" before "we," there is a clear sign that something is missing in your relationship.
How to fix it: Taking steps to get back into including your partner in activities and things that you want to do solo may allow you to fall back in love with them. Additionally, creating more "we" moments can also rekindle the romance. Switching your mentality back from making "me" decisions to "we" decisions can also aid in this process.
3. Intimacy is non-existent
Once you realize you've not been physically intimate for an extended amount of time — and it's not just one of those dry spells that happen when life gets busy — you may begin to realize you're not as into your partner as you once were.
How to fix it: Talking this out is the first step. Then see if switching things up by trying new ways to bring the spark back.
"Novelty is important. Talk about intimacy. Remember your first time together (every detail!). Revisit moments when you hungered for each other in every way. Want something new in the bedroom? Start by recalling intimate moments from your relationship's "Greatest Bedroom Hits" and then try sharing new fantasies," advised marriage therapist Marcie Telander.
4. Time together dwindles
While this could be literal time together beginning to lessen, it could also mean the time you have together is less interactive. If you're on your phone and they are playing video games or watching a movie, you may be miles apart in the same room.
How to fix it: Try to carve out more intimate time, like date nights or an unplugged hour. Sometimes you just have to schedule quality time together to make it happen.
5. You don't crave closeness
At the beginning of a relationship, the cuddles and sweet, stolen kisses are things you may not be able to get enough of. While it's normal for this to wane as the relationship progresses — and it does — if you're not craving closeness at all, it could mean you are falling out of love, as suggested by research from The American Psychological Association (APA).
How to fix it: Making more time for snuggles and even just holding hands are two small ways to reignite the fire.
6. Seeing your partner isn't fun anymore
The butterflies are gone, and the feelings of dread, exasperation, or boredom are creeping in. In this case, time apart may be the best medicine. A few days — or even a week or two — apart may be just what you need.
How to fix it: Spending time alone without having to see them may make you realize how much you miss them and bring the butterflies back where they belong.
"Timeouts can’t last forever. They play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple. But they can also backfire. If the break turns into a stalemate, the prolonged silence can be injurious and erode trust in your relationship, according to The Gottman Insitute, which also recommends they should last at least twenty minutes since it will take that much time for your body to physiologically calm down. Anything more than a day can begin to feed negative sentiment."
7. You avoid your partner
You may be spending more time out of the house or away from your partner to avoid them. Saturdays begin being for your friends again instead of swanky date nights or even Netflix and chill.
How to fix it: Make an effort to spend more time together or schedule date nights to see if it helps bring back those loving feelings.
8. The future feels bleak
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You find yourself thinking of or mentioning the future less and less. Whether marriage plans were in the works or you were just looking forward to a fun vacation, you've stopped bringing them up. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed how emotionally pulling away and not looking forward to things is a telltale sign you are falling out of love.
How to fix it: Bringing those discussions back — and maybe even executing one of the future activities you discussed — may be the key to opening each others' hearts again.
9. Distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder
While you have spent some days or weeks apart, not missing your partner after being apart is a clear sign you are beginning to fall out of love.
How to fix it: Planning a weekend trip together may help bring you closer together and make you want to fall in love all over again.
10. Fighting is the new normal
When you've found yourselves in a fighting routine, whether it's on a daily or weekly basis, it may be a sign you are falling out of love with your partner. But knowing what you're fighting about is one of the keys to falling back in love. Are you picking fights because you want a way out? Are you angry with them?
How to fix it: Stepping back and analyzing why you're fighting can help you figure out if you want to make it work or not.
Wellness coach Nancy Addison recommended, "When arguing, it can be easy to interpret the other person's feelings and make assumptions that may or may not be true. So, stay in your adult mind, be strong, but stay calm and define your feelings and how the situation makes you feel. When a partner tries to control someone else by telling them how they should think or feel, it puts the other person in a defensive position and distracts them from the underlying issue. Instead, work on the issue and solve the problem to meet each of your needs."
11. You have your eye on someone else
You are no longer looking at your significant other the way you used to. You may not even be looking at them at all. Instead, you're looking at just about anyone else who strikes your fancy. Once you realize you're doing this, it can be an issue.
How to fix it: Catching yourself and reminding yourself as to what caught your eye about your partner in the first place may be one way to fall back in love with them.
12. Trust is a major issue
Whether you find something or just want to find something, there is a serious lack of trust. Research from the APA explained how not wanting to trust your partner or looking to find something to get you off the relationship hook is a sign you're falling out of love.
How to fix it: Therapy is one of the best ways to do this, but even just taking a step back and realizing that you're trying to sabotage your relationship may help you take steps to heal your relationship.
13. You realize there is more
Your goals have changed. Your hobbies have changed. Your desire to have adventures (or not) has changed. Beginning to realize there is more outside your relationship — and not wanting your partner to be a part of things — is a sign you're falling out of love.
How to fix it: Try including your partner in your plans or asking them to get involved in choosing activities to see if your partner is still who you want to experience your dreams with.
14. Your friends start asking questions
Your friends have been there for the extent of your relationship: the fights, the makeup, and the bliss. However, your friends have realized something just isn't right. Maybe you're not happy and it shows or maybe you're complaining about your partner more consistently or aggressively. When your friends start asking questions, it may signal that you're falling out of love with your partner.
How to fix it: While this may be hard to combat, it may be a really important indicator for you to realize something is up in your relationship. But tapping into your friend group about what has changed or what you may be missing could help you take steps to fix what's broken.
15. Your gut just knows
Your gut is the biggest indicator for just about everything in your life, from taking a new job opportunity to knowing you are falling out of love. And, at the end of the day, your gut is going to know what it takes to fix your relationship. From a few date nights to an intense therapy session, listening to your gut is the very first step on the roller coaster of love.
Emily Cappiello is a seasoned writer, editor, and content strategist who writes about lifestyle topics, relationships, and nutrition for Forbes, Martha Stewart, PopSugar, and more.