Psychologist Says If You Can Master These 10 Skills, Your Relationship Will Truly Thrive
Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.
Brock Wegner | Unsplash There is an art and science to building lasting relationships that will truly thrive, People in healthy relationships know that maintaining your bond and practicing kindness are key elements to keeping love alive.
If you know a happy, long-lasting couple, you've probably noticed the dynamic between them. Without a doubt, there are certain skills they master that will keep them together.
If you can master these skills, your relationship will truly thrive:
1. You've created a safe environment where you can openly share
Perfect Wave / Shutterstock
Couples in lasting relationships create a safe space where they can each be open with one another, never fearing that they will be judged.
In your relationship, you don't interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. You fight fairly, meaning you don't name-call or make threats. You apologize when you know you should.
If you're too angry to listen, you go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe, and calm down. You know that your partner is not the enemy.
2. You can separate facts from feelings
insta_photos / Shutterstock
What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? You've learned to look inward and ask yourself: "Is there something from my past that is influencing how I'm seeing the situation now?"
But there's another critical question to ask: "Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What's the real truth?"
Thankfully, with practice and a lot of work on yourself, you've been able to differentiate facts from feelings. And because of this, you see your partner more clearly and can resolve conflicts with clarity.
Separating facts from feelings in a relationship often focuses on emotion regulation and cognitive reappraisal. It highlights the importance of identifying and managing one's emotions to avoid letting feelings cloud judgment and distort perceptions of a partner's actions.
This allows for a more objective analysis of the situation based on concrete facts. Research from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology shows that couples who can effectively separate facts from feelings tend to have healthier relationships with less conflict and better communication.
3. You're able to connect with different parts of yourself
Yuri A / Shutterstock
Each of us is not a solo instrument. We're more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices.
Knowing this, you're able to ask yourself a few very important questions: What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your "gut" saying?
For example, your mind may be saying, "Leave them," but your heart says, "I love them." Couples in a relationship that can last let these different voices or parts of themselves co-exist and speak to one another.
For you, in this way, you find an answer that comes from your whole self.
4. You've developed compassion
Miljan Zivkovic / Shutterstock
Compassion and empathy are both extremely important parts of a healthy relationship. That means you practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don't have to identify with it.
Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to communicate respectfully with your partner.
Compassion builds trust. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting. Cultivating compassion in a relationship is strongly linked to higher satisfaction, improved communication, and increased longevity. F
indings from a study in the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science show that couples who demonstrate compassion toward each other report greater contentment and are more likely to stay together long-term. This involves actively listening, validating emotions, showing empathy, and supporting your partner.
5. You've created a 'we' that can house two 'I's'
Hananeko_Studio / Shutterstock
The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually supportive relationship is being separate, yet connected.
In co-dependent, unhealthy relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or herself, compromising the relationship as a whole. But when you are separate and connected, each individual "I" contributes to creating a "we" that is stronger than the sum of its parts.
One of the most glaring signs you're in a relationship that can last is having an identity separate from your relationship, but, at the same time, being able to bring all those great parts of yourself into the relationship to create a whole partnership.
6. You can heal yourself, rather than relying on your partner
Hananeko_Studio / Shutterstock
You can't expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, so don't try to fill theirs. A healthy relationship means you're able to work on yourself without having to count on your partner to fulfill you.
Ultimately, we can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can support the journey as you work with yourself, and vice versa. Living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.
A healthy, supportive relationship can significantly contribute to personal healing by providing a safe space to share vulnerabilities, receive validation, and experience emotional regulation through a partner's understanding and compassion.
However, a 2022 study by the APA found it's crucial that the relationship is secure and allows for open communication to facilitate healing, as a poorly matched relationship could exacerbate existing issues.
7. You relish the differences between you
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
The differences between you and your partner are not negative; rather, differences are something you should embrace. It's what makes us unique, after all.
You don't need a relationship with someone who shares all of your interests and views. That would just be boring, right?
We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but they're often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of passion. So consider it an excellent sign you're in a relationship that can last when you welcome differences.
8. You ask questions
LightField Studios / Shutterstock
All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partner's behavior means. For example, one partner may think, "They don't want to cuddle; they must not love me anymore." But we all know what happens when we assume.
We can never err on the side of asking too many questions and then listening to the answers from our whole self — heart, gut, mind, and body. It's essential to ask our partner questions, diving deep into what they are feeling inside.
Equally important is to hear what's not being said — the facts and feelings that you sense might be unspoken. Rather than assuming, you ask your partner questions that help them open up to you.
Asking questions in a relationship is a key component of fostering intimacy, trust, and connection. It demonstrates an active interest in your partner, encourages open communication, and helps you learn more about them.
A 2020 survey by the Pew Research Center showed that people who ask more questions, especially follow-up questions, are generally better liked by their partners.
9. You make time for your relationship
Yuri A / Shutterstock
No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Staying in love and maintaining a good relationship takes work every single day.
You make it a point to carve out time for your relationship. You schedule time for the well-being of your relationship and partner.
That includes going on dates and taking downtime together. You create a space together by shutting off all things technological and digital.
Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow. And because you have a lasting relationship, you're taking all the right steps.
10. You say the hard things from a place of love
Mladen Mitrinovic / Shutterstock
Relationships will certainly deal with hard truths from time to time. And yours is no exception.
Saying complicated things from a place of love in a relationship is most effective through open and honest communication, using 'I' statements, focusing on specific behaviors rather than personal attacks, and expressing care and concern for the other person's feelings.
2022 research found this means prioritizing empathy and understanding while addressing issues that need to be discussed, even if they are difficult. You've become aware of the hard things that you're not talking about. You're able to think about how it makes you feel, and how it will make your partner feel as a result.
No matter what you're feeling in a situation, you channel the energy of your emotions so you say what you need to say in a constructive manner. You never judge or put your partner down. Everything you say comes from love.
Dr. Lynda Klau is a psychologist, coach, motivational speaker, and educator with more than two decades of training and hands-on experience. She's the founder and director of Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Possibility.