People Who Are In Highly Secure Relationships Never Do These 5 Immature Things
Five juvenile habits one writer broke when she finally found a secure relationship.
Gustavo Fring | Canva I had just sabotaged my fourth serious relationship, and my 30th birthday was creeping up fast. In the words of Albert Einstein, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
For me, “insanity” meant pursuing emotionally closed-off men — because I was so detached, I could barely feel emotions myself. Something had to give. I didn’t want to be a romantically inept robot for the rest of my life. First, I got myself into trauma therapy. Then I started reading every self-help book I could find about healthy relationships.
One book taught me so much about commitment issues; it’s called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love. Written by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller, Attached offers a scientific approach to understanding our romantic patterns. Formed in childhood, our attachment styles dictate how we navigate adult relationships.
But luckily, attachment styles can change. After three years of EMDR therapy, hundreds of dates, and a whole lot of introspection, I’m finally a highly secure person in a relationship with another secure person. As someone who’s been on both sides of the attachment spectrum, I feel calm after the storm.
By working through your baggage and choosing a partner who brings out the best in you, you can overcome your anxious or avoidant tendencies. Still, it’s not a permanent fix. I’m constantly monitoring my thoughts, emotions, and knee-jerk reactions to make sure I don’t slip back into these immature habits.
People who are in highly secure relationships never do these things:
1. Chase emotional highs
When I dated other avoidant people, their intermittent attention felt like pulling the lever on a slot machine. Hoping, waiting, wanting, anticipating, yearning — and then ka-ching! The rush of dopamine makes all that feel worthwhile.
Research shows that toxic relationships are psychologically addictive, and if you’re used to that emotional roller-coaster, a secure partner might feel … well, boring.
But once your brain recalibrates, you realize that secure relationships aren’t boring; they’re stable, peaceful, nurturing, and grounding. Instead of living for the grand gestures and tearful reconciliations, I’ve learned to value the consistency of an emotionally available partner.
2. Drop subtle hints
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I used to leave people breadcrumbs to see if they cared enough to follow them. Maybe they did, and maybe they didn’t, but without clear, straightforward communication, neither of us got what we wanted.
Now, I speak up. I ask for exactly what I need. I give my partner the chance to show up for me — and I remind myself that asking for help does not make me any less lovable.
Earlier this week, I was feeling overwhelmed and taken for granted. Consequently, instead of suffering in silent resentment, I said, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and taken for granted. I need you to pick up some of the slack.”
My partner responded with, “Of course.” Then, after picking up the aforementioned slack, he gave me a back rub and told me how much he appreciates everything I do. Who knew saying honest words out loud could be so effective?
3. Use pick-me behavior
Once upon a time, I was a pick-me girl, which meant I put a ton of effort into making it seem like I didn’t care. Ironically, while I insisted that I was chill (not like most girls), no one ever saw me without a full face of makeup.
I’ve since learned that pick-me tendencies stem from insecurity. Everything about my personality ensured that no one got to know the real me. That way, no one could reject the real me.
In secure relationships, the masks come off, literally and figuratively.
These days, I enjoy wearing makeup sometimes; it’s an art form and an act of self-care — but it’s no longer a necessity. I go weeks with a bare face. I also regularly opt for my glasses over my contacts and wear leggings five days a week.
Yes, my partner tells me I’m gorgeous regardless, but this is about how I view myself. I’m finally comfortable being the most genuine, unfiltered version of myself, both physically and emotionally.
4. Assume malicious intent
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A lot of the guys I dated were good people at heart. A few were not. Either way, I assumed that sooner or later, they’d hurt me, so I kept all of them at arm’s length.
According to author and researcher Brené Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” Without it, secure relationships can’t exist — and to be vulnerable with someone, you need to assume you’re on the same team.
Now, when my partner and I get into a heated discussion, I assume he’s trying to understand my perspective, not challenge it. If he’s grouchier or more distracted than usual, I don’t jump to the conclusion that I’m the problem and it’s over.
When he does something that upsets me, I give him the benefit of the doubt: He wouldn’t have done that if he’d known it would hurt me. And when old, unhealed wounds resurface and communication fails us, I assume he’s an ally who loves me, not an adversary who’s against me.
5. Lower your standards
Assuming my partner and I are on the same team does not mean accepting less than I deserve. I own a home and run a business. I’m on a never-ending journey to minimize my shortcomings and maximize my superpowers. I’ve worked tirelessly to become the best version of myself that I can be.
For the first time in my life, I know what I bring to the table. I’ll never again lose sleep over an ignored text. Make excuses for malicious actions. Bend over backwards for someone who wouldn’t bend over backwards for me. Wonder if someone cares enough to stick around.
These are my non-negotiables. I’m able to give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt because I’ve painstakingly chosen a partner who values me. And in return, I value him.
Of course, he and I make mistakes — all humans do — but at the end of the day, we both act like we got the better end of the deal. That’s the very definition of a secure relationship, and it’s taught me that true connection stems from consistency, not chaos.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others.