10 Science-Backed Habits Of Couples Who Thrive While Others Struggle, According To A Behavioral Therapist
What happy couples do differently — backed by science and therapist insight.
Ha NGuy | Unsplash A healthy relationship requires more than just two people loving each other. It requires constant effort and continuous input from both of the people involved.
According to behavioral therapist Dan Kolubinski, lack of attraction is as dangerous as a lack of trust when it comes to relationships. But there are certain things couples can do that keep their relationship alive for years to come.
Here are the science-backed habits of couples who thrive while others struggle:
1. They focus on their friendship
The first and foremost thing couples can do is be better friends with one another. Of course, you don't have to share every little thing with your partner like you do with your actual bestie, but you both need to feel connected to each other.
A well-connected couple shares their sorrows and happiness. They share their problems. They play, they laugh, they hug, and they even cry together. Be that couple who shares the important moments.
A 2022 study confirmed that a strong foundation of friendship is crucial for long-term relationship success, as it fosters companionship, understanding, and the ability to navigate challenges together. Friendship-based relationships are characterized by mutual respect, understanding, and a willingness to forgive each other's mistakes.
2. They don't forget about romance
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Remember how it used to be in the beginning when you first got together? How did you two have fun together? Remember all those cute kisses and passionate hugs? Don’t let them fade away.
Grab your better half, run your finger through their hair, hold them close, and remind them of the happy times you shared. Go out of your way to add a little romance to your relationship, and let your actions do the talking.
3. They learn how to listen to each other
Everyone loves a person who can listen — your partner is no different. They have hundreds of things going on around them. These things create tension and stress and can cause trauma.
Help them get rid of it. Make them speak. Listen to them patiently. Advise if you have any. Finally, when they are done, kiss their forehead and assure them of a better tomorrow.
Couples who actively listen to each other experience improved communication, deeper emotional connection, and increased relationship satisfaction, ultimately strengthening the bond and fostering a more fulfilling partnership. A 2018 study recommended reflecting on what your partner has said and responding in a way that shows you have heard and understood them.
4. They celebrate anniversaries
One of the loveliest habits that can make your relationship better is by celebrating small, special moments. Your marriage is not a small moment; rather, it's your first kiss, your first date, your first small moment that you still think about.
The idea is to spend quality time together, remembering how it used to be, and then deciding to work towards the same thing that was much better.
5. They laugh together
Another thing all happy, healthy relationships have is humor and laughter. A couple with a good sense of humor never gets bored and disconnected; it's like magic glue that keeps people together.
Make a point to spend time laughing with one another. It will bring you both closer together.
6. They appreciate one another
Do you remember when you first started dating? There were so many good things about each other that you noticed and adored. It’s time to re-explore those and appreciate them once more.
Appreciate the way your partner looks, the way they dress, the way they talk, and the way they smile. Tell them how much you love them and how lucky you are to have them.
According to a 2018 study, expressing and receiving appreciation or gratitude is crucial for strong and lasting relationships. It leads to increased satisfaction, commitment, and resilience in couples. Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of the relationship, focus on the positive qualities and experiences you share.
7. They cook together
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You don't need to spend thousands of dollars or travel to a country far away to spend time with one another. Sometimes, small things like cooking a meal together is enough.
Cooking is a good gesture to tell someone you care. Studies have even found that there are endless benefits to cooking together as a couple, including improving commitment and intimacy, and boosting communication.
Make sure you both get into the kitchen and work together as a team. Once you find the right ingredients, food isn't the only thing that will be served hot on the table!
8. They are optimistic
People make mistakes that are hard to forget. They keep surfacing in your mind and change your mindset to something negative. This directly affects your relationship and you may even start questioning the trust you have in each other.
Instead of thinking negatively, be optimistic. Think of a more neutral explanation for others' actions. And think of the good moments you have and smile.
9. They go on regular dates
Another habit that can make your relationship better than other couples is going on an adventure together — whether it's a bike ride around the neighborhood, a last-minute trip to your favorite destination, or a night on the town at the restaurant where you had your first date.
You will learn and explore a lot about each other, and by the time you return home, you will have so much to laugh at and talk about!
Couples who prioritize regular dates experience stronger marriages, increased intimate satisfaction, and better communication, fostering a sense of connection and commitment. A 2021 study found that date nights can become a ritual of connection, fostering a sense of shared meaning and strengthening the bond between partners.
10. They control their anger
Anger can be your relationship’s worst enemy. It can make you speak things you don't even mean to and end a healthy relationship within seconds.
Learn to control your anger. Rise above your insecurities and try to stay calm and happy. Talk to your partner if they did something you didn't like. Try to resolve the issue without arguing.
Make your point clear, but give your partner a chance to explain their part of the story as well. Be assured that things that make you angry aren't as important as things you will lose because of it.
Relationships aren't as hard as most people think. You just need to understand each other and keep the intimacy and trust alive. Attraction is temporary by nature, but making it permanent is no rocket science.
Dan Kolubinski, Ph.D., is a BACP and BABCP Accredited Cognitive-Behavioral Therapist and relationship counselor, and Senior Lecturer in the Division of Psychology at the School of Applied Sciences, specializing in the field of mental health.