The Magic Way To Know If You're Actually In Love, According To Psychology
Don't let yourself fall in love with a fantasy.
LOOK | Canva You've recently met someone new, and it's been all butterflies and rainbows ever since. Ah, swoon! But are the magical feelings you're experiencing for this person real love?
Sometimes, our hearts can get going and not let our brains catch up with them. So how do you know for sure that it’s real love, or if you're just falling for the loving feelings and romantic experiences this new guy is giving you?
In other words, are you so set on finding "the one" and wrapped up in your romantic fantasies that you’re refusing to see your new relationship?
Here's the magic way to know if you're actually in love, according to psychology:
1. Understand the difference between love and fantasy
YourTango expert Louann Schwager Tung explains the difference between falling in love with the romanticized fantasy of this person's love as opposed to the actual person you're with. What exactly does this mean? It means that rather than seeing the person in front of you for who they are, you’re seeing who you want them to be, as suggested by a study published by Frontiers in Psychology.
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2. Realize expectations are the first enemy of love
You’re creating a fantasy of what love is and feels like in your head and using this new someone as the character who fulfills this fantasy. “Expectation is the first enemy of love,” Louann explains.
Research in the Review of General Psychology helps demonstrate that if your love is the real deal, you will be able to accept the person you’re with fully, even if they don’t always live up to your fantasy expectations. You’ll see his flaws and the things that annoy you about him. You’ll understand his weaknesses — and accept them.
3. See the whole person
So if you're able to see the whole person in front of you — including his hopes and dreams, needs and wants, and yes, even things you don’t care for about him — then your feelings have a chance of growing into real love. If not, there might be some disconnection between what you’re expecting from your partner and what you’re getting.
If you’re building up a fantasy in your head, you can't tell if your relationship is building toward something, as supported by research in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. How will you ever know if you’ve found your “one” if you’re not able to see the whole picture of who you’re dating?
4. Pay attention to their words and their actions
Are they claiming to be Prince Charming while acting like a scrub? People in this situation often ignore what their partner is saying or doing to keep him as a stand-in for the lovely relationship ideal they’ve built up in their heads.
But by doing this, they’re not creating a lasting, love-filled relationship built on a foundation of solidarity, understanding, and trust. Sooner or later, his flaws and incompatibilities will cause the relationship to crumble.
Sure, a fairy tale sort of love is nice in your daydreams. But in reality, it’s not the stuff that real, working relationships are made of. If you’re concerned about whether your love is fantasy or reality, look for the tell-tale signs that prove what you're feeling is real.
Check out the video above for more.
Louann Schwager Tung is a relationship coach who works with people to help them find their forever person.