9 Early Red Flags To Never Ignore, According To Dating Coach — 'Pay Attention To That Tense Feeling In Your Gut'
When it comes these early red flags, dismissing them spells disaster.
Jacob Lund | Canva When you meet someone you like, it’s normal to turn a blind eye to certain things, especially if you’re really into them. Bad fashion choices aren’t exactly a deal-breaker, nor is the terrible cologne your date insists on wearing. But some things shouldn’t be overlooked, like the way they treat the wait staff, or how they talk about their ex.
Most of the time we feel these things instinctively — our guts tense up to let us know something isn’t right. But sometimes we ignore that niggle or make an excuse for it — they’re probably just being short with the waiter because they’re nervous, they’re talking smack about their ex to hide their heartbreak.
And maybe you’re just looking for flaws in your date because you just got out of a toxic relationship, right? Until the behavior amplifies over time, and you realize this initial "quirk" was a big bright red flag. Unfortunately, too many women wind up in abusive relationships this way, wondering how they missed these early red flags they never should have ignored in the first place.
Here are the early red flags to never ignore:
1. They’re possessive
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You haven’t even met them yet, and already your date’s uneasy. You’re on Tinder and could potentially be seeing other people. Run. Run for the hills. This is a very bad sign of things to come.
It’s acceptable to be a little possessive of your lover. But it is not a good sign if you think they are jealous and want to control and monitor your moves too much.
2. They nitpick your appearance
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If your date is already making negative assessments of your appearance (i.e., “You’d look hot if you lost a few pounds”), you’ve just been given a red flag they’re a toxic partner. It’s your S.O.’s job to build you up, not knock you down.
When a partner frequently nitpicks your appearance, it can significantly damage your self-esteem, leading to increased body dissatisfaction, anxiety about your appearance, and feelings of insecurity. This is especially true if the comments are perceived as critical and undermine your self-worth.
Negative appearance-related commentary from a romantic partner is strongly linked to negative body image issues. A 2021 study recommended that if nitpicking behavior is persistent and causing significant distress, seeking couples therapy can be beneficial for addressing underlying issues and developing healthier communication patterns.
3. They’re rude to the wait staff
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Aggression is never a good quality in a potential suitor, and being rude to any wait staff means your date just wants an audience to watch them power play. A person who is lovely to you and hateful to a waiter is not a nice person.
4. They bad-mouth their ex
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Some relationships end badly and we’ll probably always have negative feelings about that person. But if your date’s bad-mouthing their ex every chance they get, it’s a good sign they have serious issues.
When a partner frequently badmouths their ex, it can suggest unresolved issues from the previous relationship, difficulty taking responsibility for their role in the breakup, and potential problems within the new relationship, especially if the negativity is excessive or persistent.
Research published by the Family Institute at Northwestern University recommended gently expressing your concerns about the constant negativity and encouraging your partner to reflect on their reasons for bringing up the ex so frequently.
5. Their last relationship was five minutes ago
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If you go over to your date’s house and it still looks like their ex is living there, this is a major sign they’re in rebound mode and it’s fresh; so fresh, their ex probably doesn’t even know they’ve broken up yet.
6. They get sloppy on the first date
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A date is like a job interview: you want to make a good impression, so you act like the best version of yourself. If your date’s idea of showing off their best side is getting wasted and throwing up in the potted plant on the way out of the restaurant, this is a clear sign you could end up with someone with substance abuse problems.
Getting drunk on a first date is generally considered a negative sign, often interpreted as a lack of self-control, the potential for poor decision-making, and a lack of seriousness about the potential relationship.
A 2017 study showed that a significant portion of people would be less likely to pursue a second date with someone who gets intoxicated on the first encounter. The alcohol expectancy theory suggests that people's beliefs about how alcohol will affect them can influence their behavior when drinking, potentially leading to more disinhibited actions.
7. They move way too fast
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You’re on your second date and they’ve already told you how they’re going to plan your honeymoon to the Maldives and want you to meet their mother. Yes, they’re probably getting excited because you’re a total catch, but the person who is full-on too fast is usually also the quickest to disappear, so watch out.
8. They’re controlling
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It could be as simple as making subtle hints that they prefer when you wear something else or insisting they order your food for you, or as obvious as suggesting you find new friends. Either way, if you’ve just started dating someone and they’re already trying to make your decisions for you it’s a sure-fire sign they’re a toxic partner.
A controlling potential partner can significantly impact an individual's autonomy and well-being. This often acts as a precursor to more serious abusive behaviors, with signs including excessive monitoring, dictating choices, and isolating tactics stemming from potential underlying issues like low self-esteem or past trauma in the controlling partner.
A 2023 study highlighted the importance of recognizing these red flags early in a relationship to protect mental health and personal boundaries.
9. They don't make you feel like yourself
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A good relationship should bring out the best version of you. It’s one thing to want to put your best foot forward when you start dating someone, but if you’re afraid to let your date see even a glimpse of the real you, then there must be a reason why.
You never want to lose your identity in a relationship, so stay true to yourself, and walk away. There’s someone out there who will make you feel confident being exactly who you are.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Peta Serras is a model, founder of Professional Babe, and SheSaid's former dating columnist. Her work has been featured on Marie Claire, Women's Health & Fitness, Good Health, Woman's Day, and more.