10 Compromises You Should Never Make In Your Relationship — No Matter What
Loving relationships don't mean losing yourself.
La Famiglia | Shutterstock Being in a serious relationship ultimately means merging two lives into one. And when that happens, you’re inevitably both going to have to make some compromises. There are the little things, like which peanut butter to buy, to throw laundry in a basket or right in the machine, and where to go on your vacation.
These things are the stuff of daily life, and a little flexibility goes a long way. Then there are the bigger compromises, which shouldn’t be taken lightly. Certain compromises may force you to question staying in the relationship.
Here are the compromises you should never make in your relationship, no matter what:
1. Your dreams and goals
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Especially when you’re young, you need to go after your goals with vigor and fire. “If your goal is to become an engineer and you got a great job opportunity in a city away from your partner, you should take it,” says Alli Owen, a life coach specializing in relationships.
“If that partner is mature and respectful, s/he will honor your goals and support you in pursuing them.” If you give up your dreams for another, you may come to resent them later on.
2. Your values
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This is who you are at your very soul. If you’re not a big drinker, but your partner is and it’s affecting your relationship in negative ways, it’s okay to give them an ultimatum.
Owen says your partner should respect your major life priorities — whether it’s health, family, or career — and want to be a better person, not only for you but with you. “If you always envisioned marrying a person of a particular faith or religion, wait to settle down until you find that person.”
Compromising core values in a relationship can lead to resentment, loss of authenticity, and damage to trust, ultimately undermining the relationship's stability and satisfaction.
A 2015 study concluded that maintaining your values is crucial to fostering a healthy and genuine connection with your partner based on mutual respect and understanding. If you have concerns about potential value clashes, open and honest communication with your partner is crucial to navigating disagreements healthily.
3. Your lifestyle
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Let’s say you’ve always wanted at least two kids and life in the suburbs, but your partner doesn’t want kids and prefers to live in the city. The life you want might seem suffocating to your partner, and you can’t compromise on that without one of you being miserable.
The best thing to do is stop prolonging the inevitable and end the relationship. There’s no use wasting anyone’s time if your life vision doesn’t align.
4. Your family and friends
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Be wary of any partner who tries to keep you from seeing your family and friends. It’s normal to see less of them because now you’re spending more time with your partner, and while some possessiveness may make you feel wanted and special in the beginning, it can also be a red flag of things to come later in the relationship.
As Kristen Fuller, M.D. writes, healthy friendships can help you cultivate healthier relationships and be healthier, overall. “Studies have shown that older people with friends are more likely to live a healthier happier life than those who do not have many close friends.”
Consistently compromising family and friends for a relationship can lead to feelings of isolation, resentment, and a loss of self, potentially damaging one's mental health and the relationship itself.
A study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that this often involves sacrificing crucial social support networks and a sense of personal identity. Prioritizing one relationship at the expense of others can create an unhealthy imbalance and undermine one's overall well-being.
5. Your self-worth
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We should all expect to be treated with love and respect by our significant others. Our partners should stand by our side through good times and bad, and shouldn’t be making us feel bad about ourselves.
Don’t accept verbal (or, of course, physical) abuse in your relationship. Unhealthy communication can be seriously damaging to your self-esteem.
6. Your intimacy
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If you and your partner agree on the importance of both physical and emotional intimacy, then it’s all good. But if you disagree on the relative importance of intimacy and your needs are not being met in the bedroom, then it’s only going to get tougher as time goes on, and will likely eventually cause a rift or breed resentment, says Dr. Mark White, in a recent post for Psychology Today. Issues that aren’t addressed early on can also lead to even less intimacy and possible infidelity later.
You should never compromise your intimate life in a relationship because consistently sacrificing your needs or desires can lead to resentment, decreased satisfaction, and a damaged sense of self.
Research published in UC Berkeley's Greater Good Magazine explained that healthy intimacy requires open communication and mutual respect for each partner's boundaries and desires. Setting clear boundaries regarding intimacy is crucial for maintaining personal integrity and respecting your own needs within a relationship.
7. Your principles
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You may not even realize you’re doing this. Relationship expert Chris Armstrong says often, men and women concede to their partner's desire to be able to text or flirt with others.
“The conversation is generally followed by phrases like: ‘They’re still coming home to me,” or, “S/he’s just being friendly.” Flirting is a sign your partner needs someone else to fulfill any part of their needs… which could even just be their ego. Don’t put up with it unless you’re genuinely okay with it.
8. The type of relationship you want
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It should never be okay for your partner to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do, says Rori Sassoon, a professional matchmaker, and CEO of Platinum Poire. “For example:
Having an open relationship, a threesome, or anything else that makes you uncomfortable in your relationship. Inviting another person into your relationship is a big decision that can create jealousy when you want to strengthen your intimate bond.”
Never compromising on the type of relationship you want is important because constantly sacrificing your core values and needs can lead to resentment, decreased self-esteem, and a lack of authenticity. This ultimately harms your mental health and hinders the potential for a fulfilling partnership.
Healthy relationships involve compromise on more minor issues but not on fundamental aspects of your identity and what you need from a partner.
The Gottman Institute recommends communicating your needs and boundaries to your partner and actively listening to theirs to find a solution that works for both of you.
9. Your need for communication
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“He/she is probably just really busy”, “He/She doesn’t like to talk on the phone.” Having communication compatibility is more important than many realize when it comes to relationships.
If you really need to converse often with your partner and it seems like they ignore or only prefer to text, it could present communication issues further down the road, especially with big issues. We often take less consistent communication than we need by making excuses for our partners. The truth is you are either a priority or you’re not.
10. Your financial security
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These days, having your finances in check is important if you plan on buying a house, taking out loans, or dream of retiring early. And, your partner’s bad credit or spending habits can eventually impact you. “If financially they are taking from you and not contributing to expenses, there is nothing to compromise here. They must stop,” says Sassoon.
If it feels like you’re constantly footing the bill and mooching off of you, it’s best to keep your accounts and finances separate and plan very inexpensive dates until they get their finances together.
Consistently compromising relationships' finances can be detrimental because money is often deeply tied to personal values, security, and control. This can lead to potential resentment, stress, and conflict within the partnership, especially if partners have significant disparities in financial habits or goals.
A 2011 study recommended establishing a system for managing finances, including joint accounts for shared expenses and individual accounts for personal spending.
Ashley Papa is a writer who has been featured in MSN, Reader's Digest, Yahoo, and more.