Wife Wonders How To Leave A 'Dying Marriage' That Her Husband Thinks Is Better Than Ever
After opening their marriage, they couldn't possibly be on different pages. Now she doesn't know what to do.
Syda Productions / Canva Pro Life is hard; there's no doubt about that. But oftentimes, we end up complicating it more than we need to, wondering what we should do about this or that when we already know the answer deep down. We just don't want to admit it
Such is the case of a wife on Reddit whose marriage has hit a rough patch. But while she says she's questioning what to do, her words betray the fact that she's already made her choice.
The wife is wondering how to leave a dying marriage because she and her husband are not on the same page.
In fact, "not on the same page" is an understatement. She calls it a "dying marriage," while her husband "thinks it's better than ever?" That's one heck of a disconnect, and it certainly doesn't bode well.
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And tellingly, she didn't post to Reddit for advice on how to save her marriage but rather how to "leave" it. It sure feels like there's a whole lot of writing on the wall, without even hearing her story. The details only make the writing clearer, however.
They opened their marriage five years ago. Since then, he's been blissfully happy.
"Five years ago, my husband told me some truths, and we agreed to open up our marriage so he can fulfill some itches I can't scratch," she wrote in her since-deleted post — which seems an awful lot like a euphemistic way of saying her husband confessed he's also attracted to men, though she did not specify.
In any case, she explained that his extramarital dalliances are physical only. She wrote, "he loves me and will never leave me." The arrangement has made him more open, affectionate, and even more helpful around the house. In short, "he's been a better husband."
She stumbled upon his Reddit account and found posts in which he was helping other men in similar situations figure out how to handle their marriages, and in which he reported that "he and I were happier than ever, completely in love, and more connected."
But she is anything but happy, writing, 'I love him, but I'm not in love with him.' Still, she questions whether to leave him.
"Once, I would have laid down my life for him," she wrote. "I would get him flowers or the beer he liked when I saw it at the grocery store. Now I can't be bothered to surprise him with a thing."
And while their life in the bedroom is "physically better," her head and heart are not remotely in it. "It's another chore," she wrote, "and I find myself daydreaming about someone else. I've withdrawn from it all."
It sounds as if she wishes she could turn back time to before they opened the marriage, but of course that's impossible. "We can't go back to the way we were because my husband will be miserable and I can't go back to jumping hoops to make him happy because I can't fulfill the itches he wants scratched," she wrote.
So she wonders not only how to extricate herself but whether or not she even should. "I still have love for my husband and I could see us living this way for the rest of our lives," she wrote. "Should I even do it?"
Her attempts to talk herself out of what she obviously wants could be related to the concept of the 'sunk-cost fallacy.'
Let's call it like it is: It is very obvious this woman wants to be free of this marriage but is simply afraid to take the leap — and it was crystal clear to nearly everyone on Reddit. "He’s not scratching your itches, though, and you aren’t happy," one person wrote. "There’s no reason for you to stay."
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Her situation smacks of a concept called the "sunk-cost fallacy," in which a person clings to a proverbial sinking ship because of the time, effort, or money they've already invested in it.
The phrase is often used in the business world, but mental health practitioners use it too, often to describe the precise situation this woman is in: the refusal to leave an unhappy marriage because of how much of themselves they've already poured into it.
But psychologists say what is at the root of this is a fixation on the past — which cannot be changed—at the expense of the possibilities of the future.
One Redditor put this in perfectly human terms. "You aren’t happy. That’s all you need to know," they wrote. "You can love someone and recognize that both of you deserve to be in love with life, your spouse/s, and your future."
Solid advice. Sometimes, the only way to truly serve both you and your partner is to accept that it's time to move on and free both of you in the process.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.