It Took Me Way Too Long To Move On From My Divorce, Due To These 7 Mistakes
Happiness is around the corner if you keep walking.
Juanmonino | Canva When I separated from my ex-husband, I began the somewhat complicated process of moving on with my life. In so many ways, it was obvious that I've moved forward. In other ways, it took me way too long to move on from my divorce. Looking back, I understand why.
Many little and not-so-little things prevented me from truly moving forward to become "Laura" again. Now I can see that I made a few serious mistakes, mistakes nobody warned me ahead of time, and I want to share my experiences with everyone who is same position.
Seven mistakes I made that made it hard to move on from my divorce
1. Taking way longer than it should have to finalize the divorce
Not because we were fighting, but due to a variety of circumstances like me finding a job, picking a new mediator after it not working out with another, and delaying the divorce paperwork over holidays. Leaving that "separated" status in the air has been a burden to me emotionally.
To be honest, making the divorce legal won't change my daily life from what it is now as a single separated mom, nor do I have some man waiting to marry me (oh absolutely no!). But it does put off completing the grieving process, as suggested by a study in Self and Identity Journal.
For some people, waiting to make the divorce official makes complete sense, like if you're both living together (which does happen) for financial reasons or perhaps looking to stay under the spouse's health insurance plan. But if there's no dire reason to keep you legally bound to someone, making the divorce official sooner rather than later helps you grieve.
You may be separated from someone for a long time, but when you stand in a court and they say it's completely over, it can and most likely will bring up emotions regarding your broken marriage. Make the divorce official sooner than later to cut ties and heal.
2. Spending too much time together
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
Certified life coach Kate Anthony recommended to "Remember, you don’t have to like your ex or agree with every decision they want to make. But you do have to work together — at least till your youngest is eighteen. Even then, probably longer, because of marriages and grandkids and all that — so wouldn’t it just be better if you worked together and made this as smooth as possible? It takes less energy to be nice and collaborative than it does to be mean and oppositional."
While it's highly advisable to stay civil with your ex if you have children together and be adults for their sake, learn from this one mistake of mine, please. Don't spend too much time with your ex and child/children.
Why? Well, originally our intention as separated parents was noble. We wanted to keep things "normal" for our daughter, and neither one of us wanted to miss out on certain events or special trips with her. While it's better that we worked together for our child to make things stable and pleasant for her, it also sent her mixed signals and impeded her grieving process — as well as mine.
When we first separated, our daughter was three (she's now four years old), and my daughter didn't understand why we could have a great time together at Sesame Place, but couldn't manage to all sleep under the same roof that very same night.
For me? I found myself severely depressed wondering why we could have a lovely day out together, yet weren't able to pull that off every day of the week. During the few times we fought, I felt incensed I allowed all three of us to be together since the idea of divorcing was so our daughter wouldn't have to witness the arguing.
It was always small spats, but the tension was there. Then when the fight stopped, we would go on to have a great day, and again I wondered, "Why can't we stay married?"
Spend the necessary events together for your child's sake so they can have a nice civil and stable family life, but don't spend too much time together. It's a false reality for everyone and sets back the grieving process.
3. Still being intimate even after the separation
Lonely or not, don't do it. Do not, I repeat, do not sleep, hook up with, or kiss your ex. It's dangerous territory and you will feel worse later. Do you need that?
4. Not holding off on dating
I've been very smart about dating for the majority of this separation process and haven't had any serious relationships. Whereas, surprise, surprise, he already has a girlfriend. Do men always shack up with someone first? I think yes. When we first separated, I was eager to start dating right away. The few dates I went on in that early separation period ended up leaving me a bit shell-shocked.
Although I've backed away and have barely dated throughout these fifteen months, starting too quickly made me feel a bit hopeless about moving forward with another person, and set the stage for me to doubt whether divorce was the best choice. And no divorcing woman needs extra doubt.
Once you are ready to date, dating coaches Orna and Matthew Waters advised how "You're not meant to spend your life alone. Your soul craves a connection with a special person. You can certainly be single and happy, but if you want to thrive in life, you’ll want to share your life with the love of your life. With a little effort, you can overcome your past heartbreaks and develop new relationship skills. When you mine your past disappointments to discover the gold that lies within, you may find that your split with your ex was the greatest advantage you could have received."
5. Living in the same house we shared
For me, living in the marital home made moving on harder, except I didn't even realize this fact until my ex signed the house over to the bank and I found my own place.
It was like living with a ghost: my ex's presence was always there, and whenever he came to pick up our child, he acted as if he still lived there. My advice? Move somewhere new and start fresh.
6. Putting all the blame on myself
fizkes via Shutterstock
All too often I beat myself up over the divorce as if I was the cause of said dissolution. And I wasn't. We both contributed to our marriage's demise and spending so much time putting myself mentally through the wringer made letting go much harder.
When one goes through the divorce process, one should reflect on their contribution to the marriage's demise, as well as what interpersonal changes the individual needs to make to be a healthy and positive fit for a new partner. But most importantly, for oneself. Still, while beating yourself up may be common in the divorce grieving process, it's not a healthy habit to form if you want to let go and move on.
7. Keeping my wedding and engagement rings
Another thing women do to avoid the harsh reality of divorce is to keep their rings. Keeping my rings for all this time has simply made moving forward harder. Keeping a wedding ring is almost like saying to yourself, — actually, it's lying to yourself — "Maybe things will end up working out," or, "Why don't I just treasure the past a little longer?"
It's nice to keep items like wedding photographs, especially if you have children who may want to know what mommy and daddy were once like, but holding onto a ring is simply burying yourself in deep denial. It's a diamond, not a fortune teller, marriage counselor, or dream builder. That diamond is the representative of your dead dream and mine.
Holding onto it because I don't want to look at it and remember what it used to represent is toxic to me and my new life. Selling your engagement and wedding rings not only scores you some great cash but also helps you mentally prepare and make room for a new and lasting love. Think of it as cleaning out the dead dream that's become a nightmare to finally get the happy ending you want. It's what I am doing. It's what you should do, too.
Life coach Roland Legge advised, "There is no easy way around the discomfort. Find friends, family, and professionals to provide you with a safe space to get in touch with your sadness, anger, disappointments, and self-doubt. You need to be able to experience the sensations in your body, the emotions in your heart, and the thoughts in your head to get beyond the pain. After intentional work, the memories that used to trigger you will no longer affect your daily life."
Moving on after divorce has no easy and quick timeline, and everyone does it in his or her own time. But don't you dare become that person sitting in a bar years after your divorce, bitter over your fallen marriage?
Happiness is around the corner if you just keep walking step by baby step.
Laura Lifshitz writes about divorce, relationships, parenting, and marriage for YourTango, The New York Times, Women’s Health, Working Mother, and Pop Sugar.