I'm A Clinical Psychologist — Why Today’s Cheaters Are More Compulsive Or Addicted Than Ever Before
Only the most compulsive, addicted people will keep cheating in the face of social barriers.
golubovy | Canva My Master’s thesis was on quitting smoking, and one interesting fact from that body of research was that more of today’s smokers are extremely addicted versus the smokers of a generation ago.* (This held true in 2006 so I’m sure it’s even more relevant today.)
This was because smoking elicited much more social disapproval in 2006 versus, say, 1996, and it became harder to smoke due to legal restrictions, like no smoking indoors. Only the most severely addicted smokers continued their behavior in the face of these challenges. But what does this have to do with cheating?
Through my clinical psychology work with couples and infidelity, I've observed that the cheaters of today more often have a compulsive or intimacy/love-addicted flavor to their infidelity.
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I believe this is in part due to social changes that make it more difficult to cheat and more likely to garner social disapproval for doing so. Only the most addicted people will keep cheating in the face of these huge social barriers.
With every passing year, it seems to be considered more shameful to cheat on a partner, particularly if you are married with kids. I attribute this in part to the child-centered parenting model.
Both parents are expected nowadays to put their kids and their family first, and taking time away from the family or prioritizing work travel/nights out (when infidelity would happen in previous eras) over family time is considered bad and wrong in a way that it never used to be (especially for men).
For the first time, in recent years, I am seeing many men do half the childcare, so men are expected to be home and with their kids vs out carousing. Today many men look down on male friends who cheat, which wasn’t the case in prior eras.
Also, even in the case where there are no kids, there is a huge societal shift away from condoning sexual harassment (i.e., the #MeToo movement). This shift makes people take a harder look at all intimate behavior, and it is considered much more disgusting for a man to have an affair with a woman where there is no power differential.
This means all the men who used to cheat with women who worked for them or who were their students or patients or anything else are now much more wary of doing this; it makes it a lot harder to cheat when your job could be on the line for it. It isn’t only pragmatic, many men have deeply changed how they perceive a man being intimate with a subordinate so also would think worse about themselves for doing it. This was not the case in the Mad Men generation and even up until more recently.
Finally, marriage is now supposed to be all things, as discussed in the book The All Or Nothing Marriage. Now more than ever, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend, lover, and co-CEO of the home, and you are supposed to have similar values in every arena.
This makes marriage pretty hard and it’s a concept that I often explore in couples counseling. Either way, though, lying to your partner comes off much differently nowadays than it did when partners were not supposed to be everything to one another.
The upshot of all of these societal changes and barriers to infidelity is that, from what I see, most of the people with more compulsive/addictive styles of intimate behavior are still cheating.
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Like those who keep smoking cigarettes, these cheaters are the more severely addicted to intimacy/love. They therefore continue their behaviors despite knowing how they would lose friends/their jobs/their kids’ respect in today’s anti-infidelity era.
The ubiquity of adult videos, dating apps, and texting is also very difficult for people who are more prone to intimacy addiction. You never used to be able to find someone online who would text you all day; people generally used to see affair partners infrequently and communicate with them rarely in between visits.
But now you can interact with an affair partner on your phone more than with the spouse you live with. Texting/adult videos are much more compelling for people who struggle with addiction toward intimacy/love.
Using adult videos also makes intimacy-addicted people likelier to see intimacy everywhere in their daily lives, and to cheat more readily because they have been mentally primed by hours of adult video use to think that ready and willing partners are everywhere at all times.
I see this in the men I work with who are addicted to intimacy and love. Adult videos and real life become almost interchangeable for those who struggle with addiction in this domain.
A good book that I recommend for clients wanting to understand intimacy/love addiction is When You Love Too Much. You can disregard the parts about God if that’s not your thing, but the author gives a good overview of what he calls the “people addictions,” which are addictions to romance, relationships, and intimacy.
This book can help you understand which of these buckets you/your partner fall into. There is a lot of overlap between addictions to people and substances, and if you/your partner has struggled with addiction to alcohol/drugs/food/work, it is likely that if you examine behaviors toward intimacy and love there are addictive components there as well.
Overall, if infidelity has been an issue in your relationship, think deeply about whether there are compulsive behaviors at play.
Here is the self-assessment quiz from Love Addicts Anonymous. If you have ever wondered why you can’t stop intimate and/or romantic behaviors that make you feel out of control or have caused you problems within primary relationships, the quiz results may be very eye-opening.
If your partner has been unfaithful, also go through the quiz and see what you think likely applies to them. Of course, you cannot diagnose your partner, but recognizing that there may be an addictive component to your partner’s behavior is often transformational and validating.
This means that whatever they may have told you about YOU or the relationship being the reason they cheat is not valid, and also that they will need treatment for addiction to remain faithful in the future if you choose to remain together.
If this post resonates with you, think about why and research the links I’ve included. You may understand your relationship a lot differently and finally be able to address the deeper issues at play.
If you or someone you know is suffering from addiction, there are resources to get help. The process of recovery is not linear, but the first step to getting better is asking for help. For more information, referrals to local treatment facilities and support groups, and relevant links, visit SAMHSA’s website.
If you’d like to join a recovery support group, you can locate the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous meetings near you. Or you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-799-7233, which is a free 24/7 confidential information service in both English and Spanish. For TTY, or if you’re unable to speak safely, call 1-800-487-4889.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.