Bestselling Relationship Expert Says Cheating Is Always A Choice — 'You're Full Of It If You Say It Was An Accident'
Cheating is never an accident or a mistake, it was deliberate, says expert Charles J. Orlando.
Valerii Honcharuk | Canva Cheating in a relationship is ridiculously common. Celebrities and regular people alike are constantly called out by the press, by their now ex-significant others, and by the perpetually investigating paparazzi.
Some have taken the road of silence and others come clean right away. But it’s been fascinating to watch the cheaters confess.
Why do people cheat? As a man, I've listened to these tearful laments and I can’t help but roll my eyes. These cheaters aren’t sorry. They’re just sorry they got caught.
Cheating is always a choice. Those who claim it was "an accident" or offer any other reason are full of it.
Antonio Guillem / Shutterstock
According to statistics from the Institute for Family Studies, 20% of married men admit to cheating.
These cheating men were just fine traipsing around the town with their mistresses in tow — an unsuspecting wife or girlfriend holding down the proverbial fort, oftentimes dutifully caring for the kids — and now they want me to believe they’re sorry? Puh-lease.
And with infidelity often headline news, TV shows, magazine articles, and blog posts feature "real men" discussing cheating. These men are quasi-experts on cheating — because they did it.
And look, I’m not here to pass judgment on their infidelity, I simply have an issue with their reasoning. These "real men" — like all cheating men — have a wide variety of justifications for why they cheated:
- "She was constantly nagging me. I had to get out of there."
- "I felt like I was playing a role. I stopped being real. The only way to shake myself out of it was to cheat."
- "I didn’t mean it. It was an accident."
My response to these reasons (and any others): Lies. Sorry, guys. You can pull that line on the press, on your mothers, or your now-estranged wives or girlfriends, but that doesn’t work on someone who knows — someone who has been there.
But let’s get something straight. I recognize that monogamy isn't for everyone. Many argue that it's not a "natural state" for men.
In many ways, I think those people are right. DNA-wise, both genders are driven by primal instincts to continue our species, not concentrate on the sanctity of marriage.
Pixel-Shot / Shutterstock
Why do people cheat? Well, they are choosing to cheat for one simple reason: Selfishness.
They care more about sleeping with someone else rather than their significant other, whose trust they are betraying. And this is betrayal — a special betrayal saved for a man’s spouse or girlfriend.
How is it special? Because men usually don’t betray their best friends this deeply, just the women they promise to love. Simply put, these are men without honor. If you're going to cheat, give the common courtesy to the other party that you would demand yourself: Leave the relationship.
I’ve told men as much and many say, "It's not that simple." Well, if it's not simple, then perhaps you might think about the potential consequences of cheating.
Please note that I say all this as a man who has had more than ample opportunity to cheat. While writing my book, I met with over 1,200 women (and have spoken with thousands more since its publishing), with many of these meetings happening over a meal or other private-ish locations — but all away from my wife.
Have I ever been tempted? Sure, I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that many of these women were attractive (with many openly flirting with me). But there was no chance I would ever cheat.
If I made that choice, my wife may not have known, but I would have. I would have had to look her in the eye — my wife, my friend — knowing that I had recently humiliated her, devalued our relationship, and sacrificed my honor. Sorry, not this guy.
Is cheating 'just what guys do?' Some men can work out in their heads that cheating is "just what guys do." Studies from 2009 claim that men were more likely than women to assume their partners would cheat in the future.
Yeah, okay, who are you trying to convince, pal? Me or you?
Men, here’s the bottom line: If you want to be married, be married. If you want to sleep with other people, talk about it — or at least have the common decency to leave her first.
There’s no need to transform yourself into a jerk while you trample on her self-esteem. And ladies, I would never suggest that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a fact, but before you take him back because you "love him so much," you need to think about how much you love and value yourself. Because by cheating on you, he just showed you how much he doesn’t care.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series, The Problem with Women… is Men.