10 Mistakes Parents Often Make That Set Their Kids Up For Massive Failure
Are you doing more harm than good when it comes to raising your child?
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock We live in an increasingly stressful world, which is why it has never been more important to foster emotional and mental resiliency in our children. Not only are mentally strong kids better prepared to tackle future problems on their own, but studies have found that they’re also more likely to be engaged in school and their future jobs.
For people wondering how to be a good parent, here's some parenting advice for you: avoid doing these things that set your kids up to fail. It won't be easy but learning to overcome these mistakes can help you raise your kids in the best possible way.
Here are mistakes parents often make that set their kids up for massive failure:
1. Refusing to let your kid take any risks whatsoever
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Parents don't do their children any favors by removing any chance of risk in their lives. The way you "protect" your child often ends up crippling their ability to act like an adult. When you step out of the picture, they will not be able to navigate the world on their own, setting them up for massive failure.
2. Telling kids they're not capable of handling their own problems
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This is a classic mistake a lot of middle-class and upper-class parents make, and I’ve seen what it does to kids long-term. When kids are repeatedly told that they aren’t capable of doing something, they’ll eventually believe it, even when they actually could manage on their own. I’ve seen more than my fair share of former classmates who had this form of learned helplessness.
According to a 2022 study, when parents frequently tell their children they are not capable of handling their problems, it can significantly harm a child's self-esteem, confidence, and ability to develop effective coping mechanisms. This can lead to potential issues like anxiety, depression, and difficulty with independent decision-making in adulthood. This is often associated with an overprotective or helicopter parenting style.
3. Making your love conditional on your kid's ability to succeed
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Do you know that whole concept of “tiger parenting” people were talking about back in the 90s? Yeah, this was often a way parents pushed their kids to do better in school.
Speaking from personal run-ins with kids of tiger parents, this isn’t healthy. Most kids who have parents that pull this deal with crippling anxiety, and some even develop narcissistic personality disorder as a result of it.
4. Telling your kid they should never fail
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Nope! Failure is a part of life. Every great person who has ever made history has failed before they made it to the big leagues. If you’re telling your kiddo that they can’t fail, you’re dissuading them from taking the risks they need to grow.
Moreover, being able to handle failure is a really important life skill. Are you comfortable robbing them of the skill it takes to get back up after they fail? This can negatively impact their development by creating a fear of failure, hindering resilience, and distorting their perception of reality.
A 2022 study concluded that it often stems from a parent's overprotective or overly optimistic attitude, which can lead to issues with self-esteem and coping mechanisms when faced with challenges later in life. Instead of focusing on not failing, parents can encourage children to view challenges as opportunities for growth and learning from mistakes.
5. Trying to get your kids awards and merit by unethical means
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I understand the urge parents feel to help their kids succeed at any cost — really, I do. But you have to understand that parents who don’t let kids earn their way set their kids up for a rude awakening once real life hits.
Real life is, to a very large point, a meritocracy. If your kid doesn’t learn to compete and use their connections on their own, you should expect them to lose out on major life skills.
6. Overseeing your kid's every move
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As a person who grew up with helicopter parenting, I can honestly say nothing good happens from it. Hovering over your child, doing their homework for them, and living vicariously through them is not healthy. It’s a pathological form of obsession, and speaking as someone who knows a lot of kids who were products of Heli-parents, it destroys kids in the long term.
Most of the kids I know who were products of helicopter parents have a hard time functioning as adults. Those who do well often resent their parents or go completely no-contact with them to live a normal life.
While some helicopter parents may focus heavily on academics, studies suggest that excessive intervention can sometimes hurt a child's motivation and learning process. A review published by Frontiers in Psychology recommended open communication and allowing children some degree of autonomy while providing support can mitigate potential adverse effects.
7. Being super-strict with your kids
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Believe it or not, strict parenting does not a healthy child make. Parents who are too restrictive often will have children who are anxiety-riddled adults, or children who end up rebelling so hard that they snap under their issues.
Most kids who grow up this way do not become successful because of their parents’ guidance; those who do become successful do so despite their parents’ intervention.
8. Not prioritizing quality family time
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Did you ever meet adults who had distant parents who never really spent time getting to know their kid? I have, and the outcome is really sad. I assure you that you don’t want to have this happen with your children, simply because it impacts their ability to have healthy relationships with others so terribly.
When parents don't prioritize family time, children can experience adverse effects, including lower self-esteem, difficulty with social interactions, increased anxiety, feelings of insecurity, poor emotional regulation, and potential behavioral problems. They feel emotionally neglected and lack a strong sense of connection with their parents.
According to a 2023 study, intentionally creating dedicated family time with focused attention and positive interactions can mitigate adverse effects.
9. Putting down or mocking your kid's interests
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I can’t name how many adults I know who suffer serious consequences because their parents didn’t emphasize the importance of self-esteem or because their parents would tear them apart over the dreams they had.
I’ve witnessed so many people who have gone into fields they hated, simply because they were terrified of what they’d hear their parents say if they followed their dreams. Some even committed suicide.
Having seen the importance of telling your children to enjoy life and feel good about themselves, parents who wreck their children’s self-esteem through cutting remarks are making horrible mistakes.
10. Having a favorite kid
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To date, I have never seen a functional family that played favorites with their kids. Most kids who end up being the black sheep of the family also tend to do better than the “golden child” their parents prefer.
Unsurprisingly, the black sheep of the family rarely maintain contact with their parents, and the so-called golden child tends to bail once their parents ask for help. Food for thought, isn’t it?
When parents have a favorite child, it can significantly negatively impact the child perceived as less favored, often leading to lowered self-esteem, increased anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and difficulties in sibling relationships, even extending into adulthood.
At the same time, a 2018 study found that the favorite child may also experience pressure to maintain that favored status, and potential relationship difficulties later in life.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.