Xennial Therapist Reveals 8 Ways Younger Generations Overparent Their Kids
A kid-centric world overwhelms parents and sets kids up for failure.
StockSnap | Canva As a xennial therapist, I see so many parents are stressed, overwhelmed, and guilty nowadays, which I attribute directly to our child-centered culture. Parents feel they must enrich, validate, and engage with their kids constantly, which is different from previous eras of child-rearing.
Parents struggle with getting their kids to play independently or fight their battles. This leads to kids feeling fragile, dependent on adults to meet even their most fleeting “need” (aka want), anxious about growing up, and bad for kids’ sense of burgeoning self-reliance.
Here are the ways younger generations overparent their kids:
1. Talking to their kids when they are doing other stuff, or when the kids don’t want to talk
Your anxiety about your children thinking you don’t care about them, or your guilt over having been apart from them, makes you interrupt them from something they are happily engaged in and stress both of you out. Instead, you could let them be happy and take a break and go be happy yourself.
2. Praising a kid when they haven't made a big effort
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Unless you’re impressed or they made a big effort at something, this type of overpraising backfires and weakens your child’s confidence.
3. Solving a kid's problems instead of asking questions
Letting your kid solve their problems may make you anxious because you’re giving up the illusion of control, and you want to keep telling your kid exactly how to handle their life.
I say “illusion” because your kid isn’t going to do everything you say anyway, and if they did, it would be a bigger problem that would speak to a lack of confidence in their decision-making and self-efficacy.
4. Not sharing the unflattering stories from your life, including the ones where your judgment was terrible
Knowing you drank so much you threw up at prom is, strangely, a great thing for your teen to hear. It makes them feel closer to you, and they are more likely to confide in you about their mess-ups.
Was there ever a kid in the history of the world who said, “You know, since Mom insists she never got drunk before she was 21, I guess I’ll wait till then too”? Holding back stories of your poor choices makes you seem distant and unrelatable to your child, and it is also stressful for you to pretend to be perfect. being?"
5. Failing to show them what an affectionate adult relationship looks like
Our puritanical culture coupled with a hyper-focus on “not traumatizing kids” leads to many parents refusing to discuss intimacy with their kids. All this does is leave your child with no information and the idea of marriage as a joyless desert of childrearing.
6. Refusing to give your kid chores
If your children are jerks about you assigning chores, make their money or chauffeur service dependent on the chores.
The more your child learns to do at a young age, the more automatically they can do things around the house as an adult. Think of it as helping them be a better roommate, spouse, or entrepreneur one day.
Also, stop doing chores you don’t like and outsource them to your kids. You do enough stuff, like providing food and shelter and probably a college savings account, to have to also do stuff you hate.
7. Letting your kids stay up as late as you
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If they are old enough to stay up later, have it only be in their rooms while doing something quiet like reading, and you have said goodnight before that time starts.
You and your partner, or just you, need at least 1–2 hours of child-free time per night to be a fully functioning adult. If this hurts your child’s feelings, introspect deeply about what you have unintentionally taught them to think that parents wanting to hang out without kids is a bad thing.
8. Using self-deprecating language
So many parents are self-deprecating, it makes me cringe. Your child has your DNA. Stop stressing (explicitly or implicitly) negative things about yourself. Talk up your victories and toot your own horn. Tell them when they are smart like you or funny like you.
Observe, “You are independent like me.” Stop building your kid up while tearing yourself down or even just while failing to build yourself up equally.
Kids do what you do, not what you say. One time hearing, “You’re great at math like me” is more valuable than 15 vague “You’re so smart” comments, even the kid thinks it may be unreal. This last one is less about overparenting and more about being a role model for a happy, successful, and confident adult.
If you allow parenting to grow all-encompassing, you and your partner (or you, yourself, and your friends/family/interests if you’re single) have no time without the constant pressure of attending to your kids. This hyper-focus on the children to the exclusion of the self/couple is bad for your marriage, your self-esteem, and your children’s sense of calm and confidence in the world.
Many overparented kids I see as young adults do not want kids themselves, because their parents’ lives seemed so burdened and uninteresting, filled with only work and childcare.
Imagine being so consumed with your kids that, while they don’t doubt your love for them for a minute, they conceive of adulthood as crushing servitude towards children, and therefore try to delay it as long as possible. This is the ironic reality that I see every day in my practice.
Furthermore, many parents eventually divorce because they did not pay their relationship the attention it needed and put it on the back burner for the entirety of the child’s life. This gives your child a dismal outlook on adult relationships, as well as, of course, the stress of a divorce.
Opening your mind to the perspective that overparenting isn’t doing your child any favors is the way to enjoy your own life and model a happy and fulfilled adulthood while also being a good parent.
Note: Do not take any of these to an extreme. For example, there are times you need to interrupt your kids when they are happily reading a book because dinner is on the table. Instead, try to use the points to examine how you may have unintentionally been making parenting more onerous than it needs to be.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.