Parents With These 9 Bad Habits Usually Don't Stay Close To Their Adult Kids
Certain behaviors lead to estrangement and dysfunction.
BearFotos | Shutterstock As people grow older, their relationships with their parents change. They establish their own independent, adult lives, and no longer need the kind of constant care their parents provided when they were young.
These shifts aren’t always easy for parents and their adult children to navigate, because they require both parties to establish new ways to communicate.
Some parents struggle to relate to their kids as they enter adulthood and the distance between them grows. Parents with certain bad habits usually don't stay close to their adult kids, unless they make a concerted effort to hear what their kids need now that they're grown up.
Here are 9 bad habits of parents who usually don't stay close to their adult kids
1. Micromanaging
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We often think about micromanaging in professional situations, like a boss who needs to approve every small decision their employees make. But micromanaging can also occur in personal relationships, especially between parents and their adult children.
When people are young, it makes sense that a parent would involve themselves in most aspects of their kids' lives. After all, their role as parents is to protect and provide for their children, which requires them to pay close attention to details and make certain executive decisions. Yet as kids grow and get ready to leave the nest, it's important for parents to let them make choices on their own, even if those choices lead to failure.
In order to mature emotionally, young adults need to try new things and decide how they want to run their lives, which is rarely a seamless process. Mistakes will be made, and parents need to hold space for their adult kids to mess up. Humans learn through experience, so when parents are overprotective or over-involved, their kids aren't given the opportunity to absorb valuable life lessons.
It's one thing for an adult child to ask for their parents' advice, and it's something else altogether for a parent to make decisions for them. In order to figure out what they want, people need to try walking different paths, which isn't always easy. Even if a parent thinks their adult child's choices don't suit them, they should hold off on sharing their opinion, so their kids have a chance to determine their own lifestyle.
2. Refusing to recognize growth
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It can be hard for parents to accept that their kids aren't kids anymore, yet parents who refuse to recognize growth usually don't stay close to their adult children. A parent who treats their 30-year-old daughter as if she's still a teenager is likely to alienate her, as she'll probably feel like she isn't being seen for who she is, now.
Parents might refer back to behavior patterns their children haven't enacted since they were young, which makes people feel like their parents don't know who they are as adults. This habit can show up in subtle ways, like a parent who always expects their adult child to be late to family functions, even though their sense of time-management has improved as they've matured. It might manifest as being critical of their child's decision to attend a particular college or start a specific job.
By not acknowledging that their kids have entered adulthood, parents not only undermine their children's independence, they erode their sense of self-worth. The lack of recognition that their kids have grown creates a sense of emotional distance, which can be difficult to bridge unless parents agree to see their adult children as the adults they've become.
3. Comparing them to others
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Comparing their grown children to others is a bad habit of parents who usually don't stay close to their adult kids.
Parents might assess their adult children according to their personal expectations, which denies their kids agency to make their own life choices. They might wonder why their kid isn't as successful or as motivated as their friend's kids are, which holds them up to standards that actually have nothing to do with them. They might even compare one child to their other child, which can severely damage their relationship and cause tension to erupt between siblings.
Maybe they tell their son who's trying to make it as an actor that they wish he'd just settle down and start a family, like his sister did. This kind of barbed comment shows that the parents believe their son's life choices are less valuable than their daughter's. The act of comparing an adult child to anyone else signifies that a parent doesn't fully accept who their child has become.
Parents don't have to love every decision their kids make in adulthood, but they do have to respect the fact that they're allowed to design their own lives. When parents repeatedly express their disapproval by comparing their adult kids to others, it's highly likely that their kids will limit their communication.
4. Financial manipulation
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Setting financial boundaries with family members can be incredibly difficult. It's very hard to separate money issues and emotions, because people's financial habits are often determined by the way they were raised to think about money.
A parent who financially manipulates their adult children uses money to keep their kids dependent on them and have control over their lives. They offer their adult children financial help, but those offers always come with strings attached. For example, a financially manipulative parent might say they'll help their adult child buy a house, but only if the house is in the same town they live in. They might offer to help pay for their grandchildren's daycare, but then expect unlimited access to their grandchildren's time, in return.
Trauma therapist Jordan Pickell explained that parents who use money to influence their adult kids' behavior might do so out of anxiety or misguided care, but it can also be a sign of emotional abuse. Pickell described financial manipulation as "A particularly effective and covert abuse tactic because it can seem like a natural extension of the parent/child relationship."
Parents might pay their adult childrens' bills but threaten to cut them off for making a decision the parents don't approve of. They might insist that their adult kids' live with them or account for every dollar they spend. "Whether it's abuse or unintentional sabotage, financial dependence can make you feel unsure of yourself," Pickell stated. "If your parent holds their financial support over your head, you might feel helpless to make decisions or set boundaries."
In a situation where finances are being used as a method of coercive control, Pickell advised people to set clear boundaries and create a sense of emotional and physical distance, so that they can establish their financial independence.
5. Holding grudges
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A parent who can't move on from mistakes usually won't stay close to their adult kids. They keep old arguments alive and use the past to justify their present behavior, which makes it hard to maintain a strong emotional connection.
According to a study published in "Qualitative Psychology," a grudge can be defined as "sustained feelings of hurt and anger that dissipate over time but are easily reignited." The researchers found several core components of holding a grudge, including moral superiority, an inability to let go, a need for validation, and severing ties.
They concluded that holding grudges is "A cyclical process characterized by persistent negative affect and intrusive thoughts that interfere with one's quality of life." They noted that the intensity of the thoughts lessen over time, leading to a sense of passive acceptance, yet the "negativity is lurking in the back of their minds waiting to be summoned when needed."
When parents don't accept apologies or refuse to acknowledge that their children changed in adulthood, they run the risk of their kids cutting off communication.
6. Judging their choices
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Another bad habit parents have that usually leads their adult children to go low-contact or no-contact is being judgmental of their life choices. While it might be well-intentioned, constant criticism leaves a negative impact that's hard to ignore, especially if it has to do with an adult child's parenting style.
Parents might not agree with how their adult children choose to raise their own kids, but they do have to respect them, which means not ignoring their boundaries or undermining their parenting decisions. This means they shouldn't list off the reasons that gentle parenting is a sham or declare that being gluten-intolerant is a made-up condition.
Constant criticism wears people down, until they reach a point where they can't abide it any longer. Even if parents' comments are well-intentioned, it comes off as though they're trying to control their adult kids' lives. The more that parents point out what their adult kids are doing wrong, the more likely it is that their relationship will become strained.
7. Demanding constant attention
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It isn't easy for parents to watch their kids grow up, as part of that process means acknowledging that their kids don't need them as much as they used to. A college student might only call their parents back once every few weeks. A new mom might not send text updates on the baby as often as her own mom wants, but accepting the boundaries their kids establish is essential to having a healthy adult relationship.
It's highly likely that a parent who inundates their adult child with texts when they're at work won't get the response they want. An adult child might initiate less communication with a parent who asks for constant attention, because they feel so overwhelmed by their demands.
A parent who seeks external validation from their children usually doesn't stay close to their kids once they've reached adulthood. Parents who demand constant attention make their kids feel overwhelmed, smothered, or responsible for their well-being, which aren't healthy requirements for any relationship.
8. Overemphasizing old traditions
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Another bad habit parents have that can cause tension with their adult children is relying on traditions that no longer suit their lifestyle. For example, if a parent insists their adult children come over on Christmas morning, it sends the message that any new tradition their children have with their own kids is less important.
Being part of a functional, healthy family requires its members to allow for and accept change. Being flexible and understanding are essential qualities for parents to cultivate with their adult children.
They have to let go of the past in order to make way for the future. Holidays and family vacations might look different than they used to, but establishing new traditions is a way for parents to stay close to their adult kids.
9. Showing conditional love
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Parents who give their love and affection in a conditional way usually don't stay close to their adult kids.
When children are raised by parents who offer love on a conditional basis, they're taught that their self-worth is tied to how well they meet their parents' expectations. That mentality not only deeply affects how they see themselves, it also has a major impact on how they form attachments and show up to relationships as adults.
A parent who provides unconditional love to their children lets them know they are loved for exactly who they are, no extra conditions or stipulations attached. Accepting their kids as is sends the most important message of all: That they are enough, no matter what.
Conditional love from parents often leads adult children to develop an insecure attachment style. Parents who continue to only offer love conditionally to their adult children often end up estranged from them. While estrangement isn't a decision anyone makes lightly, it can provide the protection and distance that adult children need to work on their own healing.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.