6 Lies Narcissistic Parents Teach Their Kids To Believe, According To Parenting Experts
These false beliefs don’t just shape your childhood, they quietly follow you into adulthood.
Shahin Khalaji | Unsplash Spoiler alert: The HBO family saga, Succession, is a deliciously sadistic, four-season study in narcissistic parenting. Anyone familiar with the show already knows that the Rupert Murdoch-esque patriarch of the fictional family, Logan Roy, seems to love toying with and, ultimately, emotionally wrecking his four adult kids — Kendall, Shiv, Roman, and the guy played by Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Logan's narcissism manifests itself through his all-too-clear desire to dominate, degrade, belittle, and otherwise intimidate his offspring as they compete to take over the family's sprawling media empire after their dad steps down as CEO. As a full-blown narcissistic parent, Logan knows exactly how to manipulate his kids into humiliating themselves for their dad's amusement.
Of course, characters in a primetime socio-drama like Succession have the luxury of simply not existing between episodes. What's significant about the character dynamic explored so thoroughly through the lens of the show's creators is that emotionally abusive behavior like Logan Roy's toward his kids isn't fiction. It's a real problem in too many real families.
To better understand how narcissistic parenting can influence an adult's mental health, we reached out to a panel of parenting experts to ask: What are the damaging lies we learn from narcissistic parents?
Here are the lies narcissistic parents teach their kids to believe:
1. 'You'll never be good enough'
Young children learn what is “true” and “untrue” about themselves, other people, and the world at large largely from their parents. As an expert in self-deception, I use quotations that I say are “true and untrue” because many of the conclusions we make in early childhood are objectively false and can cause psychological harm to us as we age.
This is particularly true for children of narcissistic parents because they are observing and learning from grandiose, attention-seeking adults who often lack empathy for others — including their child.
Love is earned … and you’ll never be good enough. Often narcissistic parents communicate that perfection is necessary to be loved. In this way, not only is love conditional but it requires children to meet an ideal that no one can achieve — being perfect according to who their parent wants them to be. When internalized, this lie can seriously hurt the self-esteem of children.
2. 'People will always disappoint you'
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People with narcissistic traits are generally disappointed by other people, often because they fail to admire them in the way the narcissist wants. One consequence of this is that their children learn that trusting and connecting to others intimately is unsafe and disappointing.
3. 'Your needs don’t matter'
Because narcissistic parents often believe that they are the most important person in the world, the needs of their children are often invalidated and overlooked. In this way, children often feel invisible as if their thoughts, feelings, and experiences aren’t important.
4. 'Love is competitive'
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren, narcissistic parents are often wary of their children getting close to other people — and will actively manipulate or undermine their children’s relationships with others. Consequently, children learn to hide their true emotions, keep secrets, and compartmentalize their relationships to stay safe.
5. 'Your worth is dependent on what you achieve'
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According to marriage and family therapist Mary Kay Cocharo, another unfortunate learning from narcissistic parents is that your worth is dependent on your accomplishments and ability to look good to the outside world. A parent may only be interested and connected to their child when they're performing in ways that are a positive reflection on them.
Another insidious learning from a narcissistic parent is the idea that the child is never quite good enough. This leads to feelings of shame and the idea that he can never really amount to anything. He is only valuable and loveable when behaving in ways that the father approves.
6. 'Pursue perfection at all costs'
According to positive psychology practitioner Lisa Newman, narcissistic parents are inherently competitive. Their communication usually includes a continual stream of subtle putdowns and outright criticism because it’s highly confronting to the adult narcissist for their child to become accomplished in any way that threatens their superiority. This applies to everything — academic accomplishments, sports, manners, friends, love interests, invitations, and every aspect of appearance.
Not only is this demoralizing for children as they are learning and growing, but it also sets up a situation where the child tries to earn love by becoming more perfect and more accomplished. If a child succeeds to the extent that it reflects glory to the narcissistic parent, the parent will often then credit themselves for the accomplishment. Either way, the child learns that love is conditional.
As you can imagine this sets the stage for a lifelong struggle of perfectionism and never feeling good enough. And that’s a damaging lie. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to be perfect to earn love and that you’re good enough just as you are.
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for newspapers in Florida and for various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
