Kids Who Ignore Their Parents Once They Grow Up Usually Have These 12 Reasons
Sometimes growing up to be independent means cutting ties.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Relationships between parents and children become increasingly complicated as children grow up. Navigating this new stage of being someone’s kid while being a responsible adult can be difficult. Newfound freedom and independence can also mean that wounds and resentment from childhood may fester and drive a wedge between children and their parents.
A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed that 6% of adult children reported being estranged from their mother, while 26% reported the same for their father. These significant numbers prove that kids ignoring their parents has become quite common in society. The reasons for this vary from unresolved childhood trauma to being overly caught up in one’s own adult life.
Here are 12 reasons kids ignore their parents once they grow up:
1. They had overbearing parents that smothered their independence.
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Most kids picture their adult lives as truly being their own. It’s an exciting time to discover who you are and what you want to do with your life without as much familial interference. But, for many kids, this is not their reality.
A research team from the University of Virginia found that more than 27% of parents wanted to be best friends with their adult children. While this may be fine for some, others will surely enjoy the space to spread their wings and live on their terms. Meanwhile, many parents want to stay very close.
This percentage of parents that want to be best friends would likely be concerning for some kids. Being pushed into a friendship relationship when you feel a natural tendency to pull away would be difficult. If parents don’t understand that their kids need their space, they risk alienating them completely.
2. They're too busy building their own lives to deal with parental drama.
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When kids embark on adult life, they face the same challenges their parents did — finding and keeping a job, falling in love, and starting a family. As their parents know from firsthand experience, these aren’t easy things to do.
In addition to how long one may spend on work depending on their schedule, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that when adults did housework, it typically took more than two hours. Caring for young children took even more time. Meanwhile, the age group that spent the most time on leisure activities was those over 75.
If parents spend most of their time on leisure activities, it could be easy to forget how difficult it can be to balance a young family with a job. Some adult children may not be purposefully pulling away from their parents but must keep up with life’s responsibilities.
3. They carry unresolved childhood trauma.
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As much as we all wish it weren’t true, children often go through many hard things. The CDC called these adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs. ACEs are “preventable, potentially traumatic events” that have “numerous negative outcomes.” A survey found that 63.9% of adults in the U.S. experienced an ACE when they were younger.
If one or both of a kid’s parents were responsible for their ACE, it’s only natural that that child would pull away and want to diminish any relationship that existed between them and their parents. Even if their parents weren’t directly responsible for an ACE, likely, many kids would still hold them accountable for the bad things that happened to them as a child.
This would create a serious barrier to cultivating a positive relationship once that child is an adult. Understandably, they wouldn’t want to be particularly close with a parent who caused an ACE and would even choose to ignore them.
4. They feel overlooked while a sibling is treated like the golden child.
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We all know what it looks like — whether purposely or not, one child is treated as the favorite in a family. Some experts refer to this as “golden child syndrome,” which can have significant and lasting effects on the child not shown such favoritism.
Theresa Lupcho, LPC, said that parents who follow this model are often “narcissistic” and “controlling.” This can cause resentment in any child and affect how the golden child and their siblings view themselves, leading to decreased self-esteem.
If you always felt like you were second best growing up, it makes sense that you might distance yourself from your parents, the people who made you feel that way, for your safety and self-preservation. A kid who was ignored during childhood may decide they should ignore their parents in adulthood.
5. They suffer from intrusive parents that undermine their adult decisions.
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Imagine growing up and thinking you can finally do things your way, only for your parents to step in and say you’re doing it wrong. Parents may try to insert themselves into their kids ' lives and do things they shouldn't, whether it’s related to their romantic relationship, raising children, professional life, or even friendships.
According to Dr. Rachel Glik, EdD, LPC, “Some parents have certain expectations that accompany their active involvement in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. This can feel like a personal agenda for their love and can make adult children feel they can’t be free to be who they are. Whether it’s about the partner they choose, their identity, or the way they parent or live their lives, our sons and daughters will naturally want to distance [themselves] if they do not feel you trust them to make choices that feel right for them — even if you feel concerned and don’t relate to their choices.”
Parents may be used to having a lot of control over their kids’ lives from times when they were younger, but adults can make decisions for themselves. And sometimes, those decisions will lead them to cut off their parents.
6. They feel unsupported and unappreciated.
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Some kids don’t feel adequately supported or appreciated by their parents. That may be through no genuine fault of their parents — they may be under the impression that they’re doing plenty. A National Center for Health Statistics report showed that nearly 20% of teenagers felt they “rarely” or “never” got the support they needed. Meanwhile, only about 3% of parents agreed with this data.
Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph.D., MPH, LCSW-R, CGP, said children not feeling properly supported by their parents “can lead to cutting off, distancing and disengaged family relationships.” If you don’t feel like your parents help you, it makes sense that you would choose to ignore them. Many would wonder why their parents deserve any support when they never gave any.
7. Their parents overreact to everything.
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Some children will choose to distance themselves from their parents because they feel they have no choice. Maybe their parents are overbearing, or they feel like they need time to move past something from their childhood. Some parents will accept this for what it is, but others will do everything possible to resist this distancing.
Jessica Jefferson, a marriage and family therapist, said, “Children tend to distance themselves from parents when they feel their needs for a healthy relationship aren’t being met. As parents, the best response is to respect their boundaries, reflect on any behaviors that may have contributed to the distance, and focus on making positive changes when they’re ready to reconnect.”
Understandably, parents would try to end any distancing their children put into place, but sometimes it’s necessary for the kid’s happiness. The best thing to do is to accept this time for what it is instead of fighting back. That will only lead kids to pull away further.
8. They prioritize their own happiness over toxic family obligations.
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Of course, it is important to prioritize yourself and your needs. However, there is a point at which this can become toxic. Some kids may be so focused on their happiness that they ignore how their parents feel.
Psychologist and author Joshua Coleman pointed out that today’s culture emphasizes one’s “chosen” family. To be there for them, adult children may lose sight of any ties or responsibilities to their biological family.
If you don’t prioritize your family, those relationships will naturally fall by the wayside, and parents will feel ignored. Whether intentional or not, this can drive a wedge between kids and parents.
9. Their parents' unresolved issues are too much to handle.
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We all face challenges. Some parents' challenges may be too much for their children to overcome.
For example, an article published by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration noted that children who grow up in a home where one or both parents deal with substance abuse issues are more likely to deal with that same problem themselves or face behavioral or socioeconomic issues. Similarly, children whose parents live with mental illness are more likely to develop it themselves or to struggle with behavior and academics, an article in Frontiers in Psychiatry said.
If parents are dealing with serious issues for which they refuse to get help or their kids cannot handle seeing them in such a state, it’s possible the kids would choose to ignore them for their self-preservation.
10. They have different beliefs and values than their parents.
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Beliefs and values are a powerful thing. They can be what bonds people together or what separates them. Often, when you are very young, you agree with your parents. It’s just the natural thing to do. As you look up to them, you assume they are always right.
Getting older and gaining your perspective can change this, though. Authors and researchers Joshua Coleman and Karl Andrew Pillemer told the BBC that they believed “political polarization” is to blame for many estrangements. Writing for The New Yorker, Anna Russell shared the story of a woman named Amy who struggled growing up in her parents’ conservative household and eventually cut ties with them after developing a more liberal value system and marrying a Jewish man.
While it’s nice to believe you can still get along with people regardless of their beliefs, sometimes that isn’t possible. If a kid feels like their parents' values are causing harm to them or perhaps to the world at large, they may choose to ignore them.
11. They are influenced by others to cut off toxic family ties.
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While it is ultimately the child’s decision whether to stay connected to their parents, outside factors — and people — may influence that choice. Loved ones may encourage this out of concern.
Psychology Today contributor Peg Streep said estrangement is “often set in motion by a third party’s comments and observations (a spouse, partner, friend or therapist) or by the adult child’s own recognition that the mistreatment is being extended to his or her own children.”
People who care about you are likelier to point out bad behavior that you prefer to sweep under the rug. Their support and encouragement can be the thing that pushes an adult child to finally cut off contact with family members, like parents, with whom they have a toxic relationship.
12. They are forced into estrangement by their own manipulative relationships.
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Conversely, there are times when someone close to an adult child, particularly a romantic partner, will push them to ignore their parents for their own reasons. They want to manipulate this person and monopolize their time, so they do everything they can to keep others who care for them as far away from them as possible.
An article from the Newport Institute stated, “Sometimes family estrangement is the result of an abusive relationship between an adult child and their significant other. The partner or spouse may not like the parents, or they may believe the parents don’t like them and want to break up the parent-child relationship. So they attempt to keep the adult child away from their family members.”
These kinds of toxic relationships can lead to severed family relationships and make one believe their family is the one who is truly bad for them. It’s a bad situation and one that often requires help to get out of.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.