Adult Children With These 8 Traits Often Cause Their Parents To Distance Themselves
It's not always a parent's fault for an estrangement.
fizkes | Shutterstock Conversations around parent-child relationships can lead to striking revelations about neglect, selfish actions, or a lack of a close parental relationship. Though there's no denying the impact parents have on children, the reasons for their coldness in adulthood isn't always the parents' fault.
Most parents their best to build healthy relationships with their children, forming a bond that will last a lifetime. Unfortunately, there are certain traits of adult children who often cause their parents to want to distance themselves once they are grown.
Not all adult children appreciate their parents' efforts and may actually be the cause of an estrangement. This eventually creates a domino effect where their once beautiful relationship is no more.
Here are 8 traits of adult children who often cause their parents to want to distance themselves
1. Entitled
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Adult children who are entitled often cause their parents to want to distance themselves. This isn't an easy decision for parents, as they've watched their child grow and reach important milestones.
But having an entitled child can be unbearable, especially once that child grows into a full adult. An entitled adult often has a victim mentality, is incredibly selfish, lacks empathy, and doesn't express gratitude for what they have or what their parents have given them.
Parents do their best to raise kind and considerate children, so to have their hard work go down the drain is a slap in the face. Yet it's important for parents to not be too hard on themselves. They should realize that just because this person is their child, it doesn't mean parents owe their grown children a thing. As adults, they need to stand on their own two feet and learn that their entitlement has consequences.
2. Manipulative
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Adult children who often cause their parents to want to distance themselves can be extremely manipulative. Sitting across from their parents, these adult children will use their tears or past experiences to get what they want out of a situation.
Parents might constantly hear, "Please, I just need a little help," from their adult children, but along with other requests, these favors usually end up with exhausted parents who feel used. It may also lead to parents asking themselves if all this effort is worth it, and how going along with these requests without consideration is harmful.
According to Jamie Cannon MS, LPC, "Manipulators are experts at understanding, and using, others' emotions to get what they want... It causes self-doubt and will drive you to question your own sense of reality." Cannon added that victims of emotional manipulation experience paranoia, difficulty trusting others, and an increase in anxiety.
All of this considered, parents should never feel bad for wanting to distance themselves from manipulative people, even if that manipulative person is their grown adult child.
3. Disrespectful
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Another of the traits of adult children who often cause their parents to want to distance themselves is a lack of respect. It's not uncommon for parents and their adult kids to get into an argument and say things that are hurtful. Yet constant disrespect can cause even the strongest relationships to crumble.
Being disrespected leads to contempt in relationships. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is one of the Four Horsemen, which are predictors of divorce. However, they can certainly be applied to familial relationships, too. Additionally, a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that being disrespected had a greater impact on feelings of aggression than being disliked.
Disrespectful adult children sometimes lead to an estranged relationship between themselves and their parents. But parents shouldn't tolerate behavior like this, no matter what.
4. Reckless
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Adult children who make reckless decisions cause their parents to distance themselves or feel like they can no longer have their kids in their life. No parent wants to see their child harmed or going down a dark path, but parents can only do so much before their efforts become pointless.
If parents have tried counseling, group therapy, meditation, traveling, or talking about their feelings and it's still not enough, it might be high time to let things go. If not, parents risk putting their mental health in jeopardy. Because, according to the National Alliance on Mental Health California, "Untreated mental health conditions can result in unnecessary disability, unemployment, substance abuse, homelessness, inappropriate incarceration... and poor quality of life."
Parents of adult children who act recklessly without any remorse should prioritize their well-being first. Otherwise, it can ruin their lives and cause an even bigger rift.
5. Scapegoater
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Adult children may find that their parents distance themselves due to their tendency to blame their parents for everything. Adult children need to understand that not everything is their parents' fault; for instance, their parents didn't cause them to break up with their partner or to avoid taking a job opportunity. Sometimes, the reason why their life didn't turn out the way they wanted to falls on their own two shoulders.
Unfortunately, most of these adult children don't quite understand that or don't care, causing their parents to want to distance themselves. In the end, taking accountability could have potentially saved their relationship with their parents and made their bond stronger.
Parents of adult children who are "blamers" or "scapegoaters" shouldn't be hard on themselves. They can't force their kids to see reason. And sometimes, parents must make the difficult decision of distancing themselves from their children if they want to keep their mental health in check.
6. Unappreciative
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Another trait of adult children who cause their parents to want to distance themselves is showing zero appreciation for their parents' sacrifices. They don't care about all the things their parents provided for them, or how their parents had to work extremely hard to give them the opportunities they, themselves, may not have been afforded.
If these adults lived a privileged life for far too long, it can be hard to make them see reason, leading to parents cutting ties altogether. The truth is, no matter how hard these parents worked, their adult kids will never appreciate what they have until it's far too late.
Though difficult, parents shouldn't regret their decision to distance themselves. Feeling unappreciated can lead to feelings of confusion, frustration, and overall heartache. All of this can negatively impact a person's mental health. And for parents, their happiness and peace should come first, even if it means cutting off the people they love.
7. Overly reactive
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People who overreact to criticism can damage the relationship with their parents. Overreacting causes tension and resentment to build up over time. They may scream at their parents, telling them they are being rude, without trying to understand their parents' intentions.
Even if their parents want to discuss their emotions and find healthy ways to move forward, a toxic adult child like this will not give in, and could potentially lead to estrangement. Unfortunately for parents who choose to keep their children in their lives, research published by the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that dealing with aggressive people is bad for a person's health. When looking at romantic relationships specifically, researchers determined that things like raised voices are detrimental.
But these results don't just apply to romantic relationships; they can also apply to parent-child relationships, giving parents another reason to not feel bad for wanting to distance themselves from their toxic adult children.
8. Inconsiderate
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One of the most glaring traits of adult children who often cause their parents to want to distance themselves is being inconsiderate. When parents make their boundaries crystal clear, it can feel like a punch in the gut when their children bulldoze those lines.
Parents set those boundaries for a reason, after all. Maybe they're struggling financially or their mental health has taken a turn for the worse. Regardless, not honoring boundaries can have major consequences.
According to the UC Davis Health, not having healthy boundaries leads to burnout. This is because boundaries are put in place to protect a person's mental and physical health. Unfortunately, it gives parents another valid reason to distance themselves from their adult kids, as they don't care about anyone but themselves.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.