Husband Concerned That His Wife Yells At Their 4-Year-Old Daughter Every Day & Has Started Keeping A Record Of Her Behavior
Her temper may indicate a deeper underlying issue.
fizkes | Shutterstock A dad has recently become concerned about his wife’s “emotionally abusive behavior” toward their 4-year-old daughter.
He suggested she go to therapy, but it only resulted in her projecting her anger onto him.
The husband asked for advice regarding his wife's yelling at his daughter every day.
In the r/parenting forum, he explained his daughter is an “amazing, smart, loving, confident 4.5-year-old girl.” Despite this, his wife routinely yells and becomes easily frustrated with her.
“She sometimes yells at her saying things like, ‘You are so ADD!’ or ‘You’re such a mess, you’re getting in the bath right now!’” he wrote in his post. “She yells at her pretty much every day in some way, shape, or form.”
fizkes | Shutterstock
He added how she frequently threatens to take away their daughter’s toys or cancel activities for her if she doesn’t listen. While these seem to be common parenting techniques when a child misbehaves, it feels excessive for a parent to yell at their child every day for minor inconveniences.
Kids will be kids, and they don’t always know better. Something deeper may be going on, and the mom may be struggling to navigate it herself.
“I’ve tried to step in and intervene, which always results in her just yelling at me as well,” he expressed. “I’ve tried talking to her about her behavior, suggested therapy, etc. I’m not sure what else to do at this point.”
NDAB Creativity | Shutterstock
For context, the dad explained he and his wife both work full-time, he does most of the household tasks and coordinates school pick up and drop off and other activities for their daughter.
He shared how her rage seems to have developed within the last year, and he believes she may be depressed. He’s begun keeping a record of her behaviors.
“I have already been keeping text notes of examples of this type of behavior and things she has said,” he wrote in a comment. “Actually shared a bunch of them with my therapist recently. I started keeping a record (both text notes and actual audio recordings) probably back in November.”
Reddit users theorized what the source of the mom’s anger could be.
Some individuals suggested that sudden feelings of anger could signify a medical concern or hormonal imbalance, like a brain tumor or perimenopause, and they advised the dad to consider taking his wife to get checked for any underlying problems contributing to her stress.
Others agreed the wife could benefit from therapy, and they suggested she may be harboring resentment toward her husband for not helping out enough. While he claimed he does a majority of house chores, Reddit users argued he should do more to help her out with their daughter.
“Your wife needs help from you. If you think what you have listed is equal division of labor, you are wrong,” one mom shared in the comments. “Your tasks have definitive beginnings and ends. Your tasks allow you to think and hear your own thoughts. Your tasks also don’t depend on the cooperation of someone who is still learning about logic and consequences. The amount of exhaustion to herd a 4-year-old to do the mundane daily things adds up. So if you want to help, don’t interject yourself after when things get annoying for your wife.”
What the mom seems to be experiencing is quite common and natural, as many moms find themselves overly reactive and overwhelmed when their needs aren’t being met, especially as they approach their perimenopausal stage.
According to Psych Central, a mother’s anger, also referred to as “mom rage,” can stem from a multitude of reasons, including unmet emotional needs and overstimulation. The best approach to work through, according to the outlet, is finding support in therapy and learning coping mechanisms, like mindfulness techniques, self-care routines, and physical activities.
The dad can only continue to be supportive and encourage his wife to seek therapy.
He is already on the right track by recognizing his wife is struggling and needs more support, and as long as he continues to take initiative and allow her time to rest and reflect, she can work through her anxiety and cultivate more patience and tranquility within herself.
Therapy can most certainly offer her an outlet to talk through her stress and help her find more clarity.
Parenting is a challenging job. It can take a toll on you and cause you to detach from yourself and your own needs. Because of this, sometimes parents tend to project their stress and frustration onto their kids, but this behavior will only cause the kids to grow up developing the same toxic patterns.
This is why parents need to work together and take care of each other so they can be the best version of themselves for their children.
Based on the man’s context, he appears to be doing his best to support his wife, but she isn’t receptive to his efforts. Hopefully, for their young daughter’s sake, he can help her realize she needs time to focus on healing herself, managing her temper, and releasing her pent-up rage and stress so she no longer projects it onto her family.
If you or someone you know has been a victim of child abuse, there are resources available to help. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) to speak with a crisis counselor 24/7.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.