7 Habits That Show You Didn't Get The Support You Needed As A Child From Your Mom
If these maternal behaviors feel all too familiar, they might be rooted in the support you didn’t get growing up.
Mikhail Nilov | pexels Whether we admit it or not, some moms are not emotionally supportive. I wish people would stop painting motherhood like it’s all sunshine and rainbows for everyone involved because it’s not always true. Our society doesn’t like to admit this, but some moms behave in ways that are way out of line.
What I always found interesting about mothers who behave in ways that are less than emotionally supportive to their children — who desperately yearn for their love — is that they tend to display the same behaviors, but will have different backgrounds and ways of doing it.
Here are the habits that show you didn't get the support you needed as a child from your mom:
1. She undermines your relationships
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I don’t know why so many moms do this to their kids, but it’s a thing. Maybe it’s because they are jealous of the male attention their kid’s getting. For example, she tells you that no one will ever love you unless you lose weight, dress nicer, insert insult.
2. She encourages you to put up toxic behavior from people
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No parent should ever do this, but a lot do. If your mother keeps telling you to be nicer and nicer to the people who are hurting you, it may be time to recognize she’s doing this to hurt you.
A mother's encouragement to tolerate abuse and infidelity can have a significant impact on a person's self-esteem, relationship choices, and overall well-being, potentially leading to a cycle of unhealthy behaviors. A 2014 study found that children who are raised in environments where abuse is normalized may have difficulty recognizing it later in life, making it harder for them to leave abusive relationships.
3. She shames you
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This is a blazing red alert that your mom has issues. A mother shaming her child can stem from various factors, including her insecurities, unresolved trauma, learned behaviors, and a desire for control, ultimately impacting the child's self-esteem and emotional well-being.
A mother who has internalized shame herself may project that shame onto her child, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Growing up with a shaming mother can have long-lasting adverse effects on a child's self-esteem, emotional regulation, and overall mental health.
4. She shows favoritism to one child over another
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Yikes on spikes, this is bad. If you’re the black sheep in the family, then you have reason to be angry. Perceived parental favoritism, even if unintentional, can negatively impact sibling relationships and the emotional well-being of children, potentially leading to issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, and strained relationships.
According to a 2010 study, while the non-favored child may experience the problems above, the favored child may also struggle with the pressure to maintain their perfect status, leading to performance anxiety and other issues.
5. She views you as competition or a threat
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Do you know how people who you’re competing with often will make subtle digs or try to subvert your work in one way or another? Yeah, if you’re a kid with a mean mom, you’ll pick up that same vibe from Mother Dearest.
6. She makes digs at your looks
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Constant criticism, especially regarding appearance, from a mother can negatively impact a child's self-esteem, body image, and mental health, potentially leading to issues like disordered eating and difficulties in relationships. According to a 2021 study, the effects of parental criticism can persist into adulthood, leading to a cycle of self-doubt and validation-seeking.
7. She’s extremely controlling
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Don’t ask me why, but a lot of mothers tend to have a sick pleasure out of controlling their kids — often banning stuff that makes them happy for no reason aside from upsetting them.
I’ll be the first to tell you that your mom’s behavior is not your fault. There’s nothing you can do to earn your mother’s love.
You are not imagining things. You deserve love, respect, privacy, and stability. Your mother betrayed you by not giving these things to you.
Despite everything, you can still have a good future ahead of you. It’s all about how you react to it all.
Don’t wait around for Mother Dearest to fix this stuff. Start building your life without her. It’ll take time to unlearn everything she’s tried to force on you.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.