10 Traits Of A Vindictive Mother That Creates A Lot Of Problems With Her Kids
A mother who acts vindictive will only push her children away.
BearFotos | Shutterstock While mothers are meant to nurture and nourish their children, the unfortunate reality is that there are mothers out there who secretly despise their kids and are unforgiving of their mistakes. There are endless traits of a vindictive mother who creates a lot of problems with her kids, where she feels cheated out of a good life and takes that anger out on her children.
Vindictive mothers are set on getting revenge, jumping through hoops to make their children's lives miserable. Though a mom like this may think she's getting even, she's really just hurting herself and her kids in the process.
Here are 10 traits of a vindictive mother that creates a lot of problems with her kids
1. She gaslights
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Mothers who are vindictive don't want the people around them to be happy or secure within themselves, especially their children. In a vindictive mother's mind, she's suffering, which means everybody else needs to suffer as well.
Unfortunately, this sentiment often means that her kids are in the direct line of fire with her manipulation. Berating them, she'll deny any accusations if it means making herself look good, gaslighting them.
According to the American Sociological Review, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that leads to diminished self-identity and self-esteem; it's "aimed at making victims seem or feel 'crazy,' creating a 'surreal' interpersonal environment."
For loved ones of children subject to gaslighting from their mother, it's in everyone's best interest to intervene when they witness these types of behaviors. Otherwise, it can be incredibly damaging to a child's well-being.
2. She withholds love and support
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Vindictive mothers believe that after sacrificing so much for their kids, their children then owe them the world in return. Although kids never owe their parents unwavering obedience, they expect their kids to fall in line and to do whatever she demands, all with a smile on their faces. When she doesn't get what she wants, she resorts to withholding love and support.
Most vindictive mothers become cold and ignore their kids because they aren't doing what they're supposed to. This creates higher stress levels as children desperately grasp for any semblance of love.
One research article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that parents who show constant affection toward their kids have children who are less anxious and happier. An additional study in Psychology Research and Behavior Management found that kids brought up in tough environments like an orphanage are more stressed.
3. She needs to control others
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Mothers who need to control their kids do so because they lack control of themselves and their own lives. In their day-to-day routine, these mothers handle bosses, husbands, teachers, and bills, which they have no control over, and can lead them to feeling resentful and burnt out.
As a result, they do their best to hyper-control their kids. They'll control what they eat, what they wear, and how they act, all in the name of being helpful. But this overly controlling environment results in kids acting out, as their need for freedom clashes with feeling restrained.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Liz Nissim-Matheis Ph.D., "Your relationship with your child is not about who is in control. It's about a true emotional connection. A genuine desire to be with each other, to share in the joy and to comfort. It is not about what you were able to make your child do because you shouted or made threats."
Nassim-Matheis added that parenting is about staying focused on setting expectations and holding them to it. However, these expectations need to be realistic and should also allow room for emotional vulnerability. Otherwise, vindictive mothers might find that their relationship with their kids is damaged.
4. She projects her insecurities onto her kids
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Every mother has her own insecurities as they relate to her parenting. But for a vindictive mother, her insecurities may be more shallow and apply to her looks or abilities in her daily life. These insecurities take time to work through, but they should never affect a child's well-being.
Vindictive mothers project those self-doubts onto their children, and those harsh critical comments can diminish a child's self-esteem and self-worth, according to parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D. This then leads to a lack of motivation.
Says Bernstein, "Most critical parents are struggling with their anxieties that come out sideways and overwhelm their children. Critical comments can erode a child's self-esteem and sense of worth and can cause feelings of sadness, anger, or frustration. These sharply delivered rebukes can also lead to a decrease in children's motivation and a lack of confidence in their abilities."
5. She plays the victim
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Having a constant victim mentality is one of the biggest traits of a vindictive mother that creates a lot of problems with her kids. Vindictive mothers who play the victim tend to not realize how narcissistic they are. A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that people more inclined to narcissism reported greater transgressions compared to those with less narcissistic tendencies. Knowing this, it isn't too surprising that mothers who see themselves as victims tend to be narcissistic.
Unfortunately, children who grow up with narcissistic parents tend to have greater mental health problems, according to research from Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health. All things considered, this is why vindictive mothers need to stop this bad behavior of considering themselves victims, and focus that attention on nurturing and guiding their kids.
6. She's jealous of her child's success
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Mothers who are secretly jealous of their kids don't have a ton of confidence in themselves. They may feel cheated into having kids in the first place, and have made it their life mission to exact revenge through her kids. She may compete with her kids, put them down for their accomplishments, or make them feel bad about themselves for succeeding.
According to associate professor of philosophy Iskra Fileva, Ph.D., "Since parents see their children as a younger version of themselves, most come to view a child's achievements as, in an important way, their own. This is why we sometimes speak of living or succeeding vicariously through our children. That is what envious parents don't do: They don't see themselves as living in their children."
However, because some parents see their kids as an extension of what they could have been, it makes them bitter. Adds Fileva, "Even envious parents often see their children's achievements as, to some extent, their own... Even an envious parent is aware of the fact that in the eyes of the world, a child's good qualities and achievements reflect well on the parent. It is just that the pride in some cases is mixed with envy and chagrin, and those may be the dominant sentiments, not the pride."
7. She's emotionally unstable
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Emotionally unstable mothers tend to be set off by the littlest things. If her kids make a mess, she yells at and berates them for their seemingly ridiculous behavior. If her kids step out of line and ask questions, she becomes incredibly triggered and lashes out. Her kids may develop triggers of their own as a result of her emotional volatility.
Though upsetting, it's important to understand that a behavior change must come from within, and there's little to be done on other people's side of things. Emotional immaturity isn't something that can be taught to grown adults; rather, emotional maturity comes from learning through experience and with the help of professionals.
8. She's overly critical
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Overly critical mothers constantly demean their kids. Whether it's their appearance or their grades, they have no issues with showing their disapproval through degradation and shame. Talking to one's own children this way leaves kids feeling defeated and self-conscious and, unfortunately, it's all part of a vindictive mother's goal.
Sometimes, these mothers aren't even aware this is a behavior they engage in. According to a study published in the Journal of Pediatric Health Care, parents who reported being less critical tended to be twice as likely to critique their kids during a 15-minute play session. It's evident that parents, as a whole, need to be more aware of their behavior, as their actions deeply affect their kids for the rest of their lives.
9. She shows zero empathy
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Most parents aim to be empathetic with their kids, nurturing and guiding them through life with a tough but gentle approach. Good moms will do everything they can to ensure their kids feel understood, and want to be close to them to form unforgettable connections. But vindictive mothers lack that empathy, as they are focused on themselves.
As their child feels increasingly rejected, they end up shutting out their mother completely. It creates a scenario where the child has nobody to turn to in times of help. It may lead to mental health issues down the road, or a complete estrangement from their mother or parents.
Vindictive mothers must seek help to figure out why they're so angry in the first place. Otherwise, they risk repeating generational trauma cycles that their children will be forced to break all on their own.
10. She spreads rumors and gossips
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While gossiping amongst friends or close loved ones is just fine, one of the most glaring traits of a vindictive mother that creates a lot of problems with her kids is her tendency to spread rumors about her children. Feeling the need to one-up them, she tells all of their secrets to anybody that will listen, bringing attention to herself. She may overindulge on the details and twist the story to elicit more sympathy and attention.
For the kids left to deal with the aftermath, they'll find themselves closed off from their mother, no longer trusting her. Betrayal trauma often leads to trust issues, according to the journal Psychological Trauma. This lack of trust slowly puts a strain on the relationship, leading the child to abandon their mother as soon as they're able to.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.